feelings of inadequacy

[Guest guest]

Realpassion4life wrote:

 

> << when I fall into the negative thoughts, they usually

> dwell on my own feelings of inadequacy or not getting it right the first

> time. >>

 

A recent e-mail about applications of Emotional 'Freedom Technique covered a

closely related topic. I have copied that e-mail below. Sorry that it loses a

little formatting in the copy/paste process.

 

Rich Putman

*****************************************************************

Subj: EFT: Paradoxes in validating one's Self

6/29/2002

<A HREF= " gary " >gary</A>

 

 

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____________________Thought for the day... " This I know. Those among you who

will be happy are those who have sought and learned to serve. " Dr. Albert

Schweitzer____________________

 

Paradoxes in validating one's Self

 

Hi Everyone,

 

EFT Contributing Editor David Lake, MD from Australia both educates and

entertains us with this thought provoking article aimed at the paradoxes

involved in validating one's self.He begins by acknowledging the difficulty

many people have with the " I accept myself " part of the EFT set up phrase and

proceeds to add insights as to why this happens. He says, " We mistakenly

conclude that our mistakes and faults should never exist. That they could

never be part of wholeness. " Then Dave provides some some steps for dealing

with this problem...including some clever language. You may want to write

down some of his phrases.Hugs, GaryP.S. At the end of his article Dave

announces that he and Steve Wells will be giving some advanced EFT workshops

in the U.S. and Europe--one of which will be near San Francisco in September.

They have graciously invited me to conduct a question and answer session on

the evening of September 14 and I have accepted. I hope to see some of you

there.

 

____________________

 

By David Lake, MD....

 

“We do not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making

the darkness conscious.†(C.G.Jung)This post is about accepting our ‘dark

side’ using paradoxical methods. Validate means to confirm or corroborate.

[Valid: having some foundation, based on truth. The archaic meaning is

robust, well (Collins English Dictionary)]. It means affirming a sense of

self—personally, and for others. It is our work on ourselves that makes the

difference in relationship with another. This work is the only area in which

we have the healthy illusion of control. We have huge problems in

relationship accepting all the human qualities of another but these are

insignificant to the struggle in accepting ourselves as we truly are. Are you

accusing your close friends of having poor judgement in liking you? How can

we extend compassion to others if we blame ourselves? “Nothing human is

foreign to me†(Oscar Wilde) EFT is for connection: “I accept

myself…†Yet I have noticed very consistently that people hesitate when

saying the reminder phrase for the first time when this word appears.

Obviously a part of them does not accept themselves, as Steve Wells has

recently explored in his posts on self-acceptance. They cannot validate their

self and being—it would not seem to be real or true—if it includes all the

disowned and awful stuff. This moment of awareness in the EFT session calls

for a balanced and practical approach, because I think it represents the

problem of human suffering—the underlying contracted, disconnected,

life-denying state. “Well, on the day I was born, God was sickâ€

(poet Cesar Vallejo) This “dark side†is a paradox. It has its own weird

logic. If you say that you do accept—then because this includes the

unacceptable parts of you, you are a hypocrite…you must have poor standards

and don’t try hard enough. If you say that you don’t accept —then you are

stuck with the hopelessness of being your fault-ridden self, and closing the

door to change. It is a double bind of monstrous proportions. Of course the

mind thinks about this in black/white and good/bad terms, but I feel certain

that a dark truth is waiting for healing in this situation. Right at the

start of learning EFT people encounter their own invalidation. And it fits!

In this “relationship†with ourselves we are not together—we are

separated.

The resistance is not logical, or rational, or intellectual—it is emotional

and part of a negative belief. Of course we were trained and conditioned over

years to think and feel that something was wrong with us—because of our

behaviour. “You’re a bad boy!†instead of “What you did was bad!†This

is

the essential invalidation. “Familiar†comes from the word for family. We

hold on to these learnings (and often generalise significant ones to all

people) for life in some cases. These are our good and bad “rulesâ€.

Psychotherapy books written on this subject are a 2-man lift. Getting rapport

with your disowned part Why are therapists and friends in such a hurry with

us to validate the positive, and sidestep or deny the negative? I think the

great challenge is in validating the “dark sideâ€: recognising what it means,

and acknowledging its legitimate presence and linked suffering. Few people

consider that their mistakes are what they can truly call their own! And

these are not necessarily “learning experiences†either—just mistakes. A

friend of mine says wryly: “I don’t know how many more of these learning

experiences I can handle…†We mistakenly conclude that our mistakes and

faults should never exist. That they could never be part of wholeness. When a

couple fights in the counselling room, I don’t stop them! I merely enquire

after a lull if this is the nature of their relationship. I tell them I don’t

want to interfere with a finely-tuned system that might be working just fine

in a way I can’t understand. Usually they are evenly matched. Of course the

each partner blames other and finds them impossible to live with. This is the

relationship! So, “What’s the problem?†I accept their “fault†while

I

tacitly encourage them to change. But if they don’t or won’t—that’s

life.

[Who am I to impose my beliefs about friendship and companionship on a couple

who so obviously are saving two other people from such relationship misery?]

The first key to change is awareness. “The FOCUSING approach with it's total

acceptance of everything, no judgment, no fixing, but BEING

PRESENT to everything that comes is the crucial factor for me, and that's

what I try to bring to my clients†(Christel Kraft) Most suffering in

relationship is caused by the triggering of toxic feelings of disconnection.

Where is it written that those we love will never hurt us? It happens. We

cause it to others too. People hate being criticized—especially in

relationship— because this intrudes into their existing self-doubt at once.

The second key is allowing the awareness to be.We can say “yes†to this part

of our being instead of “no†to the trauma it represents (thanks to Tapas

Fleming for the beginning of this idea). This does not mean agreement, or

capitulation. We bring it out into this light—the front of the thought

field—

where it withers. Only secrecy, fear, shame and hurt will feed it. There is

the universal fear that our dark side will prevail—will drown us. With the

thoughtful and persistent use of EFT I have never seen this happen.

 

The third key is using EFT to sneak up on your dark side

 

This is like using psychological aikido. Fancy being cheerful with all those

faults… “I’m not OK and you’re not OK—but, hey, that’s OK!â€

(Mafia Self-Help Manual) In the clinical work Steve Wells and I have been

doing, to “stimulate†negative beliefs with humour and paradox (while

assiduously using EFT), we have noticed disproportionate benefits and

results, particularly the relief from a subtle pressure to think in only one

way (i.e. positive) about the world, and a delightful irony in attitude—the

very opposite of cynicism—which manifests as a healthy respect for personal

faults and limitations. This leads toward self-reconciliation and wholeness. “

I’m a work in progressâ€, said one bemused workshopper.

 

General EFT

 

Sometimes you can approach the main event directly, using EFT (with the

reminder phrase IN CAPITALS):

“I accept myself with ALL MY FAULTS AND FAILINGSâ€

 

 

“I accept myself even though I DON'T ACCEPT MYSELF "

 

“I accept myself even though NOTHING WORKS OUTâ€

 

" I KNOW I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH even if others say I amâ€

 

Reworking The Problem

 

I use the set-up in EFT for the creative reworking of the problem, followed

by interweaving paradoxical suggestions—as variations on a theme—while

tapping the points.

“Even if I AM A SLOW LEARNER…looking through rose-coloured

glasses…stumbling

down the road of life…â€

 

“It wasn’t me—it was my evil identical twin who did it†Exaggeration &

IronyIn a light-hearted way I use the words awful, terrible and horrible as

adjectives to ‘pile up the problem’ and seemingly turn a molehill into a

mountain.

“Although I have such an awful partner…really terrible to me…I’m doing

my

bestâ€

 

“It’s probably too hard for me to get over this…

 

“This could be worse than I thought…â€

 

“The first 40 years is the hardest…â€

 

The paradoxical approach to the paradoxical problem

 

“Even though I can't accept myself, I accept that I cannot accept myself, and

at least I can accept I can't accept myself. " Dr Alexander Lees (EFT

Contributing Editor) [D.L. This is brilliant phrasing—I wish I had

thought of this.]This statement shows the truth and validation of allowing

the negative and the positive to co-exist. There is a difference between

being balanced and being perfect.

“I blame myself for wanting to blame myself—which I’m not doingâ€

 

 

“I’m the only one allowed to talk to me like that!â€

 

Re husbands: “He may not be much—but he’s mine!†(Frank Farrelly)

 

Polarity phrasing

 

I suggest you take advantage of the way the mind works by stating the

negative ideas you perceive, and adding in the positive opposite, when using

EFT paradoxically:

Reminder Phrase: “ I don’t accept myself at all…for lots of reasons…but

I

do!â€

 

Or the other way round (positive to negative):

Reminder Phrase: “I’m a really good person…kind to animals…but not

myself!â€

 

Alternate tapping on opposites

 

First point: “I’m a good personâ€

Second Point: “ Not all the timeâ€

Third Point: “I do my bestâ€

Fourth Point: “Which isn’t really good enoughâ€

Fifth Point “ But I keep going†etc

 

The negative

 

This phrasing consistently brings up the negative directly, or the positive

you wish for (and can’t seem to have) and I find gives “leverage†in EFT.

I

place a large emphasis on the negative statements in the context of working

with someone, and doing a great deal of tapping on the associations and

experiences that arise. For the client I “speak the unspeakable†and

“think

the unthinkable†(from the tenets of Provocative Therapy) if I have excellent

rapport. The effect of stimulating the negative is intense and constructive—

the paradoxical miracle of the energy therapies. I prefer continual tapping

on several accessible points when working in this way. So often there are no

words, but much hurt feeling, from lack of validation in the past. Work with

this in the body (e.g. “this stomach emotionâ€) if you can discover it (“

Where do you imagine this might be in your body if you had to name a place?â€

), and if it is easier that way. Memories, experiences and impressions are

linked to these core beliefs: use EFT persistently with them all to be

thorough. Healing the effects of certain incidents can be life-changing!

Although I think the effects of the life-denying part of any person can never

be completely eliminated, with the right approach they shall not dominate. It’

s lonely being your own therapist, so if you find you are climbing a personal

Mt Everest—get some help. Larry Nims says that, according to our training,

conditioning and early life experiences, we are “doing the best we canâ€. EFT

and the energy therapies have the potential to distort and shatter our

invalidating perceptions permanently. EFT is for discovering your true self.

David Lake, MDEFT Contributing Editor PS: Dr. David Lake and Steve Wells

will be visiting USA in September and Europe in November to conduct some

Advanced EFT Workshops. “EFT and Transformation†Workshops will be held in

San Francisco and Dallas, as well as Zeist in the Netherlands, and workshops

in “Provocative Energy Therapy†will be held in Munich and Vienna. These

workshops will demonstrate David and Steve’s unique approach to addressing

EFT to issues of self-acceptance and validation, uncovering and treating core

beliefs and identity issues, and much more. For full details, contact Steve

Wells on: <A HREF= " wells " >wells</A>