self-respect vs. conflicts

[Guest guest]

dear people

we were talking lately about boundries, self-respect, difficulties to say

NO, INFALlIBLE MASTERS etc . so the universed sent me yesterday night an

actual incedent challenging all these together that causes me a lot of

thinking even obssesive thinking - and i need your advice an thoughts:

this is the story:

I learn capoiera (brazilian maritial art) with my little kid at a group

and usually enjoy the class a great deal. it is usually a place full of joy

with kids, acrobatics, singing, dancing etc etc.

The maSTER came from Brazil. he is 31 years old married + baby. I

appreciate his physical talent . he can do fantastic things

with his body (acrobatics) but i do not like him personally. he is arrogant,

bragging and always after money. I don't think he is greedy per se.

probably he is afraid no to have it although he is very successful and has

many students.

 

When i entered the class i made very clear boundries. did not want to fall

into the " infallible masters " catch. so i made my teritory very clear. this

kept us in good relationship: mutual respect and affection, elegant distance

, clear boundries.

this is how i like it.

 

this month we'll not attend the class except the first week cause of a

vacation. I called him ahead asked whether is would be ok

to come and pay for one week only. i knew this is an acceptable norm in his

class yet I wanted to verify with him it is acceptable

and that he agrees to this arrangement. He sais: ok , no problem. sure

 

when we arrived to the class he suddenly called my daughter, gave her a pair

of trousers with his name on it (special cloths for the class) and told

her to try it.

She is an obediant girl. the teacher said so that's what she did.

i knew he expects me to pay for it (he charges an exageratted price X4 for

his trousers and i chose not to buy them . it is a question of choice. i

prefer investing in knowlesdge not in the material and it is acceptable to

participate in the class without his special custom. many students do)

 

this invasion to my pocket,,,,throught the girl mady me angry.

i felt he doesn't respect my boundries so it awakened the tiger inside.

however i did not want to say something insulting or god forbid say " NO " - i

was confused.

at the end of the lesson i approched him and payed for the week ahead and he

asked : how are trousers? nice? eh?

i said : yes, but i dont have the money right now to pay for them

 

" oh, never mind , pay me next time " .... and he made himself as if he doesn't

understand my true meaning,.

I thought that may be he is angry because he agreed to accept money for only

one week. so i asked again: do you really agree for this arrangement? - he

said with an uneasy manner... yes yes and went away.

he left us with his trousers, a debt and an uneasy feeling,

i wamted to go back and return his trousers, be firm and

say that i'll buy it someother time, but i was afraid to make the disharmony

even worse, and i was afraid to cause him loos his face and i was confused

and angry.

 

I am not stingy , i can afford to but the trousers but this incident gave me

a feeling of a victim which i am not ready to accept,

ifelt he was trying to invade my decisions and my wallet.

 

if he would only ask nicely i would have but all his stock,,, with

gratitude. but he did un ugly maneuver , mocked of my intelligence - so it

gave me an ugly feeling.

 

I went out and decided to return next lesson and return his trousers and say

something polite and firm - like: i'll buy it next year. not now.

 

but i know this will spoil the atmosphere between us. it would be difficult

to return to the class in such disharmony feeling.

still the is a voice in me who says : respect your self, you deserve it, and

i can't ignore this voice.

 

on the other hand there is a silent voice of compasion: i say to my self may

be he needs the money. maybe i should flow with it

and let it go. so he mocked me - so what?

 

and then again the other " tigrish " vioce: " hey! he crossed my boundries. he

did not feel about my feelings, why should he get his prize " ?

 

the bottom line is that i became obssesive about such a petty thing. and

this anoys me a lot. at your age, i say to myserlf , you should not let

petty things annoy you. what is this?! where are the firm boundries to the

obbssesions?

 

i don't know which voice to listen to? self-respect and boundries or the

need to avoid unneccesary disharmonies

 

share your thoughts please

 

Anat

[Guest guest]

Anat,

 

I hope this doesn't sound like I am taking his side.... but I saw

several things in what you wrote that might help you if I point

them out to you. It didn't seem like he invaded your boundaries;

it sounded like you may have given them up... Here are some

quotes from you with my comments:

 

> i knew he expects me to pay for it

>

> this invasion to my pocket,,,,throught the girl mady me angry.

 

Although I wouldn't like being done to me this either, it is a common

business practice. People get pushy to try to sell their items everyday.

We just have to say no thanks. He probably gets a certain percentage

of people who buy, and I can assure you it's not 100%! So you

wouldn't be the only person who has said no.

 

> he asked : how are trousers? nice? eh?

 

> i said : yes, but i dont have the money right now to pay for them

 

which wasn't exactly what you were feeling. You actually felt

they were overpriced. You gave him the information that they

are nice, and don't have the money " right now " which gave him the

chance to say, 'pay me later'. it was from your prompting though.

 

> " oh, never mind , pay me next time " .... and he made himself as if he doesn't

> understand my true meaning,.

 

It's your responsibility to say your true meaning, not to make

him take your hints.

 

> I thought that may be he is angry because he agreed to accept money for only

> one week. so i asked again: do you really agree for this arrangement? - he

> said with an uneasy manner... yes yes and went away.

 

or maybe you were uneasy about asking for that arrangement, so you

felt you had to buy his pants. But he said it was okay. You can go

by that information. If you say things to others that you don't really

mean, you will tend to think they are doing the same. But not everyone

does that. There have been times when I know someone didn't mean

the thing they were telling me but I knew that if I responded to their

hidden meaning, they wouldn't have to come back and tell me what

they really meant, and it would have perpetuated the problem.

 

> i was afraid to make the disharmony

> even worse, and i was afraid to cause him loos his face and i was confused

> and angry.

 

To not agree to buy someone's item does not constitute disharmony...

it's just business. Salespeople are used to people saying no, that's

one of the reasons they use those sorts of pushy tactics.

 

> I am not stingy , i can afford to but the trousers but this incident gave me

> a feeling of a victim which i am not ready to accept,

> ifelt he was trying to invade my decisions and my wallet.

 

He was trying to get you to buy something, but that doesn't

necessarily mean he was trying invading your wallet. Each person

can ask for what they want and each person can say no.

 

> I went out and decided to return next lesson and return his trousers and say

> something polite and firm - like: i'll buy it next year. not now.

 

That sounds a good thing to do. Tell him that you felt badly about

not paying for the month so you felt pressured. But after you

thought about it, you didn't want to buy the trousers. Tell him

they haven't been worn, so they can easily be resold to someone

else. Then thank him again for allowing you to make the arrangement

while you were on vacation.

 

You might tend to look for signs after telling him that, which show he is

angry at you. That is a common thing people do in incidents like these.

But he might just take it all at face value!

 

> i don't know which voice to listen to? self-respect and boundries or the

> need to avoid unneccesary disharmonies

 

Just speak your truth and let the rest go. That's my suggestion.

 

Linda

 

>

> share your thoughts please

>

> Anat

[Guest guest]

Dear Anat,

I understand that it is perhaps more complicated than this

(everything always is) but, when you put it the way you did at the

end of your post: " i don't know which voice to listen to? self-

respect and boundries or the need to avoid unneccesary disharmonies "

I don't see any trouble choosing between these two. Self respect is

worth what is demands of us. When in doubt, choose you.

Audrey