OT : Christmas Enterprises announces restructuring -Very long, but funny

[Guest guest]

This piece was published in an English newspaper some time ago. Thought I would

share.

 

Virginia

West Aussie

 

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the

reindeer early retirement package has triggered concern about whether they will

be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

 

Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the

season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order

catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and

permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late-model

Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen

airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received

unfavourable press.

 

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be altered. Tradition

still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the

strongest possible language, the leak that Rudolph's nose got that way from

substance abuse. The unfortunate comment, by one of Santa's helpers, that

Rudolph was ? a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the

load? was taken out of context at time of year when he is known to be under

stress. Today?s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for

more competitive steps. Effect immediately, the following economy measures will

take place in our ?Twelve Days of Christmas? subsidiary:

 

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never became the cash crop

forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant.

 

The two turtle doves are simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance

during working hours could not be condoned. These positions are eliminated.

 

The three French hens will also be downsized after concerns about their diet.

 

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system. An

analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often,

and for how long.

 

The five gold rings have been sold off. Maintaining a portfolio based on one

commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.

Diversification into other precious metals, a mix of bearer bonds and

technology stock appears in order.

 

The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It

has long been felt that a rate of an egg per goose per day is extremely poor

productivity. Three geese will bow be let go, and an upgrading in the selection

criteria will ensure higher output.

 

The seven swans-a-swimming were obviously acquired in better times. Their

function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order with the

existing swans retrained to learn new strokes, enhancing out placement

opportunities.

 

The eight maids-a-milking concept has come under scrutiny by the European Union.

A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. Automation may permit

the maids to switch to a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

 

The function of the nine ladies dancing will be phased out as the individuals

concerned grow older, and can no longer do the steps.

 

Ten Lords-a-leaping represent an overstaffing issue. The high costs of Lords

prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing them with 10

out-of-work MPs. Leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, but the savings

will be significant.

 

Eleven pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming are a case of the band getting too

big. Substitution with a string quartet and an embargo on new music will produce

savings right down to the bottom line.

 

To summarise, we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,

animal and other expenses. But stretching deliveries over 12 days is

inefficient. Actions is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the Law Society

seeking expansion to include the legal profession ( " thirteen solicitors suing " ).

Lastly, deeper cuts may be necessary in future to stay competitive. Should that

happen, management will scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if all seven

dwarves are necessary.

 

 

[Guest guest]

Thanks for sharing Virginia, That was very cute :-)

 

Carol

 

Virginia wrote:

>

> This piece was published in an English newspaper some time ago.

> Thought I would share.

>

> Virginia

> West Aussie

>