Humor: Late Night Jokes

[Guest guest]

ROFLMAO! Thanks for the funnies Butch, were pretty funny!

 

Cheers!

Kathleen Petrides

The Woobey Queen

The Warming Touch, Therapeutic Pillows

http://www.woobeyworld.com

 

 

> [Original Message]

> Butch Owen <butchbsi

>

> 12/11/2004 2:02:41 PM

> Humor: Late Night Jokes

>

>

> Leno

>

[Guest guest]

Leno

 

# I guess the jury is now in deliberations for the Scott Peterson trial

and people say that Scott Peterson jury has a tough choice ahead of it –

regular or extra crispy.

 

# As you know, steroids have become a huge problem in professional

sports. Like look at the Lakers. Apparently they aren't taking enough of

them.

 

# Now the baseball players union and the league have outlined a new drug

testing program. It’s totally new. This time they'll actually test for

drugs.

 

# Today the supreme court of Canada ruled in favor of gay marriage. To

which President Bush said, " I got out of there just in time.”

 

# Yesterday, Senator Joe Biden announced that he will decide whether

he’s going to run for president in 2008 in about 2 years. What kind of

announcement is this? He holds a press conference to basically say he

made an announcement that he had no announcement. He just wanted to

announce that he had nothing to announce for 2 years.

 

# A Japanese telecommunications company is working on technology that

will add smells to the internet. That's just what you want when you're

downloading porn….

 

# More problems for Michael Jackson. Today his inner child filed a

restraining order against him.

 

# The " National Enquirer” says the police found Michael Jackson’s stash

of porn in a briefcase at the Neverland Ranch. See, that just shows you

how truly strange Michael Jackson is – what guy hides his porno in a

briefcase. You hide it in your sock drawer like any good American.

 

# " Indiana Jones 4” is going to happen. Sixty-two year old Harrison Ford

is returning to the starring role. Sixty-two? I think the new one’s

called " Indiana Jones: The Quest for Fiber”.

 

# " Indiana Jones”? Sounds more like " Barnaby Jones” doesn’t it?

 

# In fact, I understand there’s a big chase scene on a Rascal scooter.

 

# Anybody watch the Barbara Walters special last night, " Ten Most

Fascinating People”? In her interview last night with Barbara Walters,

Paris Hilton said that she reads books. Well that’s pretty amazing for a

23 year old, huh? I understand she reads at a 24 year old level.

 

# Only in California are people impressed that a 23 year old would read

a book.

 

# Paris Hilton also said that her sex video scandal was very painful.

But then the soreness went away after a couple of days.

 

# You all getting ready for the holidays? You know, I saw something

today and this is something you can take the entire family to this

Christmas season: an exhibit of thousands of items handmade by children

in China. OK, it’s Wal-Mart, but you get the idea ... beautiful items.

 

# Experts say steroid use can result in something called " steroid rage, "

which is very dangerous. It can cause baseball players to act like

basketball players.

 

# The Scott Peterson penalty phrase is wrapping up. Testimony ended

today. The jury is expected to start deliberating tomorrow. With luck,

by Christmas he’ll be roasting over an open fire with Jack Frost nipping

at his nose.

 

# According to a recent survey, almost 25 percent of people get a

broadband Internet connection so they can download porn faster. The

other 75 percent get it so they can steal music faster.

 

# In her interview with Barbara [Walters], Paris Hilton says when her

sex video came out she was embarrassed for all her fans. Her fans? What

fans? I hadn’t even heard of her until the sex tape came out. That’s

when I became a fan, right there.

 

Letterman

 

# I need to ask you something. I’ve been thinking about it all day long.

Do you think it’s too soon to hit on Mrs. Arafat?

 

# This weekend New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey is stepping down. He

wants to spend more of his free time embarrassing his family.

 

Leno

 

# How many of you are going Christmas tree shopping this weekend? Seems

to be the weekend. Picking out a Christmas tree is a lot like getting

married to a trophy wife in Beverly Hills. You bring her home, put a lot

of fancy jewels on her, then after a couple of weeks you kick her to the

curb. " So long, see you later. "

 

# I’ve been looking around at some of the stores. I was at Circuit City

today. I saw something amazing, these high-definition TVs. Have you seen

these things? They’re unbelievable! When you can watch a baseball game

and you can see the needle marks on the players’ forearms.

 

# It’s not just baseball - the Miami Dolphins are using steroids – what

have they won, two games this year? Imagine how bad they would be

without them.

 

# You can tell it’s the holidays. Authorities raided the Neverland Ranch

today and found Michael Jackson in bed with the little drummer boy.

 

# Authorities have tested Michael Jackson’s DNA and made an astonishing

discovery ... they now think Michael Jackson may be a black man in his 40s.

 

# Here’s something I mentioned last night - the secretary of Health and

Human services, Tommy Thompson, has resigned from President Bush’s

Cabinet. And in his resignation speech he said, " I can’t understand why

terrorists have not attacked our food supply, because it’s so easy to

do.” He also said that the rear kitchen door to the white house is

always left open, and that the guard in the Statue of Liberty falls

asleep every night about 3 a.m. and President Bush likes to sleep with

the window open.

 

# President Bush was here in California today, addressing the troops at

Camp Pendleton. While he was here, Bush took a moment to thank all the

people in California who voted for him. And that’s all it a took really

– a moment. A guy named Larry, a couple guys named Bill.

 

# President Bush was adamant today that elections in Iraq will take

place on schedule on January 30. He said if we postpone it, then you get

into a conflict with the Oscars, the Golden Globes and the People’s

Choice Awards.

 

# After an attack on an American consulate, Saudi Arabia has renewed its

vow to fight terrorism in all its aspects. And they’re serious - this

time they may even stop funding it.

 

# The Robert Blake murder trial has been delayed until December 20 ...

no word yet on what year!

 

# The real reason the trial is being delayed is because a burglar broke

into the apartment of Robert Blake’s lawyer and stole a computer

containing valuable information about the case. You know, like the fact

that he did it.

 

Letterman

 

# The marathon was yesterday. It’s all finished. All the runners are in

– and it turned out the Republicans won.

 

# President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those

in the blue states will pay.

 

# The president has a new puppy in the White House. The Senate expects

rapid confirmation.

 

# The new White House dog is named Miss Beasley. Miss Beasley will

replace Barney, who will now go out into the private sector.

 

# Actually, they were worried about the new dog for a minute today. They

were afraid a stain on the carpet in the Oval Office was from Miss

Beasley. But turns out it was left from the Clinton administration.

 

Leno

 

# I’m sure you heard about this - on Friday, authorities in Santa

Barbara searched Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch looking for new DNA

evidence on Michael’s bed. I don’t want to say it looks bad for Michael,

but from what they gathered, they were able to clone three little boys.

That is not good.

 

# In fact, you know what Michael Jackson said when he saw the sheriff’s

deputies pull up? " Remember, if anyone knocks on the door, you’re all

elves.”

 

# Did you hear about that woman in Tampa? The 24-year-old former reading

teacher Debra Lafave is on trial for having sex with a 14-year-old male

student. The boy is said to be illiterate but very happy.

 

# Can you imagine that? Fourteen years old having sex with the teacher.

When I was a 14-year-old student, I was afraid to raise my hand.

 

# According to the Centers for Disease Control, about 44 percent of

Americans are taking some kind of drug. And the other 56 percent don’t

play Major League Baseball.

 

# A couple in Callaway, Florida, called the police this weekend to

report the theft of a quarter-pound of marijuana. Their apartment has

been broken into, the marijuana was gone, so they called the police. If

you’re so stupid that you’re going to call the police to report somebody

stole your marijuana, chances are it wasn’t stolen; you smoked it!

 

Letterman

 

# President Bush has decided not to bury nuclear waste in Nevada. He’s

now looking for a new site in a blue state.

 

# Colin Powell has resigned. Condoleezza Rice is going to replace him.

Then in 2009 she will replace Jay Leno.

 

# Everyone in the White House is resigning. The Bush daughters have now

been replaced by the Hilton sisters.

 

Leno

 

# Welcome to beautiful sunny California. Man, it’s been cold in L.A.

It’s so cold, Scott Peterson was looking forward to going to hell.

 

# As you know, they started the penalty phase of the Scott Peterson

trial. Scott’s lawyer, Mark Geragos, described Scott as a smiling, happy

athlete who loved to play golf. Which is ironic — that’s exactly how

they used to describe O.J.

 

# Scott Peterson’s lawyer said in court today that Scott’s life is worth

saving. I agree, at least until we can find a match for his organs.

 

# Scott Peterson’s golf buddy testified on his behalf yesterday. They

wanted to have his fishing buddy testify, but they couldn’t find him.

 

Letterman

 

# Every year I do this during the holidays. This is the day I go into

Central Park and chop down my Christmas tree.

 

# Does it seem that everyone is in the holiday spirit? It’s amazing. I

was taking a walk during my lunch break in Central Park and saw a

squirrel putting tinsel on its nuts.

 

# The other day was the 72nd annual lightning of Rockefeller Center

Christmas tree. It’s a beautiful tree. They expect about a half million

people per day to trip over the electrical cord.

 

# They lit the tree and then out fell 75 electrocuted rats

 

# On Wednesday Tom Brokaw retired after 21 years at NBC. He left NBC

because they wouldn’t give him the " Tonight Show. "

 

# A holiday classic was on CBS tonight: " Frosty The Snowman. " We all

know Frosty. He has snow-white face, the button eyes and a carrot nose

.... wait, that’s Michael Jackson.