Book: Obliviously on He Sails: The Bush Administration in Rhyme

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Obliviously on He Sails:

The Bush Administration in Rhyme

 

 

 

 

Excerpt

 

THE EFFECT ON HIS CAMPAIGN OF THE RELEASE OF GEORGE W. BUSH’S COLLEGE

TRANSCRIPT

 

Obliviously on he sails,

 

With marks not quite as good as Quayle’s.

 

—November 29, 1999

 

The fact that those marks at Yale got him into Harvard Business School

is yet another reminder of which class of Americans has always benefited

from the original affirmative action program. When George W. Bush began

to be spoken of as a possible presidential candidate, he had to counter

a widespread impression that he was just a shallow rich boy who had

failed at everything except riding along on family connections. Given

what Bush’s college transcript revealed, it occurred to me that Dick

Cheney, who flunked out of Yale twice, might have been put on the ticket

because he was the only living American politician who had a less

distinguished academic record at Yale than George W. Bush.

 

The theory prevalent more responsible observers was that Cheney, who had

been in charge of finding the Republican vice-presidential nominee,

selected himself as a sort of nanny to the relatively inexperienced

Bush. I have always thought of Cheney as The Droner. His greatest talent

has been to create a public persona that makes him appear to be, despite

his congressional voting record and his views, too boring to be extreme.

 

In the past, I’d suggested campaign slogans to candidates of both

parties—sometimes the same slogan, as in the tried-and-true “Never Been

Indicted.” In that spirit, I offered Bush a campaign slogan that I’d

once offered Quayle, a student of similar limitations who was in the

DePauw chapter of Bush’s college fraternity, Delta Kappa Epsilon:

“Definitely Not the Dumbest Guy in the Deke House.” The offer was not

accepted.

 

 

 

a SCIENTIFIC OBSERVATION ON THE SPEAKING PROBLEMS THAT SEEM TO RUN IN

THE BUSH FAMILY

 

He thinks that hostile’s hostage.

 

He cannot say subliminal.

 

The way Bush treats the language

 

Is bordering on criminal.

 

His daddy had the problem:

 

He used the nounless predicate.

 

Those cowboy boots can do that

 

To people from Connecticut.

 

—October 9, 2000

 

 

 

ON THE WHITE HOUSE DRESS CODE

 

The President’s demanding proper dress—

 

A tie, a coat, a shine on shoes or boots.

 

I guess we’re meant to find this a relief:

 

We’ve now returned to government by suits.

 

—April 2, 2001

 

 

 

DICK CHENEY’S PRIMER ON THE CONSTITUTION

 

So what’s it called if during war you criticize the President for any

reason?

 

Treason.

 

And how long does this war go on (and this is where this theory’s really

pretty clever)?

 

Forever.

 

 

 

CHENEY’S HEAD: AN EXPLANATION

 

One mystery I’ve tried to disentangle:

 

Why Cheney’s head is always at an angle.

 

He tries to come on straight, and yet I can’t

 

Help notice that his head is at a slant.

 

When Cheney’s questioned on the Sunday shows,

 

The Voice of Reason is his favorite pose.

 

He drones in monotones. He never smiles—

 

Explaining why some suspects don’t need trials,

 

Or why right now it simply stands to reason

 

That criticizing Bush amounts to treason,

 

Or which important precept it would spoil

 

To know who wrote our policy on oil,

 

Or why as CEO he wouldn’t know

 

What Halliburton’s books were meant to show.

 

And as he speaks I’ve kept a careful check

 

On when his head’s held crooked on his neck.

 

The code is broken, after years of trying:

 

He only cocks his head when he is lying.

 

—June 24, 2002

 

 

 

A SHORT HISTORY OF DICK CHENEY AS MINDER

 

At first, we thought we should be glad

 

To have a nanny for the lad—

 

Young Bush, who might be overawed,

 

Who’d barely even been abroad,

 

Who seemed to us a lightweight laddie

 

Who’d need a sitter sent by daddy.

 

But Cheney’s shop became the place

 

Where fantasists would make their case:

 

Iraqis threaten. At the least,

 

We’d rearrange the Middle East

 

And rule the world forevermore

 

If we just smashed them in a war.

 

Dick bought this bunk, and sold it, too.

 

He lied back then, and he’s not through.

 

He’d fooled the rubes like you and me

 

Who never thought that he would be

 

A zealot once he got installed.

 

Stealth Nanny’s what he should be called.

 

—December 8, 2003

 

 

 

 

i’m an old cowhand, as sung by george w. bush

 

(With apologies to Johnny Mercer)

 

 

I’m an old cowhand from the hinterland,

 

Which an Eastern wuss wouldn’t understand.

 

Ain’t a rich folks’ tax cut I wouldn’t sign,

 

But I don’t know no one who drinks white wine.

 

How ’bout Kenneth Lay? Weren’t no friend of mine.

 

Yippee i oh ti-ay! Yippee i oh ti-ay!

 

I’m a cowpoke, folks. Don’t eat artichokes.

 

Burgers do me fine. Wash ’em down with Cokes.

 

In my battle flight suit I’ll stike a pose,

 

But I got compassion, down to my toes.

 

It’s for unborn babies and CEOs.

 

Yippee i oh ti-ay! Yippee i oh ti-ay!

 

I’m a cowboy, guys. This is no disguise.

 

I don’t flip or flop. I don’t agonize.

 

Ain’t no bad guy goin’ I won’t bombard.

 

Kerry’s soft on bad guys and I am hard—

 

Toughest hombre ever hid in the Guard.

 

Yippee i oh ti-ay! Yippee i oh ti-ay!

 

 

 

 

ON THE APPOINTMENT OF HENRY KISSINGER, THAT CHAMPION OF OPENNESS IN

GOVERNMENT, TO CHAIR THE 9/11 INQUIRY

 

" Mr. Kissinger said today that he was not aware that any of his clients

might pose conflicts of interest with his mission as chairman of the

commission, which is to investigate why the United States failed to

prevent the attacks. " —The New York Times

 

There are no conflicts to prevent

This mystery from being solved.

From that we can at least conclude

That Pinochet was not involved.

—December 23, 2002

 

 

 

 

RUDY GIULIANI, WHO SAW NEW YORK THROUGH 9/11, HONORED BY TIME MAGAZINE

 

So Rudy is the person of the year.

We join the world in offering a cheer.

At certain times, it now must be conceded,

A paranoid control freak's just what's needed.

—January 21, 2002

 

 

 

 

RUNNING OUT OF TARGETS IN AFGHANISTAN

(A Pilot's Lament)

 

We're running out of targets, guys,

There's nothing to destroy.

They simply don't have buildings here,

Like Baghdad or Hanoi.

 

Today I sent a missile off

And said, " That's all she wrote. "

It turned out that I'd vaporized

Two camels and a goat.

 

So let's go back to Serbia.

These gunsights have to glom

On something that's not rocks or sand.

There's nothing here to bomb.

—November 19, 2001

 

 

 

A TWO-PRONGED APPROACH TO THE AFGHAN PEOPLE

 

By night our missiles rain on them,

By day we drop them bread.

They should be grateful for the food—

Unless, of course, they're dead.

—October 29, 2001

 

 

 

SLEEP TIGHT

(A Lullaby Sung Each Night to Osama bin Laden)

 

Sleep tight. There's no one making much ado.

So sleep this night, Big O—in peace, sleep through it.

The folks you bombed now never mention you.

They're chasing down a guy who didn't do it.

—September 1, 2003

 

 

 

EVERYTHING GEORGE BUSH NEEDS TO KNOW HE LEARNED ON THE PLAYGROUND

 

Let's say that from the east while you look south

An icy snowball hits you in the mouth.

You see the kid who did it run, the wretch,

But he proves quite impossible to catch.

He's gone. So you, your anger quite unsated,

Beat up another kid you've always hated.

 

You hit him from above and underneath.

Then smash his nose and rearrange his teeth.

Yes, pound on him until that dreadful punk'll

Have no alternative to crying uncle.

Though he is not the wretch too fast to chase,

It's hard to tell that once you've smashed his face.

—April 28, 2003

 

 

 

ON PAUL O'NEILL'S REVELATION THAT THE BUSHMEN WERE PLANNING A WAR WITH

IRAQ FROM THE EARLIEST DAYS OF THE ADMINISTRATION

 

It now appears that they saw 9/11

As, even though not quite ordained in heaven

To punish godless sins allowed in bed

(As Falwell and Pat Robertson had said),

At least a blow that could be put to use—

Though tragic, sure, a heaven-sent excuse.

—February 9, 2004

 

 

 

THE 9/11 COMMISSION HEARS FROM RICHARD CLARKE

 

When testimony came from Richard Clarke, he

Inspired White House spokesmen to get snarky,

Because, with words combining bite and bark, he

Revealed their tough-guy pose as pure malarkey.

—April 19, 2004

 

—April 5, 2004Copyright© 2004 by Calvin Trillin

 

 

 

ISBN:

1400062888

Subtitle:

The Bush Administration in Rhyme

 

Publisher:

Random House