Take The Am I Miserable or Whut? Test.

[Guest guest]

Ed Naha:

'Don't worry. Be unhappy.'

January 16,2006

 

About a week ago, a massage therapist friend of my wife's told her that

she had never seen her clientele " so anxious. "

It was a trend she'd noted lately that was really on the rise. Well, I

said to myself ( I often talk to myself, these days, since my

hand-puppet died), it's no wonder. BushCo. has shattered just about

every touchstone of American society in five loong short years.

 

During tough times, there were always certain rock solid American ideals

you could cling to while riding out the storm.

These days? They're as solid as Jell-O.

 

Not having much of a life, I scrolled through the week's headlines to

see if I could find anything to back up my theory.

And, there it was, in USA Today: " Unhappiness has risen in the past

decade. "

 

According to writer Sharon Jayson, " There's more misery in people's

lives today than a decade ago... "

 

In a new study from the University of Chicago's National Opinion

Research Center, researchers found that, since 1991 (when the last study

was conducted), the percentage of respondents who reported at least one

significant negative life event increased from 88% to 92%, with people

worrying about everything from health care to health insurance. So, how

are we doo'n?

 

Just about every critic of this Administration has noted that Bush does

best when people are scared;

scared of terrorism, of social security evaporating, of germ warfare, of

losing their jobs, of foreign invasions,

of Baathists hiding under their beds, of Grinches stealing Christmas.

 

We have, as a nation, become as twitchy and wall-eyed as Barney Fife

trying to quick draw a loaded .357 Magnum out of his boxer shorts.

 

Since most of us won't be taking part in any scientific surveys to rate

how bad off we are, I thought I'd concoct one that we can respond to

from the privacy of our homes.

 

It's called:

 

" The Am I Miserable or Whut? Test. "

 

It's quick and its easy!

Just complete the following:

 

1) When I hear President Bush speak, I:

 

a) think that this is a great and determined leader.

 

b) wonder if there have been any reports of mass suicide at The Mirriam

Webster's Dictionary headquarters.

 

c) break out the whiskey, hoping for a quick black out.

 

d) suddenly have warm and fuzzy feelings for Nixon.

 

 

2) When I see President Bush charm an audience at a Town Hall meeting, I:

 

a) am proud to see how many patriotic Americans are still left in this

country.

 

b) thank God there haven't been greater advances in the field of cloning.

 

c) wonder if " Night of the Living Dead " is going to be on the tube, today.

 

d) feel my IQ level drop ten points.

 

 

3) President Bush ordered the invasion of Iraq because:

 

a) Saddam Hussein supported Osama bin Laden and wanted to invade and

take over America.

 

b) North Korea would have kicked our ass.

 

c) Laura told him to quit blowing up frogs.

 

d) he has this weird " bigger bazooka " deal going on with his father.

 

 

4) People who oppose the war in Iraq are:

 

a) unpatriotic cowards who support the terrorists instead of our troops.

 

b) sane.

 

c) people who can read and comprehend above an eighth grade level.

 

d) history majors.

 

5) When Bush says " We're fighting the terrorists over there so we don't

have to fight them over here, " I:

 

a) think he makes a sound and urgent argument.

 

b) wonder if I should order take-out for dinner or just zap the frozen

fish sticks?

 

c) fight off the urge to take a bath with an electric appliance clutched

in my hand.

 

d) quickly rent " The Dukes of Hazzard " to elevate my brain cell count.

 

 

6) The President's wire-tapping of American citizens is:

 

a) necessary to catch all those traitors who have swarthy friends in al

Qaeda.

 

b) necessary to catch all those reporters, politicians and peace

activists who think Iraq is a bogus war.

 

c) better than him having to watch QVC. After all, he's trying to cut

the budget, not spend, spend, spend.

 

d) a dry run before suspending elections and declaring martial law.

 

 

7) Bill Frist and Dennis Hastert standing side by side reminds me:

 

a) of the great leadership in Congress.

 

b) of the number " 10. "

 

c) of a Satanic version of Laurel and Hardy.

 

d) of the book " The Peter Principle. "

 

 

8) Condi Rice reminds me:

 

a) that in America, anyone and everyone can succeed.

 

b) of a surly bottle opener.

 

c) of the " Bride of Chucky " bobble-head doll.

 

d) of the fact that Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. died for her sins.

 

 

9: FOX New is:

 

a) the only " fair and balanced " news network on the air.

 

b) the only news network that runs a " crawl " written in crayon.

 

c) a rare genetic splicing of " Laugh-In " and " One Flew Over the Cuckoo's

Nest. "

 

d) a great excuse to read newspapers, again.

 

 

10) The Samuel Alito hearings regarding his appointment to the Supreme

Court:

 

a) were a devastating example of how Democratic partisan politics have

gotten out of control.

 

b) proved to be a great ad for hair plugs.

 

c) provided a good reason for watching re-runs of " NYPD Blue, " " ER " and

" Judging Amy. " TNT knows drama. Congress knows farce.

 

d) re-defined the term " circle jerk. "

 

 

11) Congress, to me, represents:

 

a) a collection of the noblest politicians in the land, except for

Democrats.

 

b) outtakes from the movie " Heist. "

 

c) the biggest " red light " district in America.

 

d) the fan base for all those " Emmanuelle " movies.

 

 

12) When I think about the next three years under President Bush, I

envision:

 

a) Democracy spreading throughout the middle-east with more jobs, less

taxes and solid Social Security reform at home.

 

b) re-reading " The Grapes of Wrath " and taking notes.

 

c) barbed wire.

 

d) countless dry heaves.

 

*******

 

How to rate how miserable you are:

 

-- If you voted " a, " one to six times,

you are beginning to feel the pangs of unhappiness.

In evolutionary terms, the scabs on your knuckles are slowly healing

and you're learning how to walk upright.

You're glancing around, nervously noting the changes in our nation that

occurred while you were sleeping, and you're beginning to wonder " WTF? "

 

-- If you voted " a " on all questions,

you are still a mouth breather who finds shiny objects fascinating,

orders " Freedom Fries " with your over-cooked ten pound burger and thinks

Dick Cheney's a real " stud muffin. "

There is no hope for you.

 

-- If you voted " b, " " c, " or " d " twelve times, welcome to my world!

You know how to pronounce " Les Miserables " correctly ( " Les " is thought

to be a maudlin country-western performer in many red states), have a

high IQ,

can read newspapers without moving your lips and are appalled at the

direction our country is heading.

 

Welcome to True Misery!

 

Oh, don't feel too isolated.

Our ranks our growing!

We get to wear monogrammed hair shirts

and have a secret handshake and everything.

 

So don't despair about being desperate!

It's the new sensation that's sweeping the nation.

Remember: misery loves company!

 

So, see you all in the next " Free Speech Zone " tossed our way.

Or in a camp at an undisclosed European location.

 

 

http://mkanejeeves.com/?p=174