Kraft shrinks, drugs in the drinking water, and obese chickens (satire)

[Guest guest]

NewsTarget.com printable article

Originally published January 31 2006

Health news roundup: Kraft shrinks, drugs in the drinking water, and

obese chickens (satire)

Give yourself a round of applause. We're winning the war against junk

food manufacturers! Kraft Foods, a company that I would categorize as

the largest junk food / processed food manufacturer in the world

(also owned by a tobacco company, by the way) has just announced it's

slashing jobs and closing manufacturing plants. A whopping 8,000

jobs, to be exact.

That's good news for the health of Americans, because it means fewer

factories are churning out disease-promoting junk foods.

Overeducated, misguided economists would argue with that, screaming

about the loss of jobs. But what good is a job if the resulting

product worsens the quality of life of consumers? We could boost the

national economy, I suppose, by hiring people to throw dirt in the

air, but it doesn't make anyone richer or more abundant. It's not the

jobs that matter, but what the jobs are producing. And Kraft Foods,

apparently, missed the boat on rolling out healthy foods. Trans fat

free Oreo cookies don't count.

 

I have a recovery plan for Kraft that doesn't even require a million

dollar fee to fast-talking business consultants: try making foods

that don't shorten the lifespan of your customers and you might

discover a more reliable revenue stream.

 

 

Water with a twist of Prozac

As reported in the LA Times, Los Angeles County has suddenly

discovered what I've been warning about for years: their drinking

water is contaminated with prescription drugs. Gee, didn't anybody

think about where all these synthetic chemicals end up after they

leave the bodies of patients?

Apparently they end up right back in the water supply. They also end

up in the streams (where fish born with two sets of reproductive

organs are now enjoying the happy benefits of Prozac), rivers (where

nothing is left alive anyway, thanks to industrial pollution) and

oceans (the last great pollution frontier for mankind).

 

As it turns out, these pharmaceuticals also end up in the biosolids

(a nice way to say " human feces " ) that gets repurposed as " organic "

fertilizer on our nation's crops. Now, I'm not sure that corn

actually needs Viagra to grow, but it's sure getting a dose. You see,

thanks to Big Pharma's sinister success in convincing 50% of

Americans that they are chemically deficient (a crazy notion that no

sane American would have believed a generation ago), we now have half

the nation gobbling overpriced, over-hyped and over-prescribed

medications, then flushing them down the toilet. Flushing to where?

Most Americans don't seem to have a clue about the answer.

 

The result is pharmaceutical pollution on a global scale. And as long

as Big Pharma keeps pumping out these dangerous chemicals, they're

going to end up in the global ecosystem where the cumulative effect

of thousands of drugs is entirely unknown. As scientists have

admitted, nobody really knows what happens when biological organisms

are exposed to micro doses of a thousand different drugs. But

whatever happens, I'm sure it's not so horrifying that the FDA

wouldn't approve it.

 

In fact, if this trend continues, you may not need to visit the

pharmacy at all: Just drink the water! You'll get a dose of

antidepressants, antibiotics and arthritis drugs with every smooth

sip! And if that thought makes you shudder, don't sweat it, there are

also anti-convulsants in the water. Perhaps this is what allows Los

Angeles residents to handle the traffic there.

 

I just wonder, with all the drugs in the water, will you soon need a

prescription to drink it? Will drug companies charge royalties for

drinking the water? Will Bush take credit for it and explain this was

his plan all along to provide " free drugs " to voters?

 

It's endlessly amusing to me to watch the western world stumble like

a drunken sailor into these eye-opening realizations that should have

been obvious from the beginning: " You mean synthetic chemicals are

dangerous to the environment? " Of course not. And we should all eat

pancakes scraped off teflon pans with metal spatulas. And don't

forget to drink your fluoride, too, while you're at it.

 

 

Viruses linked to obesity?

Americans may have found yet another way to blame something else for

their own poor decisions: Research published in the American Journal

of Physiology explains that scientist with way too much time on their

hands (who probably applied for this funding as a college prank)

injected chickens with adenoviruses to see what might happen.

Unfortunately, the chickens didn't explode, so the Dept. of Homeland

Security cut off all funding. (What good are chickens if they can't

be used to bomb foreign nations in the name of national defense?)

However, the scientists did discover that the chickens stored more

body fat than usual.

 

From that experiment, the ever-bewildered U.S. media declared that

viruses are to blame for obesity in humans! What a relief! It no

longer has anything to do with the fact that TV-hypnotized Americans

don't exercise, or that they gobble up sugars, soft drinks and fried

foods at a pace that would make a pack of famished chickens blush

(right through the feathers, no less).

 

Listen up, Americans: Obesity is no longer your fault! Researchers

said so. And there are a couple of plump chickens staggering around a

Virginia laboratory to prove it. Oh yeah, and some national

newspapers reported it, so it must be true.

 

You gotta love this country. I'm not certain the journalists who leap

to these conclusions are any smarter than the chickens, but I'm

willing to bet most of them are fatter. Were they also injected with

adenoviruses? Do they think the obesity epidemic in this country is

the fault of a couple of needle-toting lab researchers who have been

sleuthing across the country, jabbing skinny people in their sleep

and transforming them into overnight diabetics?

 

For those of you paying attention to the way the world really works,

you've probably already figured out the scam behind this virus

explanation for obesity. It goes like this: If obesity is caused by a

virus, then drug companies can invent a vaccine for obesity!

 

Ah, you knew that one was coming, didn't ya? There's a vaccine for

everything, apparently, but there is no cure for just plain

stupidity. There is, however, plenty of entertainment to go 'round.

The drug companies, the researchers, the journalists and the chickens

are all racing each other to the world record for low IQ scores. And

the chickens are losing that race.

 

 

 

 

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