Secrets of Ad copy for thousands in profit... ad 1

[Guest guest]

I just finished the first one and immediately checked my imbox, and

another was in there for my training pleasure... so here goes the first

one.

 

I will only put the first words of the paragraph that I'm reffering to

so that you may follow along... I will not post the whole ad since it

will go out in 4 days, and what should stay is my critique, not the ad..

or so interpreted from Doc's instructions.

 

Here we go.

 

First off, my first impression was that Doc wants to broaden his

customer base, since it has very different vocabulary… I even doubt Doc

wrote this… I’ll show you why… also, I read the previous letter and it

is quite different.

 

>What is the Secret and Amazingly Effective Martial Art of…

 

First, the Headline… seems too weak in terms of qualifying people and

doesn’t grab you by the throat and say “READ ME NOW, B![<#!!!”

 

>Are you interested in

 

I would use this as part of the headline, since the purpose is to make

them read the rest… also it has a benefit and “attractive” words like

the step by step, the same appeal as the “for Dummies” books.

 

>Hidden Dragon is a witty,

 

This is something I feel Doc got from a Women’s magazine headline. This

is not how Doc normally writes… Doc normally likes “Bone crushing,

Devastating, explosive…”.

 

What is this thing of “witty, inspiring, user friendly”? Are you trying

to attract women to the studio? Maybe yes! A better way would be to

write it as a testimonial from a girl, since there is no how or why in

this point.

 

>It’s life or death!

 

One thing is that I would focus on the School and its trainers, and less

on the style. Like “Here at the HD Kung Fu Studio we deal with…” That

way you can increase the value even more of the instructors. Also, this

line about HDKF taking care of the business rang warnings… It should be

worded something like, “with what you learn at HDKF, you’ll know how to

easily take care of …”. Or, “With what the World Class Trainer of HDKF

teach you, you will effectively and efficiently be able to survive

assault, etc…”

 

>You want to win?

 

Qualifying fighters and competition seekers… attracting them… Also an

attempt at a “Speedman” like cool name… the “deadly expert”… unfortunate

it is kind of weak. Why not try “The Hidden Dragon Kung Fu Master” of

“HDKF Trainer that interviewed me”, or “HDKF Master Trainer that gave me

my introductory lessons…”. This strengthens points that are later given.

 

>Think you are tough?

 

 

Qualifying Tough guys… challenging their manhood. This is a guy thing.

And it works. Except that tough guys don’t know what this awareness is

restored thing is… what are the benefits… what does that mean? They

understand “I got my ass handed back to me and learned how to do it

too!” or “I cried for my Mommy while techniques I couldn’t even see

where done on me by the HDKF students” Also, a testimonial saying these

things would work best…

 

>Get the REAL art!

 

 

 

I would rewrite in simpler words and power words… In the Kung fu

sentence I would write “As a method of physical culture (or exercise, or

physical and mental training), it extends life, and teaches us …” You

could meld the two parts of this paragraph to flow into one… that seems

to test best!

 

>Kung-fu is the oldest

 

Setting up, leading and increasing value of the secrets… the westerners

that know… ooooohhhh

 

>It is a paradox in our age

 

Away from motivation, yet it needs more kick, to really drive it home

with words like “destroy, kill, beat up, rape, stab, shoot, murder,

slaughter, etc.”. Also a small story about if someone goes to your home

and you and family are there… some people do nothing and get hurt and

victimized, with HDKF, you’ll be ready o act in the best way possible…

of course worded differently. Also I would add that the skills to

survive all those predicaments are learned in the HDKF school. Oh, very

important, citing newspapers gives authority and integrity to what you

say, and if it is said in the newspaper, it must be true…

 

>Size is no barrier.

 

Qualifying statements… “for Dummies” phenomena. If people don’t know

they can do it, they won’t buy into it. If they think it is possible,

just not for them, they won’t buy it. Yet if it is possible for them,

they give it a try. The secret is that if they get immediate

compensation for their first tries, they keep at it… But if the first

signpost of improvement is too far away… they let it go, and say it

doesn’t work… Another thing is that I would delete the “for families”

statement, since I want it lethal FOR MY FAMILIES’ SAKE. Stressing that

point would be better. Better to say that this is not basketball or a

ball sport, this is for true skills for survival. And we take it

seriously, and watering it down would mean the pain and death of defeat

when really needed… it’s better to have it and not need it than need it

and not have it.

 

>Secrets of Ancient Wisdom!

 

Heightening the value of the skills, yet it needs more power words,

instead of highly superior skill, you can put perfected to a science;

effective, efficient, and repeatable by anyone that wants to learn.

 

>Kung-fu does NOT limit the client!

 

 

I would put that it won’t hurt the client in practice… you can say how

football has so many injuries and other sport bring pain… here you can

be competitive and active and be safe! Also, injuring sounds nice…

RUPTURE, now that hurts! DAMANGE, RIP, TEAR… those are good words to put

here!

 

>Hidden Dragon Gives YOU the EDGE!

 

 

Unique selling proposition. Personalized, customized to fit your needs,

schedule, etc. and still get all the benefits! Also, private lessons for

the price of a group, very good! Obviously, the vocabulary is for a

softer, more educated crowd, i.e. sissies, wussies… LOL Just kidding…

hard practice is not for everyone, and you can get the benefits without

barfing at the end of every training session… hehe. What I mean is an

“interesting, exciting and challenging journey” or a “fast paced,

whirlwind, mind blowing, heart stopping, breath taking, eye opening, out

of this world, experience with the guidance of World Class Master

instructors through tried and true, reliable, guaranteed, safe methods”…

or something like that.

 

>Kung-fu does NOT cause self-injury!

 

 

I would put this paragraph after the Kung fu doesn’t limit the client

one. It would really drive the point home.

 

>What Hidden Dragon Kung-fu is NOT!

 

We are not babysitters. We offer very high quality product/service that

makes no compromises for children and people that will not take it

seriously.

 

>Many FRADULENT TRAINERS

 

Ours is assured quality. Yet these 2 paragraphs failed in that it makes

no attempt to differentiate you from them… what then makes you

different? What makes you not be a fraud? IF you say his is 3 inches and

yours is 12 inches, you better be ready to whip it out! LOL

 

>You “must” QUALIFY

 

 

The take away, scarcity development and setting the frame that you need

us not the other way around. That way you set the price and have the

power to negotiate.

 

>Our PURPOSE of the

 

 

I would emphasize the more specialized, serious KF training… really

stress that that is the cream of the crop… and they’re getting a lick

from the top of the ice cream. Another take away…

 

>WARNING, only 7 open slots!

 

More take aways… really laying it on thick. You can talk about the

waiting list for last year for the trainers… and make it really

important that they value your time… Martial arts training was as

precious as gold less than 100 years back in the orient… and also in the

west (fencing schools…). They even hired Masters to make family styles

to protect the family that was the employer! They gave the Master room,

board, food and payment.

 

>Our LOCATION just “5” MINUTES AWAY

 

This is to say get your butt here now. Pretty straightforward. Easy to

find…

 

>CALL 776-6986 NOW, FOR YOUR PERSONAL “FREE” PRIVATE INTERVIEW. Thank You.

 

Basic bye bye. Depending on you target, my critique is that it needs

more power. Also, value should be added to the school, if not it just

makes them go to a closer and cheaper school. Also the headline should

be changed to the one you have as first paragraph… the current headline

should be the smaller sized print over the headline appetizer, bolded

for effect. This is a real change from the older one, and seems to be

for attracting more “educated” crowds, on the professional level,

medical doctors, teachers, lawyers, accountants, etc. People that think

they are intelligent, and sometimes they are… This is a softer crowd

that feels violence is uncivilized… they don’t know that to be civilized

they have to be the most violent around to keep others from dominating

them. Go figure…

 

This is enough for now. Enjoy the critique. Interestingly enough, I am

working on copy for my businesses and this exercise really helps me

flesh out mine.

 

Sincerely,

 

Juan M. Mercado