O/T Humor : A letter to our dog

[Guest guest]

Dear Dog of Mine,

 

It seems that lately things have gotten a smidge slack around here. I

feel it is time to remind you of the rules that heretofore we have

operated under. You are cute but your continued cuteness in no way

negates our previous agreement. Let me remind you of a few details of

this agreement.

 

1. In exchange for room and board, you are to guard the kingdom. That

would be guarding the kingdom from any and all bad guys, robbers,

serial killers, etc. Feel free to bark maniacally at any of those

that should appear in the yard. Guarding the kingdom does NOT include

barking maniacally at bunnies, squirrels, cows, sheep and invisible

things that only you can see, especially between the hours of 5am

(when I stumble out of bed to let you out) and 8am (when I actually

have to be out of bed to get to work).

(And let me take a moment here to remind you that the pizza guy is a

potential bad guy. He is not your friend. Just because he comes

bearing food does not allow him free and easy access to the kingdom.

He is potentially way more dangerous than the bunnies that you

threaten to tear limb from limb.)

 

2. All of the stuff that lives in the toy basket is yours. Everything

else is mine. Yours includes squeaky balls, random bones, partially

unstuffed stuffed animals and chew ropes. Mine includes any and all

shoes on the floor (especially the expensive leather ones), underwear

that missed the hamper, bras, socks, dishtowels, the remote, the cell

phone, the legs of my grandmother's antique chair and the vacuum. Did

I mention shoes? ALL the shoes are mine. They come in pairs, not

quads, for a reason.

 

3. The cat gets to sleep on the bed. You do not. You weigh 70

pounds. The cat weighs 12. You sleep smack dab in the middle of the

bed with all four feet spread out covering approximately 12 square

feet apiece. The cat sleeps in a neat little ball covering about 2

square feet. Quit sneaking up when you think I'm not looking. Your

70 pounds of dogginess negates your stealth superpowers. I know you

are up there!!

 

4. Speaking of the cat- when he hunkers down into that little mound,

lays his ears back, squints his eyes and growls way back in his

chest, HE IS NOT A HAPPY KITTY. Leave him alone. He does not want to

play with you. What he wants to do is poke your eyes out and shread

the skin around your face. He can do that, you know. Five of his 6

ends are really sharp and pointy. He has previously shown very little

restraint. Clearly he enjoys smacking you upside the head with a paw

full of claws. Do not annoy him. You have been forewarned.

 

5. The cat is mean. He will lead you down a path to destruction. He

likes to tear around the house winding you up. He does this knowingly

and intentionally. When you chase him, I will only yell at you for

careening into walls and furniture. He knows this. Quit falling for

it.

 

6. If you find something in the garbage can, assume that I intend for

it to be there. Plastic tampon shells are not chew toys. Don't eat

them.

 

7. Also not for doggy consumption- anything you find in the litter

box. .

 

8. You are allowed to sleep on the furniture. You are not allowed to

eat the furniture.

 

9. Yes, I have to leave every day to go to work. No, you cannot go

with me.

 

10. I have opposable thumbs. This is why I get to be in charge. I can

open cans, doors, and bags of treats. I am the only one in the house

that can operate the hose sprayer. I'm also the only one with a

driver's license and a car. I win. Being cute is no match for

opposable thumbs.

 

While I in no way wish to suppress your rightful dogginess, I feel

that these very simple guidelines will allow us to continue to co-

exist in peaceful harmony. Please know though, that should you choose

to continue in willful violation of these rules, I WILL PUT THE CAT

IN CHARGE. He has just been itching for a position in management.

 

Much thanks,

The Human