Forgiveness and Restoration

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Forgiveness and Restoration by Andrei Yashurin

Our act of forgiveness does not mean that we encourage wrong-doers to continue their activities. As someone have said, “Forgive, but call the police”. We need to be ready to do all we can to stop those who hurt others. Certainly, it takes wisdom. We need to be careful, so that we won't make the situation more complicated for all the sides involved. However, it is important to remember that forgiveness does not give a license to do evil things to those whom we forgive. Especially it is true when we are personally affected.

If we are abused or mistreated, we are under no obligation to maintain the same level of relationships with the one who does it to us. We might break those relationships, or to keep emotional distance from an abuser. When we genuinely love ourselves, we don't let dysfunctional relationships to drain our emotional energy.

Here is a painful truth: many people are abused simply because they allow themselves to be abused. Perhaps, in their ignorance they consider abuse to be a “punishment” for their imaginary “crime”. But these underlying feelings have nothing to do with the reality of the situation. Nobody should suffer from mistreatment, no matter what are supposed reasons for it.

It is a widely accepted fact that an abuser has deep-seated emotional problems which he does not admit. Instead of working with his own anger, resentment, and fear, he projects them unto others – and commits physical or emotional violence. An abused person suffers not only from physical pain, but from emotional turmoil, which also includes fear, resentment, and anger, and so forth. What will an act of forgiveness do to him? He will make an important step to getting rid of these emotional problems. As he will let go of negative feelings, he will become detached from a painful situation. It will give him freedom to channel his energies to more constructive actions. At the same time, he will take a more objective look at an abuser. He will clearly see that an abuser himself was a victim at some point of his life.

When we forgive another person, we might still think that he was wrong. We just release our personal negative emotions about him. We wish him well (in other words, we wish him to resolve his own inner conflicts). However, it is not our business to know when and how it will happen. From now on, we don't tie ourselves to that person or that situation.

Forgiveness does not involve restoration of relationships. Certainly, forgiveness can be a step to such restoration. But forgiveness is our individual step, while restoration requires mutual steps. First of all, an abuser should admit that he was wrong, and to change his mode of behavior. In many cases, those steps are never taken.

If we are serious about restoration of relationships with someone, a good and practical thing is to go to a professional counselor who can provide a necessary help. Two sides of a conflict may also find a mediator – a person whom they both respect, and who is not partial.

Finally, let us not remember that we forgive another not for the sake that person, but for the sake of ourselves. Even if that person won't change, forgiveness will benefit us and open for us a new life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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