HOW PARENTS DISCOURAGE THEIR CHILDREN

[Guest guest]

Dear Young Parents in TBP,

 

Love and Love alone...

 

I hope this can be posted in TBP. I leave it to the Moderator. If

agreed, kindly allow it to on line.

 

Love and Love alone...

 

P. Gopi Krishna

 

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HOW PARENTS DISCOURAGE THEIR CHILDREN

 

3-year old Rohan was playing with his blocks all by himself because

his mom was too busy and he had no playmates around. After an hour,

he began scattering his blocks all over the room. His mother walked

in and tripped. " How many times do I have to tell you to play in one

place? I don't know what to do with you, " she yelled, as Rohan

quietly listened.

 

Very often, parents tend not to notice when children behave well.

When they do something wrong though, parents react immediately. What

many do not understand is one of the main reasons for a child's

misbehaviour is to get parental attention.

 

Children crave their parents' attention, be it positive or negative.

 

Send out positive messages

 

Children need to hear positive messages from their caretakers in

order to promote healthy self-esteem and confidence in themselves.

 

Of course, no parent knowingly intends to lower a child's self

esteem, but even the most well-intended criticism is still criticism.

Parents may correct behaviour in the hope of wanting their child to

perform better or behave in an appropriate manner. Instead, they

discourage the child further, without realising it.

 

Critisim sends the following message to your child: You are not good

enough and, in my eyes, you never will be.

 

Every situation gives us an equal opportunity to encourage or

discourage our children.

 

The first step is to realize when we are discouraging them, so we can

avoid doing so. You discourage your child when you focus on what he

or she has done wrong, criticise, humiliate, nag, be sarcastic, yell

or punish the child.

 

You encourage your child when you notice good behaviour and

acknowledge it with words of encouragement. So, start focusing on

strengths.

 

You discourage your child when you overprotect him and do things he

is capable of doing on his own.

 

You encourage your child when you allow him to do things on his own

and help him become independent.

 

You discourage your child when you expect him to be perfect and

accept nothing short of it. The child has to please you completely.

You encourage your child when you allow him to progress at his own

pace, keeping in mind his age and focusing on his efforts.

 

You discourage your child when you have negative expectations every

time he wants to attempt something. You encourage your child when you

believe in his capabilities and appreciate his enthusiasm to try new

things.

 

The difference between praise and encouragement

 

The dictionary defines praise as 'the act of expressing approval or

admiration.' Encouragement is defined as 'to inspire with hope,

courage and confidence.' The latter stimulates internal growth, helps

children value themselves and increases their belief in their

abilities. They realise that, although they may not be perfect yet,

their efforts have been noticed.

 

Stop using words like 'good', 'very good', 'wow', 'wonderful' that

sound nice but do nothing to motivate your child to do better.

Instead, use a response like 'I really like the red colour you have

used for the roof' or 'Your toys are all put away nicely' or 'You

have worn your shoes all by yourself today.'

 

These responses say to your child -- 'You are important to me. I

notice what you do. I have time for you. ' Besides motivating the

child to do better, they also help improve his or her self-esteem.

 

Be sincere

 

Honesty is important. So, look for things you truly like and

appreciate. For example, let's say your child has been painting for

an hour but has made a real mess of it. If, in such a situation, you

were to say you liked the painting when you really didn't, your child

would be able to see through you and gradually lose trust in your

words.

 

Instead, look for something you genuinely liked about the situation

and say that. For example, if you liked the fact that the child has

sat in one place for an hour without troubling you and made an effort

to attempt painting, express that.

 

Don't bribe your child with encouragement

 

Some parents use encouragement to manipulate their children.

Encouragement must be genuine and given to boost self-esteem, not to

get something out of your child.

 

Don't expect that just because you have encouraged your child, he or

she should now cooperate with you. Both are separate issues; don't

mix them.

 

Always keep in mind, the key is to look for strengths and focus more

on good behaviour, so you get more of that.