Vacation Bible Gun Camp

[Guest guest]

Register Your Sissy Boy For Vacation Bible Gun Camp!

 

Checklist and Frequently Asked Questions!

 

What can I do to help my child have a great camp

experience?

 

Fathers, before your boy leaves for camp, privately

discuss the importance your church family's

reputation. Make sure that he is fully aware that if

he does anything to embarrass you or the Lord this

summer, Jesus will tell on him and you will beat his

little bare behind with a rusty buckle and have him

shipped off to a Russian orphanage when he gets home.

Let him know that you didn't raise him to be a sissy

or a cry-baby so if you get word that any of that

nonsense is going on, he'll have to find a new Daddy

when he gets back from camp, because you don't want

him to be your son anymore.

 

How do I Handle Homesickness?

 

Mothers, if you receive a call from the camp Pastor,

telling you that your child is acting like a little

Nancy boy and crying about how much he misses his

mother, resist the temptation to " rescue " your child.

You are not permitted to communicate with your child

for the entire four weeks he is away at camp. Please

understand that we are doing everything in our power

to make a man out of your 12-year-old boy. We own him

for a month. Any calls you receive from the camp

Pastor are just phone calls letting you know that your

child is being whipped with a tree branch in

accordance with camp policy or being locked in a bear

cave until he cries himself dry.

What to Bring to Bible Camp? What to Leave At Home?

King James Bible (1611 version)

Highlighter

Semi-Automatic Pistol

Revolver with Telescopic Lens

Plenty of Ammunition

Knives suitable for skinning

Cell Phone and Walkie Talkie

Fireworks

Tape Recorder

Hand Cuffs

One Change of Clothes

Money for Offering Plate

Rope

Notebook, Pens and Pencils

Secular Music

Sleeping Bag

PJ's

Soap and Shampoo

Swimsuit

Flashlight

Camera and Film

Stuffed Animals

Sunscreen

Insect Repellant

Rain Gear

Sissy Friends

 

What are the Fees and are there Refunds?

 

The $2500 deposit is non-refundable. The balance of

the Bible camper fee ($18,000.00) is due the day of

registration. If your child is unable to attend (due

to death or loss of more than two limbs) please cancel

within 10 days by calling the Registrar, Henry (The

Bull) Nelson @ 800-788-CAMP. This way that spot may

then be available for another youngster.

 

What is the policy on Sleeping Mates?

 

Sleeping assignments are made by the Bible Camp staff,

prior to the start of each session. Our counselors

observe each boy through closed circuit cameras as

they are left to fend for themselves alone in the

wilderness for the first two days. During this time

they are carefully studied by a staff of Creation

Scientists to detect any outward manifestations of

possible homosexual tendencies, such as fear and

excessive wiping with leaves after defecation. We

utilize our findings to avoid placing two

molly-coddlers in the same sleeping bag for the next

several weeks. Friends are not allowed to bunk

together (where cabins are available during the end of

the third week) We will try, whenever possible to

honor the requests of parents whose income brackets

and contributions to the church warrant special

sleeping arrangement requests made with

pre-registration. All boys (except the offspring of

Platinum-level tithing parents) will be forced to eat

what is scooped onto their tin plates. Camp is no

place for finicky eaters or silly claims about

allergies. Platinum level tithers are encouraged to

get special dietary requests to room service three

weeks before departure.

 

What are the guidelines for Phone Calls?

 

Your child's personal cell phone is never to be used

to contact friends and family. Cell phones are to be

used exclusively to call the camp Pastor to report

other children for insubordination. Cell phones may

also be used if your child finds himself in a life

threatening emergency situation.. Examples would be a

gun wound to the head or being mauled by a grizzly

bear. Being treed by a grizzly bear is not an

emergency. It is a character-building event, and

should be waited out if the child is unarmed.

 

Do I send food with my child?

 

Please do not send food to camp with your child. Each

child will be given a satchel of dried locusts to

serve as a Bible trail mix. Other than that,

understand that your child is attending Bible camp to

learn post-apocalyptic techniques on how to hunt,

stalk, and kill his own food or starve to death. No

meals are served in the first two weeks. You child

will also learn to barter and share the love of Jesus

at gunpoint should they be left behind as part of the

unsaved remnant after the Great Tribulation.

 

How much money should my child take to Camp?

 

Your child should take 30 twenty-dollar bills. An

offering will be taken up after morning services each

day. By enabling your youngster to place a $20 bill in

the collection plate, he will learn the importance of

giving money to people who matter most to the Lord.

Any child who fails to put $20 into the offering plate

will be taught a valuable lesson about peer pressure

and mob dynamics. The child will then be locked in a

bat-infested cave for the duration of the summer where

he can more carefully contemplate his selfishness.

 

What is there to do?

 

Apocalyptic wilderness survival training, Bible

reading, Scripture memory contests, marksmanship

competitions, Old testament wild deer and boar

sacrifices, gun care and cleaning, manly fellowship,

Bible skits, and evening super surprise game

competitions where children use tranquilizer guns to

hunt unsaved homeless people who are dropped into the

mountains by helicopter.

 

Who can come?

 

Landover Baptist Vacation Bible Camp is for anyone who

finished Grade 3 up to those finished grade 6.

Optional grade 7 for those who attended last year and

failed to kill an endangered animal and memorize over

50 Bible verses.

 

What is the time schedule?

 

We are using a Bible based time schedule at camp.

Thus, we are operating in what camp counselors refer

to as " Eternity Mode. " By depriving your child of food

and sleep for days at a time, we pray that he will

experience a complete loss of time and space, and

ultimately self-worth at various points within the 30

days, coming to a better understanding of his

piteousness in the eyes of the Lord.

 

What if my child is caught with Drugs or Alcohol on

the camp property?

 

Drugs and alcohol will be confiscated by the camp

Pastor. Your child will be stripped naked and a full

cavity search will be mechanically performed. The

child will then be forced to endure the next 30 days

of Vacation Bible Camp without clothes or company.

 

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0703/biblecamp.html