FW: Nice one (company Policy)-for a lighter moment

September 6, 2000

For a lighter moment...Re: Nice one - Company Policy

> Dear all,> >New policies have been devised to increase the productivity of our >company.>Below are the major changes:>SICK DAYS:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.> If>you>are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.>SURGERY: >Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you>need>all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We> hired>you>intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of> employment.>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:>This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do fordead >friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have >non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where> employee >involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the> late >afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch>hour >and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work>is>enough to keep the job going in your absence.>YOUR OWN DEATH: >This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two>weeks>notice as it is your duty to train your replacement. >REST ROOM USE:>Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future,>we >will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For> instance, >those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,> employees >whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If>you'reunable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the> nextday >when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may> swap>their >time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this >exchange in writing. >In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.>At>the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet>paperroll>will retract, and the stall door will open. >PAYCHECK GUIDE: >The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees>betterunderstand their paychecks:>Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 >Income tax $244.40 > Outgo tax $45.21 > State tax $11.61>Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 > City tax $12.22> Rural tax $4.44 > Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16Side tax $1.61 > Up tax $2.22 Tic-Tacs $1.98 > Thumbtacks $3.93 > Carpet tacks $0.98 > Stadium tax $0.69 > Flat tax $8.32 > Surtax $3.46>Corporate tax $2.60 > Parking fee $5.00 > F.I.C.A. $81.88 >T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 >Life insurance $5.85 >Health insurance $16.23 >Dental insurance $4.50 >Mental insurance $4.33 > Reassurance $0.11 > Disability $2.50 > Ability $0.25 > Liability $3.41 >Unreliability $10.99 > Coffee $6.85 > Coffee Cups $66.51 > Floor rental $16.85 > Chair rental $0.32 > Desk rental $4.32 > Union dues $5.85 > Union don'ts $3.77> Cash advance $0.69 >Cash retreats $121.35 > Overtime $1.26 > Undertime $54.83 > Eastern time $9.00> Central time $8.00 >Mountain time $7.00 > Pacific time $6.00 > time Out $12.21 > Oxygen $10.02 > Water $16.54> Heat $51.42 > Cool air $26.83 > Hot air $20.00 >Miscellaneous $113.29 > Sundry $12.09 > Various $8.01 >Net Take Home Pay $0.02

>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a >positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, >complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, >allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation, or input> should>be >directed elsewhere.

>Best Regards, >Personnel Department

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