life? Long last post

December 1, 2004

Marion, While your post is quite helpful let me please clarify some

things under each part so as to give you a Correct picture of who I am

and what our family is about...

I am 30 years old - my oldest son of 12 lives 2 hrs from here with his

dads parents. My second child who is 11 was given up for open adoption -

both are long stories and i was young when I had them - given the chance

to restart my life , they would both be here with me now.

I met my husband 8 years ago , 7 yrs ago we had a little girl (my 3rd

child) and then 9 months ago we had a boy (my 4th child).

When I was 19 and pregnant with my second child I was hospitalized for

having a nervous breakdown. (Mind you I grew up in a divorced family.

father xmarine - very controlling and physically abusive.. ie hanging us

on the wall by the back of our shirt and beating us with his belt amongs

other things all of which started at my ripe old age of 6months. - I

have one sister) Mother - alcoholic - family drug use didnt see from the

age of 5 till 8th grade. where then we started moving back and forth

between parents. ETC etc. etc.. wont go into detail.. )

Anyway again after my daughter was born (she was about 2 or 3) I was

hospitalized for nervous breakdown this time only for 2days...

I am a recoving drug addict. clean for 7 and half years now.

I have been working on childhood issues ie so called PTSD depression

anxiety etc etc. for about 9 years now.. this is my 2nd year with no

counseling and my almost 2nd year on no medication A huge stepping stone.

I believe i prolly cause alot of my merry go round as I am the first in

my family to " Break the Cycle " of addiction and abuse. etc etc. so I

sometimesl feel like its my fault when my daughter says she doesnt get

enough attention etc... because I never got it as a child.. how much is

a good limit i tell myself.. how much time should I actually get to do

things I want too.

Anyway thats where alot of my stress comes from is me BEATING on

myself.. cause I no longer have my parents to do it. You get used to it

for so long.

as far as feeling like I am gonna have a nervous breakdown.. you are

probably right but I know what to do when I am feeling that way now so

as not to end up in the hospital a third time.

As far as a relative taking care of the child or someone coming in to my

home to help .. thats just out of the question.. Not all mothers have

that to there disposal.

Our babyis 9months old actually! We have coslept since birth and I have

used a pouch sling since i learned of them when he was 3 months on -

still use it ) I have a wrap as well. http:www.kangarookorner.com is

were i bought mine. She does very high quality work)

Our 7yr old is a High Spirited child (used to be called

http://www.nurturingourfamilies.com/spirited/exptdefn.html is a good

site to get an idea of their personalities - they are the " drama queens "

of life!!!

I think her alone could drain an army of its energy . I have read

Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More

Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic.. and use what i

learned the best I can each day!

I think i beat myself up alot thinking i must have done something while

i was trying o work through my own issues when she was liitler that

caused her to be this way!

Back to our baby Derek - he was the 4th coliky baby 3 of which i had to

cope with and 3 toooo many lol. Please GOD no colicky grandkids in the

future!!!!

Baby Derek is feeling my distress signals and as soon as I realize it I

try to change it to a giggle contest or I appologize and give hi lots of

living - he lives on my lap) most of the time except when hes exploring

or i can sneak lay him down for a bit when he doses off.

All I know is I am doing the best I can and I am glad I have all of u to

listen and to share your life with me - I learn from others)

I had to lay him down many times when he was coliky and walk away for 5

mons but i am STERNLY against CIO and leaving him alone now.

Your chore ideas are wonderfully usefull Thank you! I never iron ))

My daughtr has a chore chart and a pet chart and in the bathroom a

proper hygeine chart - as well as a good behavior chart I got them from

http://www.chartjungle.com/ and we have a

Chores Checklist & Allowance Contract that I tally up the points for the

chores personal hygene and good behavior each Friday and she earns

allowance that way!

The contract and a few other charts i got from

http://printablechecklists.com/

Don't shout & scream at them>> you are correct and it is a hard thing

not to do - sometimes it slips and I sit the kids down appologize and

try to get it done in a calm matter.

DO have some time for yourself and not feel guilty...>> this one I have

trouble with as I always feel guilty when I sit to relax - therefore

cant relx and run my body ragged till i exploid and who gets it -- your

right my husband!! or my kids!

We have the same bed time routine MOST nights! ie.. 7:00 daughter does

her 1 worksheet for school ! Then she reads her bookit book to me or I

to her ! 8:00pm - daddys home we all greet and spend a few minutes with

him while i wearm up his dinner ! 8:30 up to brush teeth - earlier if

its bath night ! 8:45 tuck in bed kiss night she gets to watch her tv

till 9:00 lights out at9!!! no ifs and or buts - meanwhile at 8:45 wnen

she is tucked in i get baby derek diaper changed and into bed with me -

about 20 mins of nursing singing lullabies and rubbing his back hes out

(for a bit cause an hr later he does that cluster feed thing) if i dont

doze off I cone out to have a few moments with my husband or sneak in

his bed for some quick cuddles in the niddle of the night!

I hate mom and baby clubs - there is ALWAYS from my exp at least one

mother there who acts like she has it all - all the nice new clothes for

her and baby all the nice baby stuff she does everything " right " it

pisses me off - as far as walks we do alot of those from march to sept

then not so much during the winter months a;though i should!

We dont attend church - i was raised in strict christian family with my

father and behind the scenes he was abusive same with my stepmom who was

a bible study and sunday school teacher!--- church makes me

uncomfortable and reminds me too much of my childhood! all those people

living lies behind the scenes of a oh i am a christian attitude!

I chose to teach my chikdren about Jesus at home!

I am a high self help person ! I had to teach myself how to love myself

- how to accept love from others! How to SLOW down and SEE the present

moment! and many many things - Survivors do!!

Hugs and much love and thanks again to all who posted to help me not be

so darn hard on myself

Deana

> >>Hi Deana

Below I have made comments and suggestions to help you to cope; I do

hope that they will be helpful to you. It is a sort of DO’S and DON'TS

list but I hope that you will try to ‘listen’ to what I am trying to say

to you as it important for your LIFE and your relationships between you

and EVERY member of your family.........................

I do hope that this will help you, by all means write to me privately if

you wish.

Kindest regards

Marion

December 2, 2004

Hi Deana

Thank you for sharing your past with me. NONE of what I was writing about was a reflection on who YOU ARE but a means by which I hoped to help you.

My heart goes out to you because I DO know what it means to have a member of the family who is abusive and he is a minister of the church. I know about the guilt and the pain that goes with it and the questions of 'if I only try a bit longer, harder etc. I too feel that pain as in April last year I had to say NO MORE and I face losing my home because of his actions. Thankfully my sons and stepsons are men and have left home so it only me directly involved.

If you wish to write to me privately at any time, then please be free to do so.

I do pray that you and your family will come through the trauma that you are facing and that you will all grow closer together.

Every blessing