Thank you for purchasing our food-like snack

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Voices

Mark Bazer

Your Turn:

 

Our sincere thanks for snacking with us

 

Thank you for purchasing our food-like snack. We are certain you will

want to consume it in large quantities, as the chemicals we've used to

create it have been proven in laboratory studies to appeal to people.

 

We believe in bringing you only the most processed ingredients full of

sodium, high fructose corn syrup and additives. While our food-like

snack's ingredient list includes " natural flavors, " this is a technical

term and we are fairly certain you cannot find these natural flavors in

actual nature. Of course, we have not looked.

 

Where our ingredients come from is of no concern, only that they are

cost-effective to us. Our hunch is that most come from countries ruled

either by dictators or military juntas.

 

We do not believe in local ingredients and avoid using them if possible.

We will reconsider our position if the military junta in our area

assumes power. For the time being, if we do use a local ingredient, we

make sure to subsequently organize boycotts of nearby farmers' markets.

 

Please note that this food-like snack has been made on equipment that

also handles nut-like flavorized products, but this particular product

does not contain any nut-like flavorized component. This food-like

snack, however, may contain broken-off pieces of the equipment it's made

on.

 

Our point here is simple: If you are allergic to nut-like flavorized

products or tiny, sharp pieces of metal, please continue to buy this

food-like snack but do not consume it.

 

This food-like snack goes great with other food-like snacks we produce!

It goes less well or not at all with food-like snacks not produced by

us. If we eventually purchase the companies that make these other

products, we also will reconsider this position.

 

One thing we will not reconsider is our position on the environment: It

will always remain unimportant to us.

 

Our packaging is not made from recycled material, and we'd rather you

didn't place it in your home or office recycling bin. But if you do, we

are confident your local garbage collection service will not actually

recycle it. We have been around.

 

We should tell you: This food-like snack is manufactured in gargantuan

batches by machines that are untouched by human hands. You are the first

human being to gaze upon your food-like snack.

 

That said, we did not make this food-like snack just for you. Indeed,

we'd have preferred someone else who was not so keenly interested in

reading this packaging to have purchased it.

 

We do not enjoy explaining ourselves and do so only because our studies

have proven that the longer a consumer spends gazing at the packaging,

the more of the food-like snack contained inside he will consume. Thank

you again for purchasing our food-like snack.