Guest guest Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 Hi y'all, We Suthran folks can laugh at ourselves cause we like the way we are .. and we're downright prouder'n a speckled pup that other Suthran folks know that. We know some Yankees like to look down on us cause they think we are backward .. but the truth is we're not at all backward .. we're just real comfortable with who and what we are .. and proud of our traditions and our history. And we're hospitable as all gitout too .. Yankees come down and we do our darnest to make'em feel like homefolk .. and most uv'em stay cause they like how we are. These here make me feel homesick. :-) Butch In Arkansas, typical directions would be like this (to a stranger passing through looking for the Jones Mercantile): " Go on down whut usta be old Perkins Road to the corner where Uncle Bill's old red barn wuz afore it burnt down. Turn like you wuz goin' over to Aunt Millie's and the place you be looking fer is bout a mile and a haf a fore you get to the gully warsh. " Then later, after the stranger has proceeded on his way: " Don't know whut that that feller wants to go there fer, they done been outta business neigh on 6 yars. " Or .. if'n the one asking directions is not polite .. You can't git thar fum here! A REDNECK LOVE POEM: Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue, and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin' in the breeze -- Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the Bass which excites me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway. Yore as satisfy'n as okrie a-fry'n in the pan. And fragrant as snuff right out of the can. You got some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're ina crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I done to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yore there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix whut you can. Yore strong as a four-wheeler racin' thru the mud, yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd. Yore as cute as a Junebug a-buzzin' overhead; you ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life morn'n a fresh load'a dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete. Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old like a '57 Chevy, I won'y put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank. We goes together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day. They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day - from the cooler at Kroger. " That's impressive, " I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. " Diamonds are forever, " they say, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these jest ain't gonna do. Cause yore too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds: IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!! THE ARKANSAS READIN' TEST: M R Ducks M R Knot S A R C M Wangs L I B M R Ducks Here's another one: M R Snakes M R Knot S A R C M EDBD Eyes L I B M R Snakes A TEXAS BEER JOINT: Beer joints are special places down home .. and that holds true for Texas too. In the old days, there were all kinds of beer joints. They had the honky-tonk beer joints where Bob Wills and his Texas Playboys played the San Antonio Rose and the New Spanish Two-Step. They had roomy beer joints around the outskirts of town where cowboys came in from the ranches to drink a few beers and dance to juke-box music. They had neighborhood beer joints where friends and neighbors met to swap lies and just generally enjoy each other's company. When I turned 21, I headed into town to try out one of those Austin beer joints. I didn't know nuttin' about big city life. I only knew about life on the ranch. I was dressed in my Sunday-Go-To-Meeting clothes which consisted of fairly new blue jeans with no patches, clean and polished boots, a western-cut shirt with flowers and snap-buttons on it, and a wide-brim cowboy hat. I didn't wear my chaps, spurs, and six-shooter into town. I sat down at the bar and got me a cold beer. After while, a very pretty young lady took another seat at the bar. After a few moments, the young lady broke the ice. She asked if I was a cowboy. I told the young lady, " Wa'll ma'am, I herd cows, I bust cantankerous broncos, I ride fence lines and mend fences - yep, I reckon I'm a cowboy. What are you? " " I'm a lesbian " that thar purty lil' ol' gal replied. I said, " Excuse my ignorance ma'am, but I don't know what a lesbian is. " That sweet looking little cutie pie looked deep in thought for a few moments before speaking. When she spoke, she said, " Well, when I wake up in the morning, I think about women. When I am going through my daily routine, I think about women. When I go to bed at night, I think about women. " The gal finished her beer and left as soon as she finished speaking. Later, a young couple came into the beer joint. After a while, the wife asked me if I was a cowboy. I told her, " Ma'am, I used to think I was a cowboy. But a little while ago, I learned that I'm a lesbian. " SUTHRAN EXCLAMANATIONS ..... 1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. 2. Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth! 3. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch. 4. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. 5. Have a cuppa coffee, it's already been " saucered and blowed " . 6. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm. 7. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs. 8. He's as country as cornflakes. 9. This is gooder'n grits. 10. She's busier'n a cat covering crap on a marble floor. 11. He's uglier than homemade soap. 12. She's uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits. Y'ALLBONICS The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars running through the Washington pipe line by designating Southern slang, or Y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary: HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage " Heidi, Hire yew? " BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive " to borrow. " Usage " My brother bard my pickup truck. " JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage " My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck. " BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Mungumry. Usage " A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements. " MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage " My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts. " THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage " Ah thank ah'll have a drank. " BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage " Ah thank ah'll have a bare. " IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See " Arkansas Native. " Usage " Them Bammer boys sure is ignert! " RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage " I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago. " ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage " I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck. " FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage " If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far. " TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage " Garsh, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck. " TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage " Lord Willin' and the creek don't rise, I sho'nuf hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris some day. " RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage " My grampaw retard at age 65. " FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage " You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'all. " RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage " We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats. " CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage " Just set that bare rat cheer. " FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage " I cudding unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn kuntry. " DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage " He's did, Jim. " ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage " He cain't breathe...give'em some ARE! " BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage " Boy, stay away fum that bob war fence. " JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage " Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cumpny? " HAZE - a contraction. Usage " Is Bubba smart? " " Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf. " SEED - (verb) - past tense of " to see " . VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage " I ain't never seed New York City .. view? " THIS AND THAT: Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? A: A good ol' boy raises livestock. A redneck gets emotionally involved. Q: What's the most popular pick-up line in Mississippi? A: Nice tooth! Q: How do you tell your staying in a Alabama hotel? A: When you call the front desk and say " I've gotta leak in my sink " and the person at the front desk says " go ahead. " Q: What do they call reruns of " Hee Haw " in Mississippi? A: A documentary. Q: How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic. Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer. Q: Where was the toothbrush invented? A: Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, " Got any ID? " The driver says, " Bout what? " Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, " Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag? " " Jus' some chickens. " " If I guesses how many they are, can I have one? " " Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them. " " OK. Ummmmm . . . five? " A boy from Arkansas came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, " Hurry over here. My house is on fire! " " OK, " replied the fireman, " how do we get there? " " Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks? " BUT KUNTRY BOYS AIN'T STUPID: A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old Texas rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, " You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you! " The old rancher replied, " Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning. " BUT SOMETIMES THEY RUN INTO SITUATIONS THEY CAN'T EXPLAIN AWAY: A Mississippi farmer is sitting in the local bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, " Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? " Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with hertail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ..... Some things you just can't explain. 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Guest guest Posted February 5, 2006 Report Share Posted February 5, 2006 Butch, you made my night! I haven't laughed this hard in a long, long time. This is a group that I am going to feel so comfortable in. Thanks for sharing. Sue D. Butch Owen <butchbsi wrote: Hi y'all, We Suthran folks can laugh at ourselves cause we like the way we are .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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