Ready for healing? Maybe not.

[Guest guest]

Celeste,

 

My brother has done a ton of research on this and isn't interested in our

opinions, when I first learned that he had MS, I started researching

homeopathic remedies - I spent hours looking on the net and researching,

sending the info to him, etc - he said thanks, but no thanks. He has

specifically told me that he is living each day as if it were his last and

the happiest he's ever been. Could he be lying - sure - but the situation

is a little more complex than just him having MS.

 

He moved to Oregon (from MA) a few years ago to go to college after working

with Bald Eagles over the summer. Slowly he began loosing contact with the

family - we are lucky to hear from him once ever 4 months or so now. And

even then it's more like, everything is great - don't look for me. I hope

to God he's not on this list! Please don't anyone take offense to this -

but so much of his life and lifestyle is almost cult like, but it's all

environmental.

 

So, with that in mind - talking to him about possible depression or giving

advice or any opinions is like trying to force someone that doesn't want to

listen further away. It is literally like walking on eggshells trying not

to upset him so he doesn't cut the family off completely. That's the

underlying problem here.

 

I have been telling my mom for months to contact the MS association to get

into support groups and stuff - she finally contacted them and has the

information - will she go I don't know. I'm so tired of hearing about how

sick and depressed she is, yet she won't do anything about it - so, I told

her to put up or shut up (in a nice way).

 

This sounds so crass of me, but I have taken a position of, I care and will

be here for you, but to act proactively and try to get people to do things

they aren't going to do - I don't have time. I'm married, have 5 fur kids,

do Akita rescue, in the reserves (getting activated), go to school, etc.

This is also something (the distance thing) that has been going on for

years - so it is nothing new.

 

I think a big part of the problem for them is emotional or psychological -

they just don't seem to want to listen. My family is the type of family

where things that are bad don't get discussed, sweep it under the rug and

make yourself physically ill over it, but never discuss the problem. I'm

like the outspoken renegade :-).

 

Thanks, any suggestions are welcome,

Jessica

 

 

celeste m sullivan [csull3]

Friday, February 22, 2002 11:26 PM

 

Re: Ready for healing? Maybe not.

 

Dear Jessica,

 

It sounds as if your brother might be depressed. How long has this been

going on? It's easy to understand that your mother might also be

depressed. Have you thought about encouraging them to check this out? A

good therapist could be very helpful.

 

Celeste

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Jessica Allen wrote:

 

> My brother has done a ton of research on this

 

I am reminded of the old saying " You can lead a horse to water but you

can't make him drink. "

>

> Slowly he began loosing contact with the

> family - we are lucky to hear from him once ever 4 months or so now.

 

I am relatively healthy and 56. I have been 3,000 miles away from my

family for 28 years. During that time I have slowly (or not so slowly)

reduced contact with my family to where it is limited to about once or

twice a year with my parents, one brother and my two children. I have

never met my 4 grand daughters. The last visit back home has been 6

years ago. I don't think I have spoken to any of my 8 sisters or my

youngest brother since then. About once a year I might get a letter

from one of them and I do get some pictures of my grand children and

notices of their births.

 

In my case it is not about my health, cults or bald eagles. It is

simply a matter of having almost nothing in common. I grew up in an

ultra conservative lifestyle and have made a complete 180 degree turn

from that. Even my children are very conservative by my standards. My

children I really don't know and trying to change that after 28 years

is very difficult. Recently my dad wrote me a letter suggesting I

should come and visit as his time here might be getting short, he is

84. I have often said I'm not sure if I could be bothered going back

for his funeral. Family is just not important to me.

 

I don't have an obligation to attach importance to the same things my

family does. It is their responsibility to deal with however that

makes them feel. My only responsibility is to be true to myself. If I

were to choose to leave this earth (I have no desire to do so) it is

my choice and I have no obligation to change my choices to make

someone else feel better.

>

> I have been telling my mom for months to contact the MS association to get

> into support groups and stuff

 

This ultimately is the proper course of action. The fact that he has

MS is not the issue. The true issue for her is to deal with her own

personal feelings around it. We are all only responsible for our own

feelings and our own health. What anyone else does or does not do can

not make us feel anything unless we choose to let it.

 

 

> I care and will be here for you,

 

This is the only sensible approach.

 

 

> My family is the type of family

> where things that are bad don't get discussed, sweep it under the rug

 

Same here.

 

 

> I'm like the outspoken renegade :-).

 

That's me too.

 

Andy

[Guest guest]

Jessica

 

i was curious to learn from you:

where do you take the anger?

there is a lot of frustration and anger

on the sick relative who is not cooperating?

 

when you decide to shut up - then

there is a lot of anger accumulating.

inside.

this is my experience.

 

I have to deal now with anger.

 

Anat