Humor: Famous Quotes

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, " Lillian, you

should have remained a virgin. " - Lillian Carter (mother of President

Jimmy Carter)

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not

pleased to read the description in the catalog: " No good in a bed, but

fine against a wall. " - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I

have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that

statement. - Mark Twain

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good

ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor

Borge

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -

Mark Twain

 

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if

you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she

stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

 

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and

kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food

groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

 

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you

nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Ed Furgol

 

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant

form of misery. - Spike Milligan

 

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money . - Henny Youngman

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath

 

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. -

Herbert Henry Asquith

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for

my nap. - Bob Hope

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- WC. Fields

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way

through Congress. - Will Rogers

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will

avoid you. - Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts

to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

 

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown

 

By the time we are wise enough to watch our step, we are too old to go

anywhere. - Unknown