No Exit - Caught in a web of secondary gains

[Guest guest]

I seem to have become intertwined in a game I have no wish to play. Advice

would be greatly appreciated:

 

I have a neighbor with primary breast cancer, metastasized to lung and brain.

She has been receiving treatment at Sloan-Kettering in New York, and is doing

quite well, all things considered.

 

I've been giving her Reiki before each chemotherapy treatment, and it seems to

help her to deal with the side-effects. I'm pleased to do this, and am happy

that it has been helping. However, I seem to have been caught up in some kind

of game that she is playing--she has always been a very negative person, one of

the lessons that her illness has taught her is to have a bit more compassion for

others. As she continues to improve physically, her emotional state seems to be

returning to a state of unpleasantness, and I feel trapped. I've become her

'sounding board' for unpleasant conversation about everyone and everything. She

is allowing herself to get caught up in negativity and gets stressed to the

point of tears over silliness like her tenant asking for the phone number of a

good plumber, or a neighbor's child calling her by her first name, rather than

Mrs. _____.

 

I've tried to talk to her about the effect that her stress is having on her

health, but she won't discuss it, demanding more and longer Reiki treatments and

trying to dictate where I should concentrate the energy (I don't charge for

Reiki, have other obligations which I have been putting off to work with this

woman, and am beginning to feel a bit used). My husband has recorded a

combination healing/stress reduction tape for her, but she won't listen to it,

telling him " People give me things all the time, and it just stresses me out

more " .

 

I've come to the point where I try to avoid being around at times when she is

likely to call. I want very much to support her--she is fighting her cancer and

I suspect that she is enough of a fighter to win this battle. However, I also

suspect that this self-inflicted stress will kill her with a stroke or a heart

attack! I've tried to give her books and tapes by O. Carl Simonton to help her

understand how she can make choices to get well--or to die; but she just gets

" too stressed out to read " . I don't want to approach the subject of secondary

gains to her (we don't know each other all that well), but am beginning to think

that she gets a great more out of being the 'identified patient' than she could

get from being a healthy member of the community.

 

I feel quite trapped. I don't want to let her down--the Reiki energy really

seems to help her cope with the chemo, but I have no desire to be surrounded by

this constant negativity which is beginning to take its toll on me. Gentle

hints have no effect, if I insult her by telling her that I'm tired of hearing

her complaints about everyone and everything, she may perceive me as

contributing to her stress and adding to her burden. I want to continue helping

her, but am beginning to feel that she is subverting any good that the Reiki is

doing for her.

 

Any advice? Please???

 

Florie

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi, Florie.

 

It's easy to get caught up in other people's games. At some

level, we must want to participate in the game, or that

wouldn't happen. Once you recognize it as a game, you can

choose whether you continue playing. The key (straight from

my guides) is to find a balance between compassion and

firmness. You might ask your own guides what they have to

say about compassion and firmness in this situation.

 

For me that suggests limiting the Reiki treatments to what's

appropriate for you. Have you been visualizing the

mental/emotional symbol entering her heart?

 

It could be, of course, that she is serving her Highest Good

by being a mirror for negativity and that she is willing to

suffer through the cancer to complete that particular

mission. Whether her Highest Good will be served by

recovering or by continuing in dis-ease, you still need to

set your own boundaries based on what's right for you.

--

---------------------------

Joel P. Bowman, Ph.D.

Email: joel.bowman

Department of Business Information Systems

Western Michigan University

http://spider.hcob.wmich.edu/~bowman

---------------------------

[Guest guest]

Dear Florie:

I've done this one before, its no fun.

The wonderful thing about Reiki, is that you can do it remotely. So while

your extracating yourself from this situation, you can still help her by

doing remote reiki.

And rather than allowing her negativity into you, consider that maybe this

cancer is a perfect manifestation for her for this stage in her life, and as

such, as long as your out of the way of her strangeness, allow her to learn

from it what she will.

Another thing, you probubly know, is that chemo is cumulative, the longer

your on it the more toxic you get, this toxicity can and does effect your

thinking and moods to the point of not being rational at times. So many of

her anxieties and such may well be do to this, and once her system cleans

out she may get better. Also, once the crises period is over, people begin

to feel safer to allow out thier negative feelings that always come up with

such a diagnosis. She has alot of grieving to do from such an assault.

Carl Simminton's stuff is the very best you could recommend, in my

opinion. His tape set, " getting well " has helped countless people I know. I

stock 12 sets all the time. BUT... I also know that there are stages in

this disease where people just can't organize thier brains enough to let new

information in. Most of the really terrific reading by cancer patients is

usually done after chemo is over and fear has been diminished. They just

aren't ready, they just want you and everyone to FIX them. Some can't even

stand to hear or read the word cancer.

So inspite if this person being a real pain, she's not all that unusual,

and she may not stay that way. But YOU need to get out of there, because

she is very toxic to you. Make up any story to elegantly extricate yourself

from the situation, even a small lie is forgivable here. Let her know that

you will be sending her remote healing, and give her phone numbers of the

local Reiki association to call if she wants to bring in someone else. Let

her know, that you've done all you can to help her (which is true) and that

the next stage of this type of healing is for her to help herself. If she's

really dependant on the reiki, offer to get her a book on it so she can

learn it for herself.

I hope this is helpful to you. I really sympathize with the trap that

this can be. But your getting sick to avoid her is no way to go, and that

often happens. Notice families of a cancer patient in a hospital, its often

hard to tell who's the cancer patient, because everyone is doing so much for

that cancer patient, that the rest of the family looks sick as well. And

often they do get sick because of it.

Good luck to you, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your patient,

you've so lovingly given your time to.

Here's a tip:

Write this on a post-it note and hang it on your mirror.

 

" Dear Florie:

I don't need your help today,

Love,

God

 

Good luck,

love,

connie

[Guest guest]

Dear Joel and Connie;

 

Thank you both for your reasoned and well thought-out advice regarding my

neighbor. You are both spot on.

 

Joel, you've made me realize that I have become a willing part of the game.

I've always had a tough time establishing and maintaining my own boundaries.

You've made me do some thinking about my own secondary gains in this

matter--feeding a messiah complex, 'feeling holier than thou' for loving the

unloveable, playing heroine... I think that I needed to step away from the

situation and see it from another perspective, and you supplied that

opportunity--quite elegantly.

 

Connie, thanks for sharing your 'been there, done that, bought the t-shirt'

experience with me. I've already tried to send her remote energy, but she

claims that she feels nothing (she's only across the street) and needs to feel

my hands on her. This is a problem for me, as I have empathic tendencies and

find hands-on work quite draining, even with all protection and shielding

available. I appreciate your suggestion that a white lie might be in order--I

think I needed the permission! I care for our 2-year old granddaughter several

days a week and it isn't always possible to tell if a sniffy nose is from the

high pollen count or a possible cold...can't bring any germs over there, now can

I?? BTW, glad that you agree that Simonton information is absolutely golden.

We always keep a set on hand to give to friends and co-workers who have cancer

patients in their family. It's been a real blessing to those who accept the

idea that they do have choice. I'd like to think that it'it may plant a seed of

hope in those who don't completely buy into it at first reading.

 

Thank you both for your caring and thoughtful replies.

 

Florie

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Dear Florie:

Glad to be of help, and you are telepathic, the " little germ " was exactly

what I was thinking LOL. This cancer patient probubly just needs some

company and caring, which is probubly why she has this disease, but that

doesn't mean you have to be the one to give it. Maybe she should join a

cancer support group. She'll not be agreeable to it, but when you are gone,

she may decide to for the company. And that would be good for her.

love

connie

 

> " Richard M. Gray, Ph.D. and Florence Tomasulo Gray "

> <rmgray

>

> Mon, 21 May 2001 15:02:01 -0400

>

> Re: No Exit - Caught in a web of secondary gains

>

> Dear Joel and Connie;

>

> Thank you both for your reasoned and well thought-out advice regarding my

> neighbor. You are both spot on.

>

> Joel, you've made me realize that I have become a willing part of the game.

> I've always had a tough time establishing and maintaining my own boundaries.

> You've made me do some thinking about my own secondary gains in this

> matter--feeding a messiah complex, 'feeling holier than thou' for loving the

> unloveable, playing heroine... I think that I needed to step away from the

> situation and see it from another perspective, and you supplied that

> opportunity--quite elegantly.

>

> Connie, thanks for sharing your 'been there, done that, bought the t-shirt'

> experience with me. I've already tried to send her remote energy, but she

> claims that she feels nothing (she's only across the street) and needs to feel

> my hands on her. This is a problem for me, as I have empathic tendencies and

> find hands-on work quite draining, even with all protection and shielding

> available. I appreciate your suggestion that a white lie might be in order--I

> think I needed the permission! I care for our 2-year old granddaughter

> several days a week and it isn't always possible to tell if a sniffy nose is

> from the high pollen count or a possible cold...can't bring any germs over

> there, now can I?? BTW, glad that you agree that Simonton information is

> absolutely golden. We always keep a set on hand to give to friends and

> co-workers who have cancer patients in their family. It's been a real

> blessing to those who accept the idea that they do have choice. I'd like to

> think that!

> it'it may plant a seed of hope in those who don't completely buy into it at

> first reading.

>

> Thank you both for your caring and thoughtful replies.

>

> Florie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Florie:

 

It sounds like you've gotten some great advice already on dealing with your

neighbor without actually getting into her stuff. Remember that you are simply

providing her energy to do with as her system sees fit. She may be quite happy

being negative.

 

Since you have not been charging her, I think it may be important for her to

'pass

along' something to someone else as a balance for all she has been receiving.

Personal investment is an important part of healing, and giving is a good way to

distract a person from wallowing in victimization.

 

In addition to the other suggestions for books, I'd like to make another...

" Radical Forgiveness " by Colin C. Tipping. It was one of the most liberating

books I've ever read.

 

" Richard M. Gray, Ph.D. and Florence Tomasulo Gray " wrote:

 

> I seem to have become intertwined in a game I have no wish to play. Advice

> would be greatly appreciated:

>

> I have a neighbor with primary breast cancer, metastasized to lung and brain.