Stephen Colbert Mocks Bush

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Stephen Colbert Mocks Bush

Wed, 3 May 2006 11:13:29 -0400

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Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006

Stephen Colbert's Blistering Performance Mocking Bush and the Press

Goes Ignored by the Media

 

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http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=06/05/03/145234

 

 

Stephen Colbert, the host of the Comedy Central fake news program " The

Colbert Report " repeatedly mocked President Bush and the press for its

failings in a blistering routine at the White House Correspondents

Association annual dinner Saturday night. We play his comments.

[includes rush transcript] On Saturday night, over 2,000 journalists,

politicians and Washington insiders gathered for the White House

Correspondents Association annual dinner. President Bush was there and

took part in a skit with presidential impersonator Steve Bridges.

 

And then there was the featured entertainer, Stephen Colbert, the host

of the Comedy Central fake news program, The Colbert Report.

 

If you followed how the corporate press covered the night you might

not have even realized Colbert spoke but he gave a talk that

repeatedly mocked the President and the press for its failings.

 

According to the media watchdog group Media Matters, subsequent press

coverage focused only on Bush's light-hearted comedy, while omitting

mention of Colbert's blistering performance.

 

On May 1, all three major networks played clips of Bush's routine on

their morning shows, but ignored Colbert entirely. CNN's American

Morning did the same. The New York Times initial coverage of the night

omitted any reference to Colbert.

 

Several media critics have questioned why the press ignored Colbert's

criticism of the president.

 

At the same time, the Colbert performance has been one of the most

talked about topics on the Internet. Today we are going to give you a

chance to hear comedian Stephen Colbert in his own words. This is what

he said at the White House Correspondents Association dinner.

 

* Stephen Colbert, host of the Comedy Central fake news program

The Colbert Report, addressing thousands of journalists and President

Bush at the White House Correspondents Association dinner, May 1, 2006.

 

RUSH TRANSCRIPT

 

This transcript is available free of charge. However, donations help

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AMY GOODMAN: Today, we'll give you a chance to hear comedian Stephen

Colbert and to watch him in his own words. This is what he said at the

White House Correspondents' Association dinner.

 

STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I

begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14

black bulletproof SUVs out front, could you please move them? They are

blocking in 14 other black bulletproof SUVs, and they need to get out.

 

Wow! Wow, what an honor! The White House Correspondents' dinner.

To actually -- to sit here at the same table with my hero, George W.

Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody

pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper; that may not be

enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight?

Damn it! The one guy who could have helped.

 

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else

at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table

numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

 

Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame

First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert, and tonight it

is my privilege to celebrate this president, `cause we're not so

different, he and I. We both get it. Guys like us, we're not some

brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the factinista. We

go straight from the gut. Right, sir?

 

That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you

know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your

head? You can look it up. Now, I know some of you are going to say, " I

did look it up, and that's not true. " That's 'cause you looked it up

in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me

that's how our nervous system works.

 

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight

from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational

argument. I call it the " No Fact Zone. " FOX News, I hold a copyright

on that term.

 

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of

beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it

exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the

Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states, and

I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow.

 

I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest

export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of

plastic for three cents a unit. As a matter of fact, Ambassador Zhou

Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible.

I said it's a celebration.

 

I believe the government that governs best is the government

that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous

government in Iraq.

 

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I

believe it is possible. I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil.

It was magical!

 

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone

has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I

believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your

personal savior.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to

believe it's not butter.

 

Most of all, I believe in this president. Now, I know there are

some polls out there saying that this man has a 32% approval rating.

But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that

polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are

thinking in " reality. " And reality has a well-known liberal bias. So,

Mr. President, please, please, pay no attention to the people that say

the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- important to set up

your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say

the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's

still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it.

The last third is usually backwash. Okay.

 

Look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low

point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a

comeback. I mean, it's like the movie Rocky. Alright? The President,

in this case, is Rocky Balboa, and Apollo Creed is everything else in

the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick,

who in this case, I guess, would be the Vice President, he's yelling,

" Cut me, Dick, cut me! " And every time he falls, everyone says, " Stay

down, Rocky! Stay down! " But does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he

gets back up, and in the end he -- actually loses in the first movie.

Okay, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

 

The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was

repeatedly punched in the face, so don't pay attention to the approval

ratings that say that 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man

is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68%

approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.

 

I stand by this man. I stand by this man, because he stands for

things. Not only for things, he stands on things, things like aircraft

carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends

a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will

always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.

 

Now, there may be an energy crisis. Well, this president has a

very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the

ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an

alternative energy source. By 2008, we will have a mesquite-powered car.

 

And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe, obviously loves his

wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's

a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am.

I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a

fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean,

they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true or what did or

didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built

in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an

American! I'm with the President. Let history decide what did or did

not happen.

 

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where

he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on

Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's

beliefs never will.

 

And as excited as I am to be here with the President, I am

appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying

America, with the exception of FOX News. FOX News gives you both sides

of every story: the President's side, and the Vice President's side.

 

But the rest of you, what are you thinking? Reporting on NSA

wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are

secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if

that's your goal, well, misery accomplished.

 

Over the last five years you people were so good, over tax cuts,

WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't

want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those

were good times, as far as we knew.

 

But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The

President makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary

announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those

decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell

check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your

wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know,

the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to

stand up to the administration? You know, fiction!

 

Because, really, what incentive do these people have to answer

your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody

asks for personnel changes. So, the White House has personnel changes.

And then you write, " Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on

the Titanic. " First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This

administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring! If

anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!

 

Now, it's not all bad guys out there. There are some of the

heroes out there tonight: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns,

Bob Schieffer. I've interviewed all of them. By the way, Mr.

President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I appreciate it. I

was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday

for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can just bump him. And I mean

bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.

 

See who we've got here tonight. We've got General Moseley, Air

Force Chief of Staff. We've got General Peter Pace, Chairman of the

Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right, you guys

aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld. Look,

by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired

generals causing all this trouble: Don't let them retire! Come on,

we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen

Zinni in that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on

one of those pundit shows, you're strong enough to stand on a bank of

computers and order men into battle. Come on!

 

Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the

Reverend in just a little while. I had him on the show. It was a very

interesting interview, very challenging interview. You can ask him

anything, but he's going to say what he wants at the pace that he

wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way,

because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

 

Justice Scalia is here. Justice Scalia, may I be the first to

say, " Welcome, sir! " You look fantastic! How are you? Just talking

some Sicilian with my paisan.

 

John McCain is here. John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find

out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't

a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting

him. By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming

back into the Republican fold. I've actually got a summer house in

South Carolina. Look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones

University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.

 

Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate

city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to

Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center and a

graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a Mallomar, I guess, is what

I'm describing, is a Mallomar. It's a seasonal cookie.

 

Joe Wilson is here. Joe Wilson, right down here in front, the

most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And, of course, he brought along

his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? Ay,

gee monetti! I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought

along his lovely wife " Joe Wilson's wife. " Patrick Fitzgerald is not

here tonight, right? Okay, dodged a bullet.

 

And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press

secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name: " Snow Job. " Toughest job.

What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of

course, the ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big

shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else.

McClellan, of course, eager to retire, really felt like he needed to

spend more time with Andrew Card's children.

 

Now, Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so

quickly, sir. I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have

made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these

people.

 

AMY GOODMAN: Stephen Colbert addressing the White House

Correspondents' Association annual dinner. He was speaking right next

to President Bush, who was sitting at his side.

 

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