... midweek funnies...

[Guest guest]

I particularly like the second joke in this one that is based on a monologue

by Rowan Atkinson. If you are easily offended by religious humour however,

I'd suggest you skip it!

 

=),

 

Anne-Louise.

 

_________________________________

 

THE IRISH EGO

 

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when

his telephone rang. " Hallo! Mr. Hussein, " a heavily accented voice said.

" This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you

that we are officially declaring war on you! "

 

" Well, Paddy, " Saddam replied, " This is indeed important news! Tell me, how

big is your army? " " At this moment in time, " said Paddy after a moment's

calculation, " there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry,

and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes 8!

 

" Saddam sighed. " I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in

my army waiting to move on my command. " " Begorra! " , said Paddy, " I'll have

to ring you back! "

 

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. " Right Mr. Hussein, the war is

still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment! "

" And what equipment would that be, Paddy? " Saddam asked. " Well, we have 2

combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm. "

 

Once more Saddam sighed. " I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand

tanks, 14 thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to

1 and a half million since we last spoke. " " Really?! " said Paddy " I'll have

to ring you back! " Sure enough, Paddy rang again

the next day.

 

" Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get

ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of

rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well! "

 

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. " I must tell you Paddy that I

have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military

complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and

since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million. " " Faith and

begorra! " , said Paddy, " I'l l have to ring you

back. Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.

 

" Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the

war. "

 

" I'm sorry to hear that " said Saddam. " Why the sudden change of heart? "

" Well, " said Paddy " We've all had a chat, and there's

no way we can feed 2 million prisoners. "

****************************************************

This has been attributed to Rowan Attkinson, a monologue!

 

First day in hell!

 

Hello, nice to see you all again.

 

As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is hell,

and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you like. We try

and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

 

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of

a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now

I'll have to split you up into groups.

 

Are there any questions?

 

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you

would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if

you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very

much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

 

Right, let's split you up then.

 

Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

 

Off we go...

 

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if

you could join them, and Estate Agents.

 

Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of you.

Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could

just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

 

AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some

fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into

perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realizes

put in a lot of work.

 

The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding

them in purgatory for the last 9 months.

 

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

 

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of

charlies.

 

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

 

Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and

masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.

 

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I

must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

 

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' " Life Of Brian " , I'm afraid He can't take a

joke after all.

 

Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of

exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will

spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I

hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an exemplary

manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings,

use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.

 

Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes,

chains, and electrodes.