Humor: Small Towns

February 4, 2006

I grew up in Amsterdam.

But my kids will howl at this, because most of

it we can so totally relate to.

Except make that a logging truck, no grain

around here.

Here is how I got the tow truck to the place

where my adorable Subaru Chaser was in the ditch

on its maiden voyage.

" Hi Jim, I am at the bottom of Bartley Road,

in Crescent Bay. (road very recently named.

Used to be a trail through the woods)

" Bartley Road??? "

" You know, in front of the place where Peter R.

had his tree farm before he sold it to the people

who live there now. He called it Happy Hectares. "

" ----------- " . (baffled silence)

" You know, Andy Gander's old place " . Going back

about twenty five years now to a long-deceased

owner.

" OH, Andy GANDER's! See you in five minutes. "

That was a while ago, when we had SNOW.

Ah, les neiges d'antan!

Ien in the Kootenays, globally warmed

*******************************

February 4, 2006

Those of us who grew up in or now live in a small town will laugh when

we read this. Those of you who didn't will be in disbelief ... but

trust me, many of these are true.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

2) You know what 4-H is.

3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle

of a dirt road.

4) You used to " drag " main street.

5) You said the " F " word and your parents knew within the hour.

6) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

7) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

8) You don't give directions by street names or by references. Turn by

Nelson's house, go 2 blocks east to Anderson's, and it's four houses

left of the ball diamond.

9) If you had a golf course it had only 9 holes.

10) You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

11) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never

owned a dark vehicle for this reason.

12) The town next to you is considered " trashy " or " snooty " , but is

actually just like your town.

13) You refer to anyone with a house newer then 1980 as " rich people. "

14) The people in the " big city " dress funny then you pick up the trend

two years later.

15) Anyone you want can be found at the local gas station, post office

or the town pub.

16) You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town

or one of your friends drives a grain truck to school occasionally.

17) The gym teacher suggests you haul hay for the summer to get

stronger.

18) Directions are given using THE stop light as a reference.

19) You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over

and ask you if you want a ride somewhere.

20) Your teachers call you by your older sibling's names.

21) Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

22) You can charge at all the local stores or write checks without ID.

23) The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away (or more).

24) The closest mall is over an hour away.

25) It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a lawn mower.

26) You've peed in a cornfield.

27) Most people go by a nickname.

28) You laugh your butt off reading this because you know it is true.

February 4, 2006

In a message dated 2/3/2006 1:38:52 PM Pacific Standard Time,

butchbsi writes:

Lol, Butch: I grew up in a small town Iin Alabama, and all this is true.

Thank you. <Laughing> Kaye

> Those of us who grew up in or now live in a small town will laugh when

> we read this. Those of you who didn't will be in disbelief ... but

> trust me, many of these are true.

>

February 4, 2006

My brother wrote:

MOST OF IT IS FOR BOTH SNYDER AND/OR FLUVANNA. - FLUVANNA DOESN'T EVEN HAVE

1 -9 HOLE GOLF COURSE. SNYDER HAS TWO HOWEVER.

BUZZARD

He lives in Fluvanna TX and Snyder is the closest town with a store.

In a message dated 2/4/2006 8:52:26 AM Pacific Standard Time,

Kayee9 writes:

> Those of us who grew up in or now live in a small town will laugh when

> we read this. Those of you who didn't will be in disbelief ... but

> trust me, many of these are true.

>

February 4, 2006

My mom was 1 of 12 kids (I am 1 of 48 grand kids) in a small town. In high

school, my best friend was also from this small town. She used to tell everyone

that I was related to half of the town and knew the rest on sight - she was

right. I graduated in 1974 and this town is much larger than it was in the '60's

and '70's but if I'm in that town for about an hour or more, at least 1 or 2

people will come up to me ask if my name is VanStone or Dudek. My maiden name is

VanStone and my mom is one of the Dudek's.

Paula .......... in Michigan

I used to have super powers but my therapist took them away

I grew up in Amsterdam.

But my kids will howl at this, because most of

it we can so totally relate to.

Except make that a logging truck, no grain

around here.

Here is how I got the tow truck to the place

where my adorable Subaru Chaser was in the ditch

on its maiden voyage.

" Hi Jim, I am at the bottom of Bartley Road,

in Crescent Bay. (road very recently named.

Used to be a trail through the woods)

" Bartley Road??? "

" You know, in front of the place where Peter R.

had his tree farm before he sold it to the people

who live there now. He called it Happy Hectares. "

" ----------- " . (baffled silence)

" You know, Andy Gander's old place " . Going back

about twenty five years now to a long-deceased

owner.

" OH, Andy GANDER's! See you in five minutes. "

That was a while ago, when we had SNOW.

Ah, les neiges d'antan!

Ien in the Kootenays, globally warmed

*******************************

February 5, 2006

In 1960 10 my family moved from a small town in New Mexico to the metropolis

of San Diego. I was ten. But I remember a lot of what you posted. Got my

next taste of small-town life when I visited cousins in upstate New York in

the amazing summer of 1968. (That was my “Hippy of Mayberry” summer). I

became a city boy for 40 years, one with a nostalgia for simpler ways.

Growing up in the 1950s, I remember oil lamps, outhouses, home canning,

house calls from the family doctor, all kinds of home remedies, Hudson

Hornets, silver pesos and dollars, and on and on. Don’t remember homemade

soap, but my wife does. Instead, I remember varnished purses made out of

dead armadillos with zippers up their bellies.

We lived next door to the Chief of Police, a fat old man who fell asleep in

his baby-blue brocade chair every evening in front of a big ole box of a

television with a little round screen. They kept a cow in their back yard.

No one had air conditioning, and I remember the whole street being out in

their front yards on a hot summer night, eating watermelon and drinking

sweet tea. Maybe someone would haul out the old hand-cranked ice cream

maker and a bag of salt. We kids would run around playing cowboys and

Indians or just stare up at the Milky Way. A few old men would be drinking

Hamm’s beer, sitting in peeling green steel chairs on their front porches,

and we kids would always see if one of them would let us have a sip.

We went to First Presbyterian Church. The place probably seated about 400.

I still remember Homer Akins, the pastor, a little bald man with a big head

and rimless glasses, gimlet eyes, bony wrists, hairy ears and snazzy suits.

I knew he had a way of making all the grown-ups feel dirty and justified all

at the same time, and I thought he was full of baloney. One Sunday I

remember him climbing up to the properly Protestant pulpit and giving

everybody in the place that hairy eyeball of his. He raised his fist up and

shouted at the top of his lungs in his reedy tenor voice, “I. . .” They

didn’t have microphones in the place or big TV monitors so everyone could

read the words to the hymns and see the bar chart for the Building Fund, but

it was so quiet I remember hearing the cicadas outside, and hearing

somebody’s Packard backfire a block away.

“I. . .” He brought his fist down next to the Bible and made his water

glass jump, and said in a quiet voice, almost a whisper, “. . .am an UMBLE

man. . .”

I zoned out after that.

Dave

_____

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Version: 7.1.375 / Virus Database: 267.15.1/250 - Release 2/3/2006

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February 6, 2006

We lived in Looziana fer two yars, bxtween N'Awlins an BAtaun Rooge.

[ifin you don't understand that, Bless your Hearts, read the first

joke].When we first got there people were always talking about the Old

Gold Buillion Rd. Come to find out it was the road we lived on<G>!

Now, when we moved to Houston it took us awhile to decipher " Gulf

Freeway " (I 45 south), Dairy Queen Freeway (59 north), Eastex Freeway (

1-10) East, Katy Freeway ( I-10 West). North Freeway (I-45 North). Even

the news media uses those terms, so until you understand Houstoneeze,

it's hard to know where you are or want to go<G>! But I guess all areas

are like that.

Anita

A Southern Belle, who'se fixin ta go to work

February 6, 2006

I know a large part of the roads in this county like I know my kids but it

wasn't until I started driving school bus (for a pre-school - all the kids were

3, 4, & 5 yrs) that I learned the names of a lot of them !! Some of my cousins

gave their mom a surprise party for her 90th birthday a few years ago. Never

laughed so hard for so long !! My aunt would say " Come and meet the girls " -

some of her friends she has known since childhood. First of all, none of " the

girls " were younger than 80 And the still call each other by their maiden

names ! Typical directions from church to my friends house would be " When you

leave the church stop at the market (a tiny mom & pop store, smaller than most

garages - only 4 customers can fit inside at a time) then turn and go to

Murphy's farm (hasn't belonged to anyone in the Murphy family since the late

1950's-early '60's), turn there adn go to where that oak tree got hit by

lightening and burned (happened the summer of 1945 - 10 years before I was

born), follow the curve to the right and it's the first big house instead of

" Take Exeter Rd to Finzel, go right to Fay and they are now the first old house

on that part of the road. When a new driver started in the area, I told her that

unless she knows the area inside and out and the names of the bigger families in

the area, don't ask anyone you see for directions. You'll get so lost no one

will be able to find you. You don't speak " Carleton " (name of the tiny town) and

won't know where or who they are talking about. It totally amazed her when I'd

call out a last name, take a good look at the kid, maybe ask what Mommy or

Daddy's name was and say " Your house is by your Grandma's house ? (wait for the

child to nod yes) Ok, I know where to drop you off. " Most farm families were big

families and when the kids would marry, they would usually build their house on

a part of the family farm so there are stretches of road between a quarter mile

and a mile long with every house belonging to a family member. It also helped

that both my parents were raised in Carleton and many of my relatives still live

there and I went to high school with at least 1 of the parents or aunts & uncles

of the kids I had on my bus route. Many of the little ones look so much like one

of their parents, I would really amaze the little ones but looking at them and

telling them the name of one or both parents. When they asked how I know their

mom or dad's name, I told them I went to school with them or with their Aunt

Kathy or Uncle Jimmy or who-ever. If I was in the mood to really amaze theses

kids, I'd tell them their parents names, the names of all their aunts and

uncles, and their grand parents, sometimes, even the name of the dog their grand

parents have or used to have. It would boggle their little minds that the bus

driver knew everyone in their family !! LOL