Secret recipe discovered for new drug products

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NTN: Health humor - Secret recipe discovered for new drug

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Fri, 3 Mar 2006 09:29:54 -0700

 

NewsTarget Network Insider Alert (www.NewsTarget.com)

HEALTH SATIRE / HUMOR category

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Un instructions at bottom

 

It took some sleuthing, but I managed to sneak into a drug company

lab and steal the recipe for the next big wave of chemical products

they're working on. Wait until you read this " secret recipe " for

making blockbuster drugs:

 

http://www.newstarget.com/019183.html

 

 

 

Secret recipe revealed for next wave of pharmaceuticals (satire)

 

Posted Friday, March 03, 2006 by Mike Adams

 

I recently donned a disguise and was able to sneak into the

pharmaceutical laboratory of ConPfuzer Pharmaceuticals. After bribing

a couple of low-grade lab technicians grumbling about the falling

value of company stock options, I got my hands on a document revealing

the secret recipe for the firm's next new wave of pharmaceuticals!

 

I openly share this with you in an effort to bring attention to what's

actually going into these drugs. You'll be shocked!

 

Here's the recipe revealed in the document:

 

Top Secret Recipe For ConPfuzer's New Pharmaceuticals

Gather the following ingredients:

 

* 1 part dirt-cheap chemical ingredients purchased at wholesale

prices from Germany.

* 2 parts FDA nodding, winking and rubber stamping for fast-track

drug approval.

* 3 parts propaganda, blasted into consumers' heads through mass

media advertising.

* 1 part public relations by donating a million dollars to a

non-profit front group that uses overly ambitious disease " screening "

to recruit more patients for our drugs.

* 1 part illegal experimentation on impoverished children in third

world countries.

* 2 parts fictitious disease mongering through non-profit disease

front groups, in order to create demand for a product that no one

really needs.

* 10 parts dextrose and other fillers so that the finished product

looks like it has some substance.

* 1 part actual clinical trials determining whether the drug is

safe (optional, can be replaced with imaginary clinical trials and

fictional results if desired).

 

Combine all ingredients in a large baking bowl. Mix together with

pseudo-scientific medical jargon and a dash of corporate greed. Toss

in a bankrolled panel of FDA decision panel members and wait for the

mixture to rise. If they object, give them some dough.

 

Once the mixture has risen, cook the research results until the

desired consistency is achieved. Remove from oven, wipe off the

fraudulent research results (which sometimes bubble to the surface),

and allow to cool.

 

Warning: Do not touch the mixture while the marketing department is

cooking the research results, or you may get burned.

 

 

Once the mixture has cooled, divide into tiny tablets, calculate the

cost of ingredients and multiply by 472 to set the " fair market "

retail price. Deliver to the marketing department which will then

determine which medical claims can be made in television ads and where

to find enunciation artists who can say " involuntary anal discharge "

(and other side effects) faster than a hyperactive auctioneer on speed.

 

Warning: Do NOT sample the mixture while making the recipe, as the

chemicals we use have been found to be quite toxic.

 

This recipe document has been embedded with transdermal drugs that

promote dementia (a standard ingredient in all our drugs). You will

now forget you ever read this.