Humor: And Bouncing E-Mails

[Guest guest]

Hey y'all,

 

Was a time this list had occasional jokes submitted .. and good it was

cause them in the know understand that humor is good medicine .. in

fact, there is an institute in one of the Scandinavian countries that

is dedicated to researching this very subject .. had a reference on

that once but it went with all my other files in the latest PC crash.

 

In any case .. below are a few jokes that might make some folks smile.

 

Them that ain't into smiling oughta mebbe zap'em rat naw. ;-)

 

Oh yea .. some of you know that this weekend I have been catching up

on a lot of the routine replies I owed folks .. but what some of you

won't know is that some of you are bouncing mail .. so when I send a

second post telling you that my first reply to you bounced .. well ..

you don't get it. ;-)

 

Y'all keep smiling. :-) Butch http://www.AV-AT.com

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings, an accountant,

has shafted him for three million bucks. This underling happens to be

a deaf mute, so the Godfather brings along someone who knows sign

language to translate.

 

The Godfather asks the underling: " Where is the 3 million bucks you

embezzled from me? "

 

The interpreter, using sign language, asks the underling where the 3

million dollars is hidden.

 

The accountant signs back: " I don't know what you are talking about. "

The attorney tells the Godfather: " He says he doesn't know what you're

talking about. "

 

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the

underling's temple, cocks it and says: " Ask him again! "

 

The attorney signs to the underling: " He'll kill you for sure if you

don't tell him! "

 

The underling signs back: " OK! You win! The money is in a brown

briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in

Queens! "

 

The Godfather asks the interpreter: " Well... what'd he say? "

 

To which the interpreter replies: " He says you don't have the guts to

pull the trigger. "

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across

this salt encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to

remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy

started to buff it to remove the verdigris when " poof " a genie appeared.

 

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that

he granted the guy three wishes.

 

" I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy.

 

The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to

check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside

the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the

world.

 

" Guy, " the genie said, " You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill

Gates. What's your second wish. "

 

" Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on

board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile. "

 

" That's easy, Guy, " says the genie. He waves his hand and best car

anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the

guy for his third wish.

 

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--nah, with billions

and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet.

 

World peace, everybody wants that. The guy continued to find reasons

not to wish for anything that came to his mind.

 

" Genie, " the guy said, " I can't think of anything now. May I save the

third wish for later. "

 

" Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape

from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're

ready, " and the genie disappears into the lamp.

 

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it

in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to

balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get

his great audio system customized to his ears.

 

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific

Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche

handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along

with the radio.

 

" Oh, I wish I was an Oscar M......

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when

the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

 

" Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for? " he yells.

 

" That's for 60 years of bad sex. " she replies.

 

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife

across the shins.

 

" Ow!! " she yells. " What the hell was THAT for?? "

 

The husband looks at her and says, " That's for knowing the difference. "

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:

" That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. "

 

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an

aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

 

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked

her what was wrong.

 

" The bus driver insulted me. " she fumed.

 

The man sympathized and said: " Why, he's a public servant and

shouldn't say things to insult passengers. "

 

" You're right. " She said. " I think I'll go back up there and give

him a piece of my mind. "

 

" That's a good idea. " the man said. " Here, let me hold your monkey. "

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The little girl asks her

mother, " How old are you? "

 

Mommy says, " Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn

later on in life. "

 

The little girl then asks, " Mommy. How much do you weigh? "

 

Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find

out when you are grown up. "

 

The little girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, " Mommy,

why did you and daddy get a divorce? "

 

Mommy says, " Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I

don't want to talk about it now. "

 

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about the

conversation she'd had with her mother.

 

The girlfriend says, " All you have to do is sneak a look at your

mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you

everything. "

 

The little girl and her mother go shopping again.

 

The little girl says, " Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32

years old. "

 

Mommy is very shocked! She asks " Sweetheart how do you know that? "

 

The little girl shrugs and says, " I just know, and I know how much you

weigh. You weigh 130 pounds. "

 

The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, " Where did you learn that? "

 

The little girl says, " I just know, that's all, and I know why you and

daddy got a divorce.

 

Cause you got an 'F' in sex. "

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough

to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer

Joe.

 

" Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine? " ' asked the

lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, " Well, I'll tell you what happened. I

had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the... "

 

" I didn't ask for any details, " the lawyer interrupted, " just answer

the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm

fine!'. "

 

Farmer Joe said, " Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I

was driving down the road... "

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, " Judge, I am trying to

establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told

the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several

weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he

is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. "

 

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer

and said to the lawyer, " I'd like to hear what he has to say. "

 

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, " Well, as I was saying, I had

just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the

highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and

smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and

Bessie was thrown into the other.

 

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear

ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape

just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman

came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he

went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and

shot her between the eyes.

 

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and

looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to

shoot her. How are you feeling?'

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

In a small Irish town, Tommy Lenahan goes to confession. " Bless me,

Father, for I have sinned. "

 

" What is the nature of your sin, my son? " asks the priest.

 

" I've been with a woman, Father, " replies Tommy.

 

" Who was it? " the priest asks him.

 

" I can't tell you, Father, as I wouldn't wish to sully her reputation. "

 

" Was it Annie Murphy? "

" No, Father. "

 

" Was it Bernadette O'Connell? "

" No, Father. "

 

" Perhaps it was Colleen McBride. "

" No, Father, it wasn't her. "

 

" Then who was it? "

" As I said, Father, I really can't tell you. "

 

" Very well then my son, as a penance you can say five Our Fathers and

four Hail Marys. "

 

Tommy goes back to his pew where his friend asks, " How did you get on? "

 

He replies, " Not bad. I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and

three good leads. "

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.

 

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He

stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

 

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own

vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, while the other

patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

 

Finally, when he was the last car to leave the parking lot, he pulled

out onto the road and started to drive away.

 

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the

man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great

surprise, the man blew a 0.00%.

 

The patrolman was dumbfounded. " This equipment must be broken! " he

exclaimed.

 

" I doubt it, " said the man, " Tonight I am the designated decoy! "