Techno-Tithe: Church Implants Microchips in Members' Right Hands

[Guest guest]

VOLUME 1 . ISSUE 11 | Release date: April 15, 2004 Next Issue: Jan.

2005

 

 

In This Issue

 

Techno-Tithe

 

Cowell: Special Music " Really Awful "

 

Darwinists Strike Again

 

SBs Boast Highest Rate of " Passion "

 

Survey Results

 

April Church Sign of the Month

 

 

Home

 

 

 

 

 

 

THO HomeFull Story

 

 

Techno-Tithe: Church Implants Microchips in Members' Right Hands

 

 

CROCKETT'S BLUFF, AR - In a startling collision of modern technology

and ministry, Crockett's Bluff Community Church is the first known church in

America to use Logitech's biochip technology to receive its weekly tithes and

offerings.

 

According to last year's church theme - " Be ID'd With CBCC in '03 " -

the congregation of 15,782 outfitted each member of its flock with a subdermal

microchip in the right hand. The device, smaller than a mustard seed, contains

the banking information of each worshipper and is scanned by an usher as he or

she enters the sanctuary.

 

Pastor Bud Caldwell readily admits news of the action is sure to

send end times specialists scrambling to rewrite their works of eschatological

punditry. " Oh there'll be a buzz for a while. Especially from the Van Impe's.

Forgive me for saying this, but it doesn't take much for Rexella to get her

prophetic panties in a bunch. If those two were halfway to heaven when credit

cards came out, I can only imagine. "

 

According to Caldwell, CBCC's corps of greeters have arrived at a

simple formula for deducting funds from each worshipper. " Ten percent off the

top for tithe, obviously. When it comes to offering, we just let the Spirit

lead. If that doesn't work, we try to see what kind of car they drive. "

 

Some church members were admittedly unnerved when Caldwelll cast the

vision for the ambitious plan. Three years ago, Allison and Randy Peavey left

their sputtering church of 1,500 in Little Rock to attend the suburban

fellowship. Said 27 year old homemaker Allison, " I was really shocked, like, 'is

my pastor Nicolae Carpathia or something?' But when Pastor Bud told us our

contributions were still tax deductible, I was reassured. "

 

" I just figured anybody who runs a church this big has to know what

he's doing, " said Randy, a 42 year old CFO. " Besides, we prayed and felt a peace

about it. "

 

Terry Whisnant, 32, is pragmatic about the whole thing. " I do all my

banking online anyway. The chip is just another convenience for me - it's one

less thing to think about at church. Besides, Jesus tells us when we give we

shouldn't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. I can't think of

a more perfect application of that verse. "

 

Still, the 51-year-old pastor tries to alleviate the fears of

newcomers, often employing lighthearted humor. " Before my message I ask the

visitors to give us a " hand " in the work God is doing at CBCC. Get it? Hand... "

 

What may not be a laughing matter to some newcomers at CBCC is the

foyer fellowship policy. In the church's official welcome brochure, Visitors

Pastor Hugh Dowd makes it clear that if you are not chipped, you cannot partake

in post-service coffee and donuts. " There is a flipside however, " said Dowd.

" Once chipped, you not only get food and fellowship, but you also get a ten

percent discount at our bookstore/Starbucks for a year. "

 

For his part, Lead Deacon Ralph Phillips is just happy to be getting

home earlier on Sundays. " By not taking an offering, we're saving 20 minutes per

service. Also, I don't have to count money afterwards. That's another half hour.

Now I'm home for the 1 o'clock game. How 'bout them Cowboys! "

 

Though he's sure to face a firestorm from pre-millennials, the

affable Caldwell seems unfazed by the technology's semblance to what

eschatologists such as Hal Lindsay and Chuck Missler refer to as the mark of the

beast in Revelation 13. " Look, I'm a classic dispensationalist myself, but I see

it as a win-win situation. We either continue at the cutting edge of

contemporary ministry, or we trigger the rapture and bada bing, we're outta

here, brother! "

 

 

 

 

 

Your ratings and comments are extremely important to us. Please take

a moment to rate this page and add your comments (optional). Your feedback

shapes this site! Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

©2004 The Holy Observer . . DISCLAIMER . THE TRUTH .

About THO . Privacy

Created by DigitalLakes Consulting GroupT