The D word

[Guest guest]

Hey yo.

 

I didn't want to bring up the " D " word, I really didn't. For one thing,

I don't really buy it--at least not the way it's usually presented. I

mean, if they're right in that I have it, then it isn't anything at all

like the docs say it is.

 

I'm talking about depression, of course. Now, this is a secret in

meatspace so don't go blabbing to all my homies about it...but I was

diagnosed clinically depressed at age eleven, then possibly bipolar at

age thirteen. By the time I was seventeen they gave up on diagnosis,

because (surprise!) their ScanTron tests weren't revealing the depths of

my personality; and they settled on " Early-onset abnormal depression " .

(It's always been a point of personal pride for me that the very folks

who specialize in categorizing abnormalities had to resort to calling

mine 'abnormal'.)

 

I've seen many many shrinks. I was locked up briefly at the age of 14;

but hilariously enough the insurance company sprang me from the joint

after 2 weeks, due to inadequate diagnostic proof that I needed to be

there. I was prescribed Prozac at age 17 by a doctor who talked to me

for less than five minutes. By some lucky grace, the side-effects of

'zac really disagreed with me, and pretty much as soon as I could (as

soon as I was 18), I got off them. Um...specifically, I threw them in my

therapist's toilet and told him I never wanted to see him again. (Which

I haven't, except that now he's treating my brother so I might have to.)

Anyway, getting off the drugs didn't make the problems go away; for a

long time I was (hehe...*was*, Sara?) very unstable and sometimes

suicidal. I would have really black spells several months in length, and

then a week or two of rabid high. Thank the gods I went to a liberal

arts college, where you can get away with acting like that and nobody

really bats an eyelid.

 

I'm very proud of the fact that I've managed, with years of work and some

very tough introspection, to get my problem pretty darn under control,

without resorting to any of those nasty meds. I've been back to therapy

once or twice for a single session, just long enough to get a clinical

question or two answered usually; but really I've decided that the act of

making somebody cry for a half hour about what's bothering them and

charging them for it really isn't that helpful, at least to me. So no

more therapy.

 

The D-word dies hard, tho. I think I've been doing slowly but steadily

better for the last few years, especially since I got married. (My

hubby, now *he* should be a therapist!) The black spells got shorter and

the manic phases less overwhelming over time; and the really serious

parts of the whole thing (the suicidalness, hallucinations and sleeping

problems) have pretty much disappeared altogether.

 

There, I talked about it. And bleah, it tasted nasty. So let's get to

the point...

 

I've sort of hit a snag recently. Or at least I think so. I suppose it

could be just a minor resurgence or a momentary relapse...or maybe not.

The last few weeks have been pretty nasty. I haven't gone more than two

days without an uncontrollable crying fit, and not more than half a day

without getting mad to the point of screaming and throwing things. (You

wouldn't know it, but usually I'm very hard to tick off...except when the

D-word kicks in.) I find that little things--discovering that the store

I wanted to visit is closing, being five minutes late, crap like

that--are enough to flood me with dispair lately (melodramatic, I know,

but that's how it feels). Also that one day-full of simple, everyday

stress will tear me apart; it seems almost unbearable and by about six

p.m. all I want is to go to sleep and not have to wake up for at least

several days. For oh, about a month now, maybe a little longer, I get up

in the morning and try really hard to be upbeat, and that carries me

(unsteadily) through the afternoon. But by eveningtime, I'm so frayed

and raw that the smallest thing--catching my bag on the door-handle,

rapping my knuckle, dropping a dish--almost incapacitates me. Of course,

the sheer ridiculous nature of this problem means that I haven't had a

peaceful evening yet; there's *always* something little like that, and if

you're going to fly off the handle every time one happens, you're going

to spend a lot of time flying off the handle. *heh*

 

I'm sure most or all of you are familiar with the " depression is a

disease " line--what I call the DD theory--but if you're not, believe me,

it's true (except in cases of people who just like to whine; I hate to

admit it but they do exist). In most other areas I've been told I'm a

very strong-willed, get-shit-done kind of person; many people consider me

bossy or bombastic or just plain Type-A-workaholic. But when it comes to

this, it seems that nothing I try can stop it. I do Tai Chi and

breathing exercises; I do aerobics to help burn off the anger (you'd

*think* that would work, wouldn't you? It does...for about an hour); I

sip hot tea; I read uplifting literature and meditate. All that helps a

little, but not when the ball drops--when that fuse gets lit, it's like

I'm back to square one instantly. I've stopped listening to the news

(which only ticks me off) and gotten rid of my TV (I probably would have

thrown a rock through the thing sooner or later anyway). But I can't

wipe all the stress from my life...ahem...especially not with some of

what's been going on lately...and I feel like no matter how prepared I

try to be, every day something comes along and smacks my psyche in its

Achilles' Heel.

 

Oh, I also take a multivitamin plus extra C & E daily and I eat *fairly*

well, and drink lots of water, so I don't think I have a deficiency...but

of course I could be wrong. Nutritional adjustments are welcome

suggestions if you think they might help...also I was told earlier in my

life that I had more testosterone than I should. (IMO though, that's an

easy judgement that a lazy doc might make about a tomboy, so it might be

bulldoody.) I was put on birth control briefly at age 16 because they

thought it'd balance me out, but actually it drove me stark raving

off-the-wall, so I quit it fast. I've read a lot about herbs and natural

remedies for depression, but I could never decide what might work for

me...and I guess, to be honest, I didn't really believe that medicine

could cure what I perceive as a personality problem. There, I *hope* I'm

wrong.

 

I'm concerned about some of the things that have been recommended to me

because I am trying to get pregnant, so I don't want to take anything

contraindicated for pregnancy. Also, I'm horrible with dosages

(especially consistent ones), so I'd love to know *exactly how much and

when and for how long* I should take of anything you guys think might

help me. I'll write a big sticky-note and paste it to my forehead so I

don't forget.

 

There. Well. This was all nice and embarrassing (plus, I'm sure, long

and boring), but to be honest you guys are the only people I trust with

this subject excepting my husband, and he doesn't know anything but the

" buckle down and get over it " method. (Note: The BDAGOI method, while

probably incomplete in cases of things like the D-word, has proven

massively helpful in a lot of areas. Admittedly, it's probably the only

reason I'm even functional most days.) And various situations have got

the amount of stress I'm under steadily increasing, so to be honest,

considering my recent slippages, I'm kinda worried. I'd really like to

get a handle on this thing--something that could help me get my feet

under me long enough to think rationally about it would be great--before

it becomes a problem I can't deal with.

 

Please note I'm not looking for sympathy here or a group hug--*lol*--All

in all, I think I'm pretty comfortable with this whole thing; I've been

dealing with it for a long time, really. I hope I gave you all enough

information, but if I didn't, I'm not shy (obviously). If anybody has

any ideas that'd be vonderful. And sheesh, I'm *so* sorry about the

novel-length email. It seems to be my curse to do that to people (they

bitch about it at work, too).

 

Anyways, danke and thrice danke!

....Sara T.

 

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