American People Ruled Unfit To Govern

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American People Ruled Unfit To Govern

 

http://theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4026 & n=1

 

WASHINGTON, DC—In a historic decision with major

implications for the future of U.S. participatory

democracy, the Supreme Court ruled 8-1 Monday that the

American people are unfit to govern.

American Focus

 

The controversial decision, the first of its kind in

the 210-year history of U.S. representative

government, was, according to Justice David Souter, " a

response to the clear, demonstrable incompetence and

indifference of the current U.S. citizenry in matters

concerning the operation of this nation's government. "

 

As a result of the ruling, the American people will no

longer retain the power to choose their own federal,

state, and local officials or vote on matters of

concern to the public.

 

" This decision was by no means easy, but it

unfortunately had to be done, " said Justice Antonin

Scalia, who penned the majority decision in the case.

" The U.S. Constitution is very clear: In the event

that the voting public becomes incapacitated or

otherwise unfit to carry out its duties of

self-governance, there is a danger posed to the

republic, and the judicial branch is empowered to

remove said public and replace it with a populace more

qualified to lead. "

 

" In light of their unmitigated apathy toward issues of

import to the nation's welfare and their inability to

grasp even the most basic principles upon which

participatory democracy is built, we found no choice

but to rule the American people unfit to govern at

this time, " Scalia concluded.

 

The controversial ruling, court members stressed, is

not intended as a slight against the character of the

American people, but merely a necessary measure for

the public good.

Just some of the millions of empty voting booths that

can be seen across America each November.

Above: Just some of the millions of empty voting

booths that can be seen across America each November.

 

" The public's right to the best possible

representation is a founding principle of our nation, "

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor told reporters. " If you

were on a jet airliner, you wouldn't want an

untrained, incompetent pilot at the controls, and this

is the same thing. As federal justices, we have taken

a solemn oath to uphold every citizen's constitutional

rights, and if we were to permit an irresponsible,

indifferent public to continue to helm the ship of

state, we would be remiss in our duties and putting

the entire nation at risk. "

 

The ruling brings to an end a grueling 10-month

process, during which more than 100 Supreme Court

hearings were held to determine the public's capacity

for self-governance. In spite of the fact that these

hearings were aired on C-SPAN, most U.S. citizens were

unaware of them because coverage was largely eclipsed

by news that Mary-Kate Olsen, one of the famed Olsen

twins, is battling anorexia.

 

The Supreme Court found that, though 78 percent of

U.S. citizens have seen Star Wars, only one in 200,000

were aware that the multibillion-dollar " Star Wars "

missile-defense system had been approved by Congress.

Additionally, while 62 percent of citizens correctly

identified the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond, only

..01 percent could identify former attorney general

Janet Reno beyond " some woman Jay Leno always says

looks like a man. " Further, only .0003 percent could

correctly identify the ancient Greek city-state of

Athens as the birthplace of the concept of an educated

citizenry participating in democratic self-rule.

 

But the final straw, Supreme Court justices said, came

last week, when none of the 500,000 random citizens

polled were aware of the existence of North Korea's

nuclear-weapons program.

 

" I mean, come on, " Justice William Rehnquist said.

" The threat of global thermonuclear war? It's just

ridiculous. There was no way we could trust such a

populace to keep running things after that. "

 

Populations currently being considered to fill the

leadership void until the American people can be

rehabilitated and returned to self-governance include

those of Switzerland, Sweden, and Canada.

 

" I'm willing to do what I can to help out in this time

of crisis and make sure that my vote counts, "

Stockholm resident Per Johanssen said. " I've been

reading up on America a bit, just to get a general

idea of what needs to be done, and from what I can

tell, they really need some sort of broad-based

healthcare reform over there right away. "

 

In a provisional test of the new system, the Canadian

province of Saskatchewan will hold primaries next

Tuesday to re-evaluate last year's gubernatorial

election in California.

 

The lone dissenting vote came from Justice Anthony

Kennedy, who, in his minority opinion, wrote,

" Although the American people are clearly unable to

make responsible decisions at this time, it is not

their fault that they are so uninformed. Rather, the

blame lies with the media interests and corporate

powers that intentionally keep them in the dark on

crucial issues. "

 

Kennedy concluded his opinion by tendering his

resignation and announcing his intent " to move to a

small island somewhere. "

 

Thus far, reaction to the ruling has been largely

indifferent.

 

" The people ruled unfit to govern? Yeah, I think I

might've heard something about that, " said Covington,

KY, sales representative Neil Chester. " I think I saw

it on the news or something, when I was flipping past

trying to find that show about the lady sheriff. "

 

" If you ask me, voting was a big pain anyway, " said

mother of four Sally Heim of Augusta, ME. " At least

now I'm free to do my soap-opera-trivia crossword

puzzles in peace, without all that distraction about

who's running for Second District Alderperson and

what-not. "

 

In spite of the enormous impact the ruling would seem

to have, many political experts are downplaying its

significance.

 

" It doesn't really change anything, to be honest, "

Duke University political-science professor Benjamin

St. James said. " The public hasn't made any real

contributions to the governance of the country in

decades, so I don't see how this ruling affects all

that much. "

 

" I wouldn't worry about it, " St. James added. " It's

not that important. "