self esteem tools

[Guest guest]

Here's an answer to the requests for self esteem building tools. I apologize to

Audrey for the repetions, but there is some new material in here.

 

My focus these days is to avoid chasing symptoms, for fixing the woes of the

world is exhausting and rarely all that productive. Instead, let us learn to

access our resources more effectively, and learn to enjoy and nurture our gifts.

 

Self esteem is originally established by praise and positive regard from others.

We are born into this world as beautiful creatures who deserve the love and

enthusiasm of our family and community. As we get this essential praise and

support, we build a data base of positive regard. We learn to think of ourselves

as good, loveable and beautiful and wonderful.

 

We expect and need this affection. In reality, we are inevitably wounded by

others who withhold affection or criticize or directly attack us. All our most

significant emotional injuries have their foundation in feeling unloved. Whether

it is resentment at not being adequately protected from overwhelming challenges,

or deep sadness at realizing that a wounding was intentional and visciously

effected, it is the interpersonal part of the injury that is so difficult to let

go of, and continues to drain our energies.

 

We are not wounded in our self esteem by the natural (non-human) world. The

trees, animals and earth have no malice toward us. Only humans in our pain and

fear lash out vindictively -even toward (or especially toward!) our own

children.

 

So this takes me to the core piece. You are a beautiful and wonderful woman/man.

Repeat that sentence. Say it aloud. I am a beautiful and wonderful wo/man.

 

Gender is important. John Bradshaw noted that the first thing we decide about

another human is their gender. Acccepting my own gender and my attitudes about

that has been amazingly valuable.

 

You were born beautiful and wonderful. You are a gift to the world. You are

totally loveable. You deserve love and affection and support.

 

Repeat the affirmation for five minutes a day. " I am a beautiful and wonderful

wo/man. " Take a full breath between each repetition. Feel whatever comes up. You

may or may not want to say another short phrase that helps release whatever

comes up.

 

This is not always easy. Inner voices will resist claiming our personal power.

It can be a beautiful struggle to reclaim our birthright as precious children of

the universe. Major anger can emerge as we realize how much we have felt we had

to hide our beauty and desires. Deep sadness can wash over us as we realize the

depth of our pain. But amazing joy follows.

 

The affirmation technique is most powerful as an interpersonal event. Get with a

friend (partner, therapist, stranger, whatever) and dedicate 5 minutes to

repeating " I am a beautiful and wonderful wo/man. " Allow yourself to voice

whatever else comes up, but keep the focus on the affirmation. Your witness gets

to just enjoy the splendor of your unfolding. After the 5 minutes you might take

time to exchange reports on the experience. This can be excellent, but is not

necessary to the core piece.

 

I strongly recommend this as a relationship technique. All fights in

relationship are based on not feeling appreciated, supported and loved. If I

feel unloveable, I am not going to be able to extend myself to my partner or

anyone. When I reclaim my personal beauty, I have some slack to share affection.

I also have some cushion to hear differences without it injuring my core self.

 

Someone can be angry at me, but I am still beautiful, wonderful and totally

loveable. I have no need to counter-attack. I am good. I am okay. I will be okay

even if this person can't be with me today or ever. I might be sad, but I am

loveable and can find all the love and community I need and want again and

again.

 

Another way to use the affirmation is as a self directed tool for body image.

Sit by a mirror (or just look at youself directly) and repeat the affirmation.

You might choose to modify it for supporting your beauty in a particular way,

like " I have beautiful teeth. I am totally loveable. My teeth are wonderful. "

Personally, I have braces and I am slowly getting extensive and expensive dental

work done. It can be discouraging. The affirmation helps me be less resentful

and more confident.

 

This can be awesome for any places where we have disowned ourself. External

criticism gets internalized and we learn to attack our own bodies. Building a

habit of praising ourselves is a powerful healing. The inner voices will come up

with some amazing self denial and self attacks. Hearing these will make it much

easier to reply to the voices and support ourselves.

 

 

 

The second major piece of this approach is the Want List. The Want List is very

simple to do, and builds progressively in clarity and effectiveness. Start by

writing down ten sentences that begin with " I want... " It can be anything, from

a new car to a marriage to a clean t-shirt or a change in a thought pattern or

belief system.

 

Get a clean pad or notebook if you can. Write the list every day. It is good to

pick a time when you can be consistent. Write at least ten sentences. Keep the

daily pages. Let things change and try not to edit or expect any particular

thing.

 

The idea behind this technique is that what we want is good, and that the

Universe wants to give us exactly what we ask for, or something even better.

Accepting our desires allows us to be clearer with ourselves. Clarifying our

intention focuses our power. Allowing the universe to give us what we ask for

(or something even better!) creates an awareness of true abundance and banishes

the scarcity model we have suffered with.

 

Your list will evolve. You will learn wonderful things about who you really are

and what you really value. It works incredibly well. A close friend went through

a painful break-up a few days before her wedding was scheduled. She was crushed

and felt humiliated at having to tell all her friends and family about the

change. She worked with the affirmation and the want list. One day she wrote, " I

want to go away for New Year's somewhere completely differnet and have a great

time and meet the man I will marry. " She did. She is happily married now to the

man she met, and actually lives in the really great place she visited for New

Year's.

 

These last two techniques were taught to me by John Breckenridge, a brilliant

therapist from Silk Hope, North Carolina. I have been fortunate to be able to

work directly with him and he has encouraged me to teach others these wonderful

skills.

 

I also strongly recomend a direct body focus. Aligning the body and releasing

physical holding will free the bodymind. Dance, yoga, and bodywork are part of

my personal tool kit. I don't think it matters what you choose so much as what

you put into it. Time and effort will be rewarded. You are investing in yourself

in a physical way.

 

Start where you are, and do what you like. This is a clever way of accepting

yourself. You are good enough right now. You are choosing how you want to play

out your desires. Your choices are inherently good. If things don't go the way

you expected, allow yourself to be surprised, and maybe even take delight in the

surprise. We have been warned that surprises are dangerous. This is an

innaccuracy created by living in an emergency mode. Life is not a crisis. It is

a long and splendid dance. Breathe and enjoy.

 

Dan

 

here's a good little list for the fridge...

 

 

>> 10 COMMANDMENTS FOR REDUCING STRESS

>>

>>1. Thou Shalt Not Be Perfect, Or Even Try To Be.

>>

>>2. Thou Shalt Not Try To Be All Things To All People.

>>

>>3. Thou Shalt Sometimes Leave Things Undone That Ought To Be Done.

>>

>>4. Thou Shalt Not Spread Thyself Too Thinly.

>>

>>5. Thou Shalt Learn To Say No.

>>

>>6. Thou Shalt Schedule Time For Thyself And For Thy Supportive Network.

>>

>>7. Thou Shalt Switch Off And Do Nothing Regularly.

>>

>>8. Thou Shalt Be Boring, Untidy, Inelegant, And Unattractive at Times.

>>

>>9. Thou Shalt Forgive Thyself.

>>

>>10. Especially, Thou Shalt Not Be Thine Own Worst Enemy But Be Thine Own Best

>>Friend.

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