Good News for Iraq

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Nearly 21 Million Iraqis Not Yet Killed

Date 2006/9/13

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

Washington, D.C., November 4, 2006

 

In a press release issued today by Defense Secretary

Donald Rumsfeld’s special Office of Looking on the

Bright Side, the administration pointed out that

despite continuing widespread and escalating violence

in the chaotic region, nearly 21 million Iraqis have

not yet been killed or wounded.

This, while a decrease

from the 21.5 million not yet killed or wounded

highlighted in an earlier announcement, still

represents, according to a Rumsfeld spokesmen, " a very

large percentage of the populace thus far not yet

killed or wounded. "

" I think massaging the facts in this particular manner

really helps put the whole so-called Iraqi insurgency,

quagmire, civil war, catastrophic disaster or

what-have-you into proper perspective, " Gerald

Bulpuppit, spokesman for Donald Rumsfeld’s secret task

force on fact massage, said. " What this says is that

nearly 21 million Iraqis are doing very well,

particularly if you discount the nearly universal

absence of reliable food, fuel, water, electricity,

government, security, or the extremely high likelihood

of getting killed or kidnapped. "

 

Rumsfeld’s Office of Looking on the Bright Side

release also pointed out that well over 100,000 U.S.

soldiers have not yet been killed or wounded in the

ongoing U.S. occupation of Iraq.

 

" That’s a nice, round number that we hope will help

make all Americans feel good inside, whether they are

the kind of loyal, patriotic, freedom-loving Americans

like Donald Rumsfeld who support the war and the way

we’re running it, or the yellow-bellied fascist

appeasers who don’t. We’re trying to appeal to the

whole demographic spectrum, " Mr. Bulpuppit said.

 

With the recent planned increases in U.S. troop levels

in Iraq, Mr. Bulpuppit indicated, those positive

numbers are likely to go even higher.

 

" If we can get troop strength up to 160,000, or even

as high as 180,000, then we could see something on the

order or 130-140,000 not yet killed or wounded, at

least for a while, " Mr. Bulpuppit said. " Now that’s a

pleasing development in anyone’s book. "

 

When the population of the entire world is considered,

the Rumsfeld release explained, over 6.5 billion

people have not yet been killed or wounded in Iraq.

Similarly, the estimated 30,000 American soldiers

killed or wounded in the troubled country represent

only about one one-hundredth of one percent of the

total U.S. population.

 

" I mean, come on, " Mr. Bulpuppit said. " Those are such

tiny numbers you can barely even see them. Mr.

Rumsfeld and I hope this little dose of perspective

will help make people sit back and consider for a

minute whether there's really any real need for all

this fuss. "