How can anyone be such a damn idiot?

[Guest guest]

" Its so patently obvious, how can anybody not see it. He is so effin

stupid !!!!! How can anyone be such a damn idiot. " Thats what I said

to her about my boss.

 

But first, just to set the record

straight, I am not a paid professional. Currently retired from

nursery work, I occasionally do free-lance landscape, and more rarely

do energy work for friends and those they refer to me.

 

And the shower lady was a friend (not client) with whom I often

attended healing or consciousness lectures and classes; we both are

Teacher students (on-going). And sometimes

ate out together or had a joint venture going on.

 

I recognized almost from the get-go that she needed to be special and

an authority. I figured this was, at least in part, because her mother

never let be right (translate: know anything independently, or be okay

as she was). Also because she was (once) jewish in a christian

society; overweight (still) in a hot body worshiping society; thus

more " your wrong & not okay messages. " Also, she wanted acceptance and

status, and for people in her circles to be friends.

 

She had some unrealistic idea of what a friend was supposed to be, do.

I helped her on that as I'd already done much analysis on my idea of

friendship. And, Browne (on first read) helped me to further refine

my ideas.

 

When I went through hair-pulling exasperation with the new boss (the

effin idiot mentioned above), or other

problem situations -- she was my sounding board, often offering

valuable information.

 

E.g., About him, she said: Use 3 word sentences; you can't speak PH.d

to a first grader. Do the Dick and Jane number!

 

E.g., regarding my daughter, she said: She doesn't feel heard, listen

to the energy under the words. That is, hear her emotions not the

problem things she is presenting at the word level.

 

Both helped immensely. And so on.

 

She was there for me during fragmentation time, those times when I had

to pick up the pieces and re-structure my beliefs and values. (I

suspect as I read the rest of Browne, and review this time period,

I'll recognize what I missed the first time around, ie, what

psychological traps I was working from.)

 

I loved her quick mind, her ability to brain-spar, (creatively explore

or critically debate ideas), and enjoyed her upbeat energy (chinese

fire) except for when

she did the pollyanna thing --I went from being annoyed to just

letting it go in one ear and out the other.

 

And she pissed me off.

Mostly when she got in her " authority mode " .

 

I pissed her off too.

Mostly when I refused to accept her take on something without

substantiation. Or questioned her logic or

application.

 

We both learned from and because of each other, and changed to one

degree or another, albiet not overnight; changing took some " soul

searching " and processing.

 

In the beginning, we'd just back off, and let the anxst die down; later

on, we were more likely to seek resolution and deal with situations

as they occurred.

 

We both had the desire to resolve difference (be more pro-active, less

re-active) and that helped. We both read Ruiz and that helped. I

joined MMES and that helped.

 

In the beginning, I often pushed her " mother issue button " and in the

last years of our relationship, only occassionally did.

 

Docspeed, when you said she was a

polarity responder -- wow, got it.

 

Thats what she is. And she will change when she changes.

My job is to develop skill in dealing with kind of communcation.

 

Mismatching was a vague

concept to me. So I read everything pulled up that you posted on

these terms.

 

Then started on Browne. Too slow,

I'd be answering your post maybe months from now.

 

I'd read one thing then start

reviewing shower lady's and my part of various past interactions (ditto

with others as they came to mind).

 

So I am answering to part of your post now; probably post later on my

" earth stuff " and will continue reading Browne.

 

I did get this far: My identity trap: I

expected others would do things as I did. One of my versions was,

" hey, I'm no rocket scientist, if I can get it, anyone can. "

 

Wrong. Not the effin new boss-man. Not her. Not .....

 

To some degree I was changing (after him but before Browne)

Probably because I'd read about NLP concepts --maps, reframes,

POVs..etc. and became even more familiar with these

concepts as you continued to post on them. So with some people, it was

easier not to fall into the identity trap.

 

On first read I did not recognize myself; now (second read),

I see that with some people, I am still falling head-long into that

trap.

 

Seeing her in this new frame of reference, I'd say her identy trap was

letting others define her identity: I don't have status, authority,

like-ability, okay-ness unless they give it to me.

 

Got up this morning and googled " mismatch " . Great article from the

first link followed:

http://www.nlpjerusalem.com/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=5

 

Despite her mismatching, sometimes she saught my counsel

and listened to me. I don't know what I did differently on

my end or where she was coming from that she didn't run

the PR or MM at those times.

 

Before starting into the Browne chapters, I read the definitions page.

 

It appears shower lady operates from the certainty trap.

If she is certain of " X " statement she makes, and has her

identity tied up in that, she can accept no other, therefore will

mismatch everything she hears to keep that certainty intact.

 

The certainty trap is operating with me too, but in a different way in

different areas of my life. In both cases its

fear based, we just fear different things and it affects our

life differently.

 

As regards the identity trap, Browne says " to get what you

want, determine the nature of what you must deal with. "

 

If with some people I only see the similarities I like (he is

charming) --- and either do not see, or discount the differences I

do not like, (he is dishonest); then I am not determining the nature

of what I must deal with.

 

Thats mismatching and an identity trap. Correct?

 

Back to Shower Lady: She has moved to another state, but called last

night. I enjoyed the contact; however, I was aware of myself

consciously listening for mismatching and polarity responding.

 

Thanks, Docspeed.

g

 

PS - re: no hidden agenda.

Done.