possible assistance

October 18, 2000

Hi everyone...am feeling the need to vent a little and to see

if anyone is able to assist...My mom is battling cancer, and

had deteriorated over time. She went a more " alternative " route

which we and her doctor believe has kept her going this long. (Liver)

Anyway to make a long story short, I have 6 brothers and sisters, and

my youngest sister lives at mom and dads...my daughter and I also

are now living there to help out as she is not able to leave the

house..

My dilema, I am feeling burnt out with the caregiving...I am the only

light sleeper in the house and deal with mom when she's up and

uncomfortable or needs pain meds, etc, etc. Hard to get a good

night's sleep. I'm starting to resent the whole situation...actually

feeling sorry for me (am I awful or what?)The rest of the family

helps out, but they all have families ect and are only there for meals

or to spend some time with mom...and then they're gone.

My dad is diabetic, but in fairly good health other than VERY hard of

hearing which he chooses to ignore. I just basically find myself,

dreading going home, etc. Is there any way to " send " positive energy

my way? Or is this asking alot? Not sure if this is appropriate to

ask, but am feeling desperate. Obviously mom needs the energy just

as much, and I have a Reiki Master scheduled to come to see mom

again, she's rather indifferent to any suggestions at this point,

which is hard to see...but I keep putting it in God's hands...and Try

to let go...So that's my " story " for now...any positive thoughts

would be appreciated! Thanks everyone...I am learning so much and

appreciate your info! Katy

October 18, 2000

You have my postive thoughts. And do not feel badly for the way you feel.

It is extremely trying to be the caregiver - I have been one and know

first-hand. There were times I would just look at my husband's face and

feel myself get angry. What I had done was anchoring - After so long of

having misery walk through the door with his face on I eventually saw the

face and got angry even if he was in good sprits. The saving grace was

realizing what was happening. Once I did that I could re-anchor his face to

better memories.

It takes a stong person to keep giving but even a stronger one to ask for

assistance.

Hang in there.

Patricia Gilmore, C.M.Ht.

http://www.BeBest.com

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-

Katy <Root2Helth

Wednesday, October 18, 2000 12:27 PM

possible assistance

> Hi everyone...am feeling the need to vent a little and to see

> if anyone is able to assist...My mom is battling cancer, and

> had deteriorated over time. She went a more " alternative " route

> which we and her doctor believe has kept her going this long. (Liver)

>

> Anyway to make a long story short, I have 6 brothers and sisters, and

> my youngest sister lives at mom and dads...my daughter and I also

> are now living there to help out as she is not able to leave the

> house..

>

> My dilema, I am feeling burnt out with the caregiving...I am the only

> light sleeper in the house and deal with mom when she's up and

> uncomfortable or needs pain meds, etc, etc. Hard to get a good

> night's sleep. I'm starting to resent the whole situation...actually

> feeling sorry for me (am I awful or what?)The rest of the family

> helps out, but they all have families ect and are only there for meals

> or to spend some time with mom...and then they're gone.

> My dad is diabetic, but in fairly good health other than VERY hard of

> hearing which he chooses to ignore. I just basically find myself,

> dreading going home, etc. Is there any way to " send " positive energy

> my way? Or is this asking alot? Not sure if this is appropriate to

> ask, but am feeling desperate. Obviously mom needs the energy just

> as much, and I have a Reiki Master scheduled to come to see mom

> again, she's rather indifferent to any suggestions at this point,

> which is hard to see...but I keep putting it in God's hands...and Try

> to let go...So that's my " story " for now...any positive thoughts

> would be appreciated! Thanks everyone...I am learning so much and

> appreciate your info! Katy

>

> ****************************************

> Visit the community page:

> For administrative problems -owner

> To , -

>

> All messages, files and archives of this forum are copyright of the

group and the individual authors.

>

October 18, 2000

I agree. I've heard what you're describing many times. You might want to

consider looking into caregiver support groups. As Patricia implies,

understanding your reactions will help. Also, just knowing that you're not

the only one in this situation can be helpful.

> " P.M.Gilmore, C.M.Ht. " <gilmore

>

>Re: possible assistance

>Wed, 18 Oct 2000 12:31:01 -0400

>

>You have my postive thoughts. And do not feel badly for the way you feel.

>It is extremely trying to be the caregiver - I have been one and know

>first-hand. There were times I would just look at my husband's face and

>feel myself get angry. What I had done was anchoring - After so long of

>having misery walk through the door with his face on I eventually saw the

>face and got angry even if he was in good sprits. The saving grace was

>realizing what was happening. Once I did that I could re-anchor his face

>to

>better memories.

>

>It takes a stong person to keep giving but even a stronger one to ask for

>assistance.

>

>Hang in there.

>

>Patricia Gilmore, C.M.Ht.

> >

>

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October 18, 2000

Dear Katy;

Being a cargiver to a loved one is emotionally and physically exhausting.

You are reacting normally to an abnormal situation. You are completely

justified in feeling burnt out and resentful. You simply *cannot* carry

this burden alone. It's time to demand some assistance from your brothers

and sisters. Your father is perfectly capable of helping out, too. It's an

unpleasant situation for all involved. Maybe it's easier for your dad and

your siblings to pretend it isn't happening by allowing you to deal with it

alone. Whatever their motivation, it's time for them to take some kind of

responsibility for their actions towards you and your mother.

It's time to sit down with the rest of your family and tell (not ask) them

that they need to do their share to help care for your mother. The Reiki

master is a wonderful idea. The energy given to your mother will be

dedicated to doing the greatest good; whatever the outcome of the situation,

it will help your mother's transition to be much more peaceful.

Katy, I was once one of a few caregivers to someone with cancer. It was the

most exhausting and draining experience of my life. There were times I felt

helpless and resentful and unappreciated--and there were others doing more

than I was for our friend! Even when he was in pain and had a tendency to

lash out at others, I always made it a point to tell him that I loved him.

I'm so glad that I did that. I'm so glad that he knew that he was loved.

Now that he is gone, I treasure each moment with him and am happy that we

had a chance to say goodbye properly--in a room full of love and prayer.

Your father and siblings *need* this opportunity to care for your mother and

to show their love for her--they need it every bit as much as you need a

break. If they won't cooperate, there are agencies that can help. A nurse

or aide can come in a few days a week to give you some time to yourself and

your daughter. Local hospice services are also wonderfully helpful.

Please do not continue to carry this burden alone. And please keep this

list posted on how things are going.

Florie

October 18, 2000

> My dilema, I am feeling burnt out with the caregiving...I am the only

> light sleeper in the house and deal with mom when she's up and

> uncomfortable or needs pain meds, etc, etc. Hard to get a good

> night's sleep. I'm starting to resent the whole situation...actually

> feeling sorry for me (am I awful or what?)

in loving families, cancer kinda happens to the whole family doesn't it?

please be kind to yourself and homor your feelings, they are valid, and you

are not awful for having them. it may be time to call in help outside the

family, like homecare and hospice aides, there is nothing wrong with doing

this, they are just another partof the team to lighten the load. remember,

helping others includes taking care of yourself, it doesn't mean completely

disappearing in them. it might be good to find assistance for yourself in

dealing with your own pain and loss around this situation.

>The rest of the family

> helps out, but they all have families ect and are only there for meals

> or to spend some time with mom...and then they're gone.

> My dad is diabetic, but in fairly good health other than VERY hard of

> hearing which he chooses to ignore. I just basically find myself,

> dreading going home, etc. Is there any way to " send " positive energy

> my way? Or is this asking alot? Not sure if this is appropriate to

> ask, but am feeling desperate.

of course it is appropriate, in fact it's entirely called for, wise, and

healthy. consider it sent. also, make sure you are not blocking any positive

energy sent your way with the judgemental thougts i am seeing implied by the

idea that " you are awful " for needing it, or that it is " asking a lot " , or

anything that says anything but " i deserve and need it, and my feelings are

valid and need to be honored " .

>Obviously mom needs the energy just

> as much, and I have a Reiki Master scheduled to come to see mom

> again, she's rather indifferent to any suggestions at this point,

> which is hard to see...but I keep putting it in God's hands...and Try

> to let go...So that's my " story " for now...any positive thoughts

> would be appreciated! Thanks everyone...I am learning so much and

> appreciate your info! Katy

perhaps it would be wise to include a treatment for yourself too, to

replenish your own energy.

October 18, 2000

Katy,

Please listen to everything that Florie said to you. There are people out

there who can help you. In May of this year I lost my best friend to cancer.

She was real sick before she pasted away. I went down to her house and spent

a week and a half with her to help give her family a rest. They really needed

it and I needed to spend sometime with her also. I had come home for a few

days and was just ready to go back down to be with her when I got the call

that she had pasted away. It ripped my heart out but I was so thankful that I

had spent that time with her. I know she was glad I did too. I also went

through time with my own Mother a few years back. For two months she was real

sick and its draining. Get some help. Its out there. Don't be so hard on

yourself, your doing all that you can.

Take care of yourself and your in my prayers.

Ellie

October 19, 2000

At 02:27 19/10/0, Katy wrote:>

Hi Katy

The feeling of exhaustion can be overwhelming. Sometimes its difficult when

you are drained to see any other way of doing things. But please take care

of yourself.

Maybe my story can give you some hints about what not to do.

When I nursed my late partner I gave all my energies to him and became

extremely ill after he died for a long long time.

I couldn't see any other way to do things then but now realise that had I

protected my own energies a little by letting others do some of the caring

I might have been less depleted and more capable of dealing with the issues

surrounding me. I know now I felt " responsible " and didn't step back to

let others in enough.

I learnt later that growth hormones for tissue repair are produced during

stage 4 sleep. Going for months without adequate sleep deprives you of

healing and repair for yourself. I feel that had I learnt to look after

myself better and take time off I would have had more energy to give for

care of my partner.

I have no regrets about the care I gave but the price in ill health is an

added burden after you have lost your loved one. When I lost my health

others had to take care of me.

I hope I can persuade you to find ways of sharing the care giving with

others. And seeking Reiki for yourself as well.

There is another issue at stake that is usually avoided but so often I have

seen distress evolve because it hasn't been addressed

Is there going to be any money left? who has care of the finances? If

you haven't any financial resources yourself can some funds from your

mother's eventual estate be spent for additional carers at this stage? Is

there any reasonable argument against using a person's own financial

resources to provide the best of care for them ?

Unfortunately spending parent's money on their care is often an issue

avoided because it can separate families. Yet if you sacrifice yourself

now will you later on pay in negative feelings towards your siblings? The

eventual loss may be greater than you ever wanted ?

With Love

Liz

Katy wrote

Hi everyone...am feeling the need to vent a little and to see

>if anyone is able to assist...My mom is battling cancer, and

>had deteriorated over time. She went a more " alternative " route

>which we and her doctor believe has kept her going this long. (Liver)

>

>Anyway to make a long story short, I have 6 brothers and sisters, and

>my youngest sister lives at mom and dads...my daughter and I also

>are now living there to help out as she is not able to leave the

>house..

>

>My dilema, I am feeling burnt out with the caregiving...I am the only

>light sleeper in the house and deal with mom when she's up and

>uncomfortable or needs pain meds, etc, etc. Hard to get a good

>night's sleep. I'm starting to resent the whole situation...actually

>feeling sorry for me (am I awful or what?)The rest of the family

>helps out, but they all have families ect and are only there for meals

> or to spend some time with mom...and then they're gone.

>My dad is diabetic, but in fairly good health other than VERY hard of

>hearing which he chooses to ignore. I just basically find myself,

>dreading going home, etc. Is there any way to " send " positive energy

>my way? Or is this asking alot? Not sure if this is appropriate to

>ask, but am feeling desperate. Obviously mom needs the energy just

>as much, and I have a Reiki Master scheduled to come to see mom

>again, she's rather indifferent to any suggestions at this point,

>which is hard to see...but I keep putting it in God's hands...and Try

>to let go...So that's my " story " for now...any positive thoughts

>would be appreciated! Thanks everyone...I am learning so much and

>appreciate your info! Katy

..

October 19, 2000

Perhaps it's time to revaluate your role in this situation. Is it

possible that your resentment is nature's way of telling you that you

need to regroup and take care of yourself?

http://community.webtv.net/Talks-withtrees/PrayerChain

October 19, 2000

Hi I have been lurking for long enough I think , I am a Registered Nurse who

has worked in mostly hospitals for the past 12 yrs but has always had an

interest in alternative medicine. I have recently had an opportunity to

help a friend of mine ( also a RN, and a practitioner of mind/body

medicine). I am promoting an all day lecture for him in the Syracuse NY

area. This will be held Nov 5th. If you are close by and have any inerest

in attending you can email me privately at Kat315 please put

ACT workshop in subject line THANKS

Talks-withtrees <Talks-withtrees

Wednesday, October 18, 2000 9:30 PM

Re: possible assistance

>Perhaps it's time to revaluate your role in this situation. Is it

>possible that your resentment is nature's way of telling you that you

>need to regroup and take care of yourself?

>

>http://community.webtv.net/Talks-withtrees/PrayerChain

>

>****************************************

>Visit the community page:

>For administrative problems -owner

>To , -

>

>All messages, files and archives of this forum are copyright of the

group and the individual authors.

>

October 20, 2000

Hello Katy My name is Katrena I have been fighting Breast Cancer with my mom now

for around 6 years this is her 2 time with it coming back .. We have been though

chest tubes and Ivs 2 times a day with a port a cath .. I also have a very rare

blood disorder which keeps me very sick .. She is now in remissions again. I

made it though all the Chemo , hone Ivs and chest tubes with her ... I never

time for myself , so I made time formyself with my mom everyday with Lavender on

our third eye which is between your eyes , Behind our ears ,knees and top of big

toe .. They I made us claiming pillows with a silk bag filled with Lavender

Flowers,Flax seed and Chamomile flowers.. Then we layer them on our eyes or your

fore head then I played Relaxation Music for one hour It did us both so much

good . My mom and I both do this everyday my self I do this every am , afternoon

and pm ... Also from the stress I got very bad headaches so I use peppermint oil

on my third eye and behind my knees and on top of my big toe it works well ...

Fro the stress along with the lavender oil.. But also remember to use pure

essential oil ... They will always be in dark bottle to project them from

light.. I will keep you in my prayers and in my daily thoughts..

Good blessings sent your way

Katrena

-

Katy