To Ellie

[Guest guest]

Good morning, Ellie. It's good to hear from you.

-

<GRANDMABEAR712

 

Thursday, October 05, 2000 11:26 PM

HELLO!

 

 

> First of all I would like to thank everyone who has given me feedback on

the

> posts I have sent in. Sorry I haven't written to all of you before now but

> I've been withdrawing for the past few days. Right now is not a good time

for

> me. It has been a year ago yesterday (Oct. 4th) that my niece and godchild

> committed suicide. She left 3 little girls ages 5, 3 and 6 months. Also a

> friend of mine for 38 years died of cancer 6 months ago. I miss them both

so

> much.

>

You know that the first year after the death of a loved one is the most

difficult. Every special day brings back memories of that person while the

hurt is still fresh. I've found that the hurt begins to heal just a bit

after that first sad year. I hope that you can take some small comfort in

the fact that your neice and your friend are at rest. No more pain. They

are at peace. The suffering is left for those of us who are left

behind...but you are a very strong woman, Ellie. You are a survivor and, as

you know from other losses, things will hurt less in time. Unfortunately,

there is no easy way to " go around " the pain of a loss, it's something that

we must all go *through*. There are lessons in the hurt if we only let

ourselves find them. You're in my thoughts today.

 

> Things I've said in my posts have only been a tip of the iceberg in my

life.

> I too Florie have gone through drugs and alcoholism. I have been clean for

25

> years. Yes, I try to be strong but sometimes it catch's up with me

especially

> at this time. I am here listening to everyone and hoping for peace. I also

> experience panic attacks. I'm on medication for them also anti

depressants. I

> see a therapist once a month too. My past always seems to be right there

to

> haunt me.

>

Ellie, our past is who we are. It has made you the strong woman that you

are today. Are you telling your doctor everything that you need to tell

her/him so that the doctor can make the proper decision about prescribing

medications for you? There are medications that can treat *both* depression

and panic disorder (Paxil is one that comes to mind). *While the ideal

situation is to be completely medication-free*, there are times when

medication can help you get to a place where you feel " centered " enough to

work on the problems and work on eventually becoming whole and happy again.

Obviously, all of these medications have side-effects. Have a long talk

with your doctor about getting just the right medication in just the right

amount. You deserve all of the happiness in the world--sometimes it's up to

us to make sure that we get what we deserve. Perhaps you would like to ask

your doctor to re-evaluate whether your medications are working as well as

they could be. Perhaps something as simple as an adjustment in dosage or a

different type of medication could make a big difference.

 

Our pasts haunt us all. You are doing the right thing by seeing a

therapist. Perhaps, at certain sensitive times of the year, you might want

to increase the number of visits. Talking through the problems with a

trained therapist is very constructive. Does your therapist practice

hypnotherapy or NLP? These very helpful tools can create choices for you.

You can *choose* to feel better about your life and yourself. The power is

yours. It always has been--just like Dorothy's ruby slippers in the Wizard

of Oz. You have the power to feel better about the world around you.

 

> Caroline, with what you said to me I would swear you know me personally.

The

> guilt is always there. I can't seem to let it go. I was told all my life

by

> my Mother that it was all my fault for everything. I was raised in such a

> dysfunctional family. I grew up feeling that it was all my doing.

>

Welcome to Club Dysfunction! I don't think that I know *anyone* who had a

completely healthy and happy childhood. Your mother did the best that she

could. It was not good enough, but it was all she had to give. Try to

bless her for doing her best, and realize that you learned from her mistakes

and did a better job with your own kids (of course, you made your own

mistakes--just ask them). Your kids, in turn, will learn from your mistakes

and make their own different mistakes with their own kids. It's called

" being human " . Your children know that you love them and have done your

best. It's time to try to make peace with your past. It will help to make

a better future. *Talk to your doctor and therapist*. They can offer a

great deal of tools for you to use...but sometimes you have to take the time

to ask for those tools. Become an activist, get involved in your own care.

Know what you need to get better, physically and emotionally and Get What

You Need.

 

> Well, there I go again. Thank you all for listening to me. Sometime it

helps

> to talk about it.

>

Sure does! Talking is the first step to taking action. Be as good to

yourself as you are to those people around you.

 

Florie

 

PS: How are you sleeping? I'll bet that you're sleeping well and waking

refreshed because of that helpful breathing machine!

 

>