FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007 | The Onion

[Guest guest]

A

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 14:26:46 EST

FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007 | The

Onion

 

 

 

 

From the Onion:

 

" FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007 | The Onion -

America's Finest News Source "

 

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42809

 

FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007

 

November 23, 2005 | Issue 41•47

WASHINGTON, DC†" The Federal Communications Commission voted 3-1

Monday to require electronics manufacturers to make all television

sets ADHD-compatible within two years.

 

To adhere to the guidelines, every program, with the exception of The

Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi Show, will have to be sped up to meet the new

standard frame rate of 120 frames per second.

FCC Chairman Kevin Martin characterized the move as " a natural,

forward-thinking response to the changing needs of the average

American viewer. "

" In the media-saturated climate of the modern age, few have the time

and energy to sit still for an entire episode of King Of Queens, "

Martin said. " Although the FCC will leave it up to the television

networks to make the necessary programming changes, we are

recommending, in accordance with the ADHDTV standard, that all shows

be no more than six minutes in length, and that they contain jarring

and unpredictable camera cuts to shiny props and detailed background

sets. "

" We're also advising that intra-episode recaps occur every 45

seconds, " he added.

The ruling represents a growing shift toward ADHDTV, a television

format designed to meet the needs of an increasingly inattentive and

hyperactive audience. The tuner includes a built-in device that

automatically changes channels after three minutes of uninterrupted

single-station viewing, as well as a

picture-in-picture-in-picture-in-picture option.

According to Sony, the leading manufacturer of the ADHD-compatible

sets, the new technology will allow viewers to play up to three

simultaneous video games while watching television.

 

" Many of our ADHDTVs will come with a motorized base, " Sony

spokesperson Richard O'Dell said. " In the event that the viewer turns

his attention away from the television, it will begin to rotate and

emit sirens and piercing shrieks. "

The mandate to conform to the new format has already been met with

some resistance, particularly from movie channels like HBO, live

programs such as ABC's Monday Night Football, and the History Channel,

whose ambitious five-part, 10-hour historical documentary about World

War II, slated for completion in late 2007, will have to be shortened

to a six-minute montage of the war set to a medley of Ashlee Simpson hits.

 

Some networks, however, are embracing the change.

" A majority of our shows are only watchable for a few minutes at a

time anyway, " said Fox president Peter Liguori, whose recently

unveiled fall 2007 TV schedule includes over 850 new series. " We're

going to roll out an exciting lineup of major sporting-event

highlights, late-night yell shows, and a brand-new season of The O.C.

that will feature 37 new characters and†" well, I don't want to give

too much away, but let's just say it will have a lot more guys jumping

up and down, saying, 'Hey! Hey! Look over here!' "

 

On standard 4:3 televisions, ADHDTV programs will be shown in

letterbox format, with the top and bottom of the screen alternately

filled with bright, flittering butterflies, undulating rainbow-colored

patterns, and singing hamsters in top hats.

Skeptics say the switch to ADHDTV will likely be delayed in favor of

other projects or even completely forgotten by next week. However, the

FDA is fast-tracking approval of the new drug Entertainalin, developed

in anticipation of the modified programming. In clinical trials, the

drug has been effective in helping viewers concentrate not only on the

new TV format, but also on their immediate surroundings, the couch

fabric, a dog passing by the window, and pieces of lint floating in

the air.