Meditation of the week: Stepping Out of the Pattern

[Guest guest]

Meditation of the week from cybermonks

http://www.interluderetreat.com/

 

Stepping Out of the Pattern

 

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" Of any stopping place in life, it is good to ask whether it will be a

good place from which to go on as well as a good place to remain. "

Mary Catherine Bateson

 

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Persistence has its merits. If you want to accomplish things, you need

to stick with your goals. On the other hand, it is also important to

know when to stop throwing effort at a losing proposition. Sometimes

success lies in knowing when and how to make a transition, to shift

from one action, process or state of mind to another.

 

Schismogenesis is a word coined by heavy weight social scientist

Gregory Bateson that he used in describing relationship processes among

people. He defined it as a “process of differentiation in the norms of

individual behavior resulting from cumulative interactions between

individuals.” An example would be escalating violence among parties in

conflict. You step on my toe and I push you. You push back and I slap

you. You punch me in the nose. On and on it goes with increasing

violence. As long as behavior continues along the same lines, things

just get worse until the process is interrupted by some condition that

interferes with it. Someone is too hurt to continue or the police come,

for instance.

 

Here is another example of schismogenesis. A person who is highly

suspicious and mistrusting of other people will behave in such a way

that other people may want to keep their distance. Observing people

withdrawing and talking about him, he feels less secure and more

suspicious that others are against him. His own behavior generates

responses in people that reinforce his beliefs. Similarly, some people

form the opinion that the world is a dangerous place filled with people

who don't really care about anybody but themselves. Having that

opinion, they behave toward others with mistrust and anger and others

naturally distance themselves. Finding people distant, the person's

world view is reinforced and his world becomes colder and ever less

friendly.

 

This process of schismogenesis can lead to runaway processes of a

dangerous kind. We can become caught in up in conflicts and arguments

that we really don't want to have, but somehow our behavior makes them

persist. We can find ourselves in uncomfortable complementary

relationships that cause suffering and take us away from what we really

want.

 

One of the characteristics of successful marriages is the ability to

shift destructive arguments before too much damage is done. Rather than

escalating the argument, the partners have the ability do repair work

that shifts them to a more agreeable state of mind. Some, depending on

the circumstances, might use humor, a statement of feeling, an apology,

a request to stop, or a statement of appreciation. The repair attempt

shifts the process from a cycle of mutually assured misery to a

healthier process.

 

In relationships and in our inner lives, it is important to learn how

to shift out of a process that will only increase suffering. If we can

learn to shift from anger to calm assertiveness, from fear to

self assurance, from selfishness to compassion, we can reduce the

amount of suffering we generate for others and ourselves.

 

Practice:

 

This week pay close attention to your emotional states. Observe what

keeps them going. Look for thoughts that generate the emotions. Try on

a different thought, perhaps a more generous or confident one, and see

if the emotion changes. You may need to work at this for a while to

notice the change. Be less of a victim of your emotions and more of an

observer of them. Seek to know the conditions that give rise to your

feelings.

 

In your relationships, if things seem to be going badly, look for

patterns. See if you can identify the behavioral dance you and the

other person are doing. Notice if the tension is escalating. Make an

effort to step outside the pattern and do something to interrupt it.

When there is defensiveness seek to insert kindness. Where there is

anger, seek to increase empathy. If you are bristling, try for more

soothing of yourself and the other person.

 

Look for cyclical behaviors that go nowhere good. Practice stepping out

of the cycle.

 

 

 

_________________________

[Guest guest]

Thank you, this is an affirmation of my own discovery through meditaton, and

puts things into perspective.

 

It is so easy to repeat old patterns because they are comfortable, they are the

known, and I often liken change to buying a new pair of shoes. When you buy a

new pair, you generally get blisters, and sore spots, and they just don't feel

comfortable and you want to take them off and put back on those old run down,

worn, often holey (not wholey) ones, to go back into what feels good in the

moment. But when we stop and look at the results, the difference, and practice

patience and tolerance, it isn't long before we can see th new is much better

than the old.

 

Love Always,

 

Butterfly

 

 

 

 

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