COMPASSIONATE NEW SURVIVOR BENEFITS

[Guest guest]

from Whitehouse.org:

 

For Immediate Release - Office of the Press Secretary

- January 23, 2006 - 3:06 P.M. (EST)

 

 

PRESIDENT'S REMARKS TO NATIONAL COAL MINER WIVES

ASSOCIATION ANNOUNCING COMPASSIONATE NEW SURVIVOR

BENEFITS

Remarks by the President

 

 

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. I can't tell you what

an honor it is to be here in West Virginia with you

wonderful ladies of the Coal Miner's Wives

Association.

 

Now I hear that the number of widows in your ranks has

been swelling faster than William Shatner's face, and

that's a darned shame. But I want to tell you what's

even more of a darned shame. It's a darned shame when

vicious opportunists exploit the recent deaths down

here to point out how my administration spent the past

five years slashing all those Clinton-era mining

safety regulations at the behest of the coal companies

that have bankrolled my entire political career. And

it's a darned shame when they imply that us

Petrochemical CEO types don't care about you folks in

Appalachia. (Sniffs. Dabs tear from eye.)

 

Well I want to assure you that we DO care. After all,

this is the last place in America where everyone's so

piss-poor and ignorant, we can pay your husbands even

less than a one-armed Calcutta retard. Which is why

until the happy day comes when robots will make it

possible to lay them all off, we of the Energy

Plutocracy want your husbands to live long and

extremely productive mole people lives, meeting (and

exceeding!) their production quotas each and every

day. Then after thirty or forty years of back-breaking

labor, they can retire in trailer park comfort, and

die naturally on the surface of some non-work-related

malady like Black Lung and/or emphysema which is not

covered by insurance.

 

 

The White House Store!

 

 

Intelligent Design Gear!

 

 

 

 

 

I know the recent tragedies have been difficult,

ladies, but please, I want you to take some small

consolation when I call the victims " heroes " – because

whenever any poor working schlub dies a senseless and

totally preventable death on my watch, that's what I

call them. And then it becomes instantly distasteful

to tarnish their heroism by asking inconvenient

questions, and before you know it, the Franklin Mint

has put out a lovely $200 commemorative plate that

firmly establishes the spin as historical fact.

 

In closing, I know that some still doubt that my

administration will provide for West Virginny's mining

families. Which is why today, in addition to

allocating funds for replacing antiquated canary-based

mine safety systems with caged Mexicans who shout

" VAMANOS! " , I am also super-proud to announce the most

aggressively generous survivor benefits program in the

history of Compassionate Conservatism.

 

Thank you, and God Bless Coal-Producing America!