OT: Suthran Jokes Whut Yankees Like To Tell

[Guest guest]

Hi y'all,

 

We Suthran folks can laugh at ourselves cause we like the way we are ..

and we're downright prouder'n a speckled pup that other Suthran folks

know that.

 

We know Yankees sometimes try to look down on us cause they think we are

backward .. but the truth is we're not at all backward .. we're just

real comfortable with who and what we are .. and proud of our

traditions and our history.

 

And we're hospitable as all gitout too .. Yankees come down and we do

our darnest to make'em feel like homefolks .. and most uv'em stay cause

they like the way we are .. helpful and all.

 

In Arkansas, typical directions would be like this (to a stranger

passing through looking for the Jones Mercantile):

 

" Go down whut useta be old Perkins road to the corner whar Uncle Bill's

old red barn wuz afore it burned down. Turn like you wuz agoin' over to

Aunt Millie's and the place yore looking fer is bouta mile and a half

afore you get to the gully warsh. "

 

Then later, after the stranger has gone on his way: " Don't know whut

that feller wants to go there fer, they done been outta business now on

to 6 yars. "

 

Or .. if'n the one asking directions is not polite ..

 

You can't git thar fum here!

 

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Kentucky:

 

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying a

discounted invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some

mathematical help.

 

He called her into his office and said, " You graduated from University

of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus

14%, how much would you take off? "

 

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, " Everything but my earrings. "

 

==================================

Georgia:

 

A group of friends from Georgia went deer hunting and paired off in twos

for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering

under the weight of a twelve point buck.

 

Where's Henry? " the others asked. " Henry had a stroke of some kind.

He's a couple of miles back up the trail, " the successful hunter replied.

 

" You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back? " they

inquired.

 

" A tough call, " nodded the hunter. " But I figured no one is going to

steal Henry!

 

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West Virginia:

 

A senior at West Virginia University was overheard saying, " When the end

of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia. Everything happens

here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world. "

 

===================================================

 

Mississippi:

 

The young Redneck came running into the store and said to his buddy,

" Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot! "

 

Bubba replied, " Did you see who it was? " The young Redneck answered,

" I couldn't tell, but I got the license number. "

 

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Arkansas:

 

NEWS FLASH! - Podunk, Arkansas ----- The worst air disaster in the

history of Arkansas occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane,

piloted by two Arkansas University students, crashed into a cemetery

earlier today in Podunk.

 

Mountaineer search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so

far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the

evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery

efforts.

 

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Alabammer:

 

An Alabammer trooper pulled over a pickup for speeding. The trooper

asked, " Got any ID? "

 

The driver replied, " Bout whut?

 

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Mississippi:

 

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward

each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, " Hey

Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' poke? "

 

" Jus' some chickens. "

 

" If I guesses how many they are, can I have one? "

 

" Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them. "

 

" OK. Ummmmm . . . five? "

 

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Arkansas:

 

A boy from Arkansas came home and found his house on fire. He rushed

next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, " Hurry over here.

My house is on fire! "

 

" OK, " replied the fireman, " how do we get there? "

 

" Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks? "

 

=================================================================

Louisanner .. Them kuntry boys ain't dumb ..

 

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by

an old farmer. The farmer's prize bull was missing from the section

through which the railroad passed. The farmer only wanted to be

paid the fair value of the bull.

 

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in

the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the

railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to

settle out of court.

 

He did his best selling job, and finally the farmer agreed to take

half of what he was asking.

 

After the farmer had signed the release and took the check, the young

lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the

farmer, " You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over

on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep

and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your

ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I

bluffed you! "

 

The old farmer replied, " Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a

little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned

bull came home this morning. "

 

===============================================================

But sometimes they run into situations they can't explain away.

 

A Mississippi farmer is sitting in the local bar getting soused. A man

comes in and asks the farmer, " Hey, why are you sitting here on this

beautiful day getting drunk? "

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

 

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got

the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

 

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So what happened then?

 

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

 

Man: And then?

 

Farmer: Well, I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the

bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

 

Man: So, what did you do then?

 

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the

right.

 

Man: And then?

 

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I

got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with

her tail.

 

Man: Hmmm...

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So, what did you do?

 

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and

tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my

wife walked in .....

 

Some things you just can't explain.

 

===============================================================

But sometimes Texans are a bit naive. Most of their exposure to

society is in beer joints.

 

Beer joints are special places down home. In the old days, there were

all kinds of beer joints. They had the honky-tonk beer joints where Bob

Wills and his Texas Playboys played the San Antonio Rose and the New

Spanish Two-Step. They had roomy beer joints around the outskirts of

town where cowboys came in from the ranches to drink a few beers and

dance to juke-box music. They had neighborhood beer joints where friends

and neighbors met to swap lies and just generally enjoy each other's

company.

 

This tale is from a young feller in Texas.

 

When I turned 21, I headed into town to try out one of those Austin

beer joints. I didn't know nuttin' about big city life. I only knew

about life on the ranch.

 

I was dressed in my Sunday-Go-To-Meeting clothes which consisted of

fairly new blue jeans with no patches, clean and polished boots, a

western cut shirt with flowers and snap buttons on it, and a wide brim

cowboy hat.

 

I didn't wear my chaps, spurs, and six shooter into town.

 

I sat down at the bar and got me a cold beer. After while, a very

pretty young lady took another seat at the bar. After a few moments,

the young lady broke the ice. She asked if I was a cowboy.

 

I told the young lady, " Wa'll ma'am, I herd cows, I bust cantankerous

broncos, I ride fence lines and mend fences - yep, I reckon I'm a

cowboy. What are you? "

 

" I'm a lesbian " that thar purty lil' ol' gal replied.

 

I said, " Excuse my ignorance ma'am, I don't know what a lesbian is. "

 

That sweet looking little cutie pie looked deep in thought for a few

moments before speaking.

 

She said, " Well, when I wake up in the morning, I think about women.

When I am going through my daily routine, I think about women. When I

go to bed at night, I think about women. "

 

The gal finished her beer and left as soon as she finished speaking.

 

Later, a young couple came into the beer joint. After a while, the wife

asked me if I was a cowboy.

 

I told her, " Ma'am, I used to think I was a cowboy. But a little while

ago, I learned I'm a lesbian. "

 

=================================================================

Some'a them gud ol' boys is well know around the world.

 

I knew a feller one time lived down West Tennessee way named Bubba and

Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole danged world - and they all knew him!!!

 

One time when Bubba got his'sef a new job, Bubba says to his new boss,

" Boss, I know everyone in the whole danged world! " But his boss don't

believe him, so he says, " No way do you know everyone in the whole dang

world, " but Bubba says, " Yes suh I sho'nuf do! " So Bubba's boss up and

says, " Well prove it! " So Bubba says " Pick sumbody...and I know'em! "

 

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then he says, " Tom Selleck! I

bet you don't know Tom Selleck! " Bubba says, " Tom Selleck! Ol' Tom and

me were in the Boy Scouts together when we wuz young'uns! " Bubba's boss

says " No you weren't! " Then Bubba says, " Yes we were! " So they fly out

to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the

door and Tom Selleck opens the door and Bubba goes " Tom, " and Tom goes

" Bubba, " and they hug and catch up on old times for about 30 minutes and

Bubba's boss just can't believe what he's seeing.

 

But then he says, " Well that could happen, it's just one person, " and

Bubba says, " OK, pick sumbody else! " This time Bubba's boss says, " The

President of the US of A, George Bush! You don't know President George

Bush! " But Bubba says, " Oh yes I do! George and me went to school

together in Texas! " Bubba's boss says, " No you didn't! " and Bubba

says, " We danged sure did! " So they fly to Washington and they catch

George Bush at a press conference. They work their way up through the

crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Bush's eye and waves and

says " Georgie, " and the President waves and says " Bubba, " and after that

press conference they hug and catch up on old times for about 30 minutes

and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it.

 

But then he thinks " Well that's just two people in one country - that

doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world! " so he tells Bubba

and Bubba says, " OK, pick anybody in the danged world and I know'em! "

 

Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says, " The Pope! You do not

know the Pope! " And Bubba says, " The Pope! The Pope Baptised me, " and

Bubba's boss says, " No he didn't, " and Bubba says, " He dang sure did! "

So they fly off to Rome where the Pope is getting ready to hold Mass in

front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through

the crowd, without much luck. So Bubba says, " Boss, we ain't never gonna

get there together through all these folks so I tell you what - I'll

ease my way on up yonder where he is and when I get there, I'll give you

a sign that shows you I know the Pope, " and he leaves.

 

Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about

ready to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right

there beside him is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.

Bubba comes back and finds his boss laying on the ground and he fans

him and says, " Boss! Boss! Wakeup! " And when his boss comes to, Bubba

asks, " Boss, what happened? "

 

Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says, " OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can

see George Bush ... I can even take the Pope! But when that feller

standing next to me asked, 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that was a

little more than I could take! "

 

======================================================================

Some'a them ol Louisanner swamp rats are smart fellers too ..

 

Unka Willard been fish'n down by de crick all de day and he done run

outa nightcrawlers. He be bout redeye to leave when he dun spied a

snake wit a toadie frog in hits mouth. He knowed that dem big bassfish

likes toadie frogs so he dun decided to steal that froggie. That snake,

hit be a cotton mouthed water moccasin so'd he have to be real kerful

like or he'd git bit.

 

He snuk up behind dat snake and grabbed him roun the haid. That ole

snake din lak hit one bit. He commenced to squirm'n an wrapped

hisself around unka Willard's arm try'n to get free, but Unk had a real

good grip on his haid.

 

Well Unka Willard pried hit's mouth open and got de frog and put's it

in his bait can.

 

Now Unka Willard knows that he cain't let go of de snake or hit's goin'

ta bite's him, but he had a plan.

 

He reached into the back pocket of'n his bib over-hauls and pulls out a

pint o' moonshine likker. He pours a couple of draps inta the snakes

mouth.

 

Well that snake's eyeballs roll back in hit's head and hit's body goes

limp.

 

Wit dat Unka Willard toss duh snake inta da crick then he goes back

tuh fish'n.

 

A while later Unka Willard dun feel sumptin tap'n on his barefoot toe.

Well he slowly look down and dare be dat water mocassin, and he gat two

toadie frogs in his mouth.....

 

================================================================

But them Texacan fellers sometimes takes too much fer granted ..

 

It was Saturday morning an Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag

the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup

of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his new wife, Alice, who is from

Philadelphia, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

 

Jake asks her, " Honey, what are you up to? Alice smiles - I'm going

hunting with you! Remember you promised to share all your experiences

with me. " Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly

decides to take her along.

 

Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in

the tree stand and tells her - If you see a deer, take careful aim on

it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.

 

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag

an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled

as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.

As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming - Get away

from my deer!

 

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he

hears her yell - get away from my deer! followed by another volley of

gunfire!

 

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see

a young cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously

distraught, says - okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!!!!

Just let me get my saddle off it!

 

=================================================================

Rednecks welcome all strangers but they don't like pushy folks ..

 

There was this ornery Federal Game Warden who was rubbing so many people

wrong in upstate New York that the government decided to transfer him

afore he wound up daid .. so they sent him to Tennessee.

 

A Redneck went hunting one day in Tennessee and bagged three ducks. He

put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when

he was confronted by the ornery game warden who especially didn't like

Hillbillies, Rednecks or Good Ol' Boys.

 

The game warden ordered to the Redneck to show his hunting license, and

the Redneck pulled out a valid Tennessee hunting license that had the

appropriate Federal Migratory Bird (Duck) stamp on it.

 

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up

one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, " This duck is not from

Tennessee. This is a Kentucky duck. Do you have a Kentucky hunting

license, boy? "

 

The Redneck reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting

license with duck stamp.

 

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second

duck, sniffed its butt, and said, " This is not no Kentucky duck. This

duck's from Arkansas. Do you have an Arkansas license? "

 

The Redneck reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting

license with duck stamp.

 

The warden reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt,

and said, " This is not an Arkansas duck. This duck's from Georgia.

Do you have a Georgia hunting license? "

 

Again the Redneck reached into his wallet and brought out a Georgia

hunting license with duck stamp.

 

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled

at the Redneck, " With all those hunting licenses just where the hell are

you from, boy? "

 

The Redneck turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, " You

the one claims to be the expert, so you tell me. "

[Guest guest]

Told y'all I was from the south. That was our road. Perkins being my Mom and

Pop's last name. *grin*

MAKE A HAPPY MEMORY EVERY DAY:

Evelyn

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Butch Owen<butchbsi

< >

Monday, March 22, 2004 3:55 PM

OT: Suthran Jokes Whut Yankees Like To Tell

 

" Go down whut useta be old Perkins road

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