Non Veg Husbands, etc.

[Guest guest]

Hi Sparrow,

 

My husband isn't vegetarian either. He's happy to eat veg at home, but when

we go out to eat (like today) he will sometimes get chicken, etc. Today he

had a hamburger and I had a veggie burger.

 

Our son is vegetarian. He has been since high school, or maybe even late

middle school. I can't remember what year he went veg. He's stuck with it

faithfully since then.

 

I was veg for 7 years back in the 90's, faithfully, then fell off the

turnip truck and went back to bad habits. I kept trying to get back on track,

but

had a hard time. I think I just hadn't truly decided that being veg was what I

really wanted to do. Finally, for whatever reason, I decided that I really,

really wanted to do it, and my last animal based meal was on New Year's Eve.

It's been 13 days now, and I can't say that I even miss having fish or chicken

or

whatever. I've been very happy being vegetarian. My next goal is to ease into

being vegan. Once the cheese is out of the house, it will be easier. I will

enjoy it while I can though. I'm afraid if I move too fast, it will seem

overwhelming.

 

Cath (-:

 

 

 

**************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape.

http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

On 1/13/08, catherineleslie1 <catherineleslie1 wrote:

>

> Hi Sparrow,

>

> My husband isn't vegetarian either. He's happy to eat veg at home, but when

> we go out to eat (like today) he will sometimes get chicken, etc. Today he

> had a hamburger and I had a veggie burger.

 

You are so fortunate! Food has been the source of more arguments in

our marriage than any other topic. He had a lot of resistance to me

going back to my veg roots. He argued that there wasn't enough money

for two different menus but I was able to show him that I can eat on

1/3 the amount of money he eats on so that me going veg would bring

our food bills down, not raise them up. (The drawback being that I am

expected to stick to that 1/3 and he uses the other 2/3 to buy more

meat for himself, keeping the grocery bill the same.)

 

But a lot of it is emotional resistance. He feels a sense of loss when

we're not eating the same thing and has had to actively learn that

when we are sitting down together, both eating, we really truly are

" eating together " even if there are totally different things on our

plates. I know it was an emotional resistance because he doesn't have

that problem if we go to a buffet and eat different things. It only

crops up at a regular restaurant or at home. His childhood was not

happy and I end up unpacking a lot of the baggage his parents packed

up for him, so to speak.

 

A lot of the arguing has died down over the years. But I will never

forget the time he wanted to go to McDonald's and I got a salad and we

got into an argument right there in the restaurant because he told me

I ruined his dinner and he couldn't enjoy eating his Big Mac because I

was " sitting there not eating. " (A salad, apparently, is not food.)

 

He still has a hard time with it. It's not about the food and it's not

about the politics of vegetarianism. It's about his own fears of

abandonment. His mother's abandonment (she actually handed him a note

when he was seven that said she never wanted to see him again!) and

his father's emotional absences and multiple re-marriages got tied

almost exclusively to food.

 

Muddled in with all this is stuff like how I have to be very careful

about asking for too many fresh vegetables at once or it will trigger

an argument about money (so I use a lot of frozen vegetables in my

cooking.) This is also why I can cook a lot with beans but hardly ever

get to use tofu or tempeh because they go enough above the price line

to trigger the bad reactions. So I adjust and accomodate and slip a

little soy food in when I have some pocket money of my own.

 

He's right - we don't have much money to spend on food. But it is

annoying and, when an argument crops up, distressing because it's not

rooted in logical thinking but in emotional reaction.

Doubly-distressing because in the rest of his life he is an

exceptionally reasonable, logical person. It's just amazing how many

emotions people -- all of us -- tie up in food. From the people who

feel threatened when they encounter a vegetarian to people like me who

eat too much out of fear of shortage to people who can't give up

desserts because they don't want to feel deprived. And then there's

the whole idea of " comfort food " which is different for different

people but often based on feelings of love surrounding what mother

used to cook for us. Food is such an emotional thing!

 

Be grateful for your situation, Cath! What you describe is not really

like living with a non-veg at all. Your husband is what I've seen

described as a " flexitarian. " -- veg at home but not when eating out.

There are other flexitarian patterns, too, such as eating veg during

the week and not on weekends. My husband is straight-up carnivore --

there's no " flex " there at all. *sigh*

 

> Finally, for whatever reason, I decided that I really,

> really wanted to do it, and my last animal based meal was on New Year's Eve.

> It's been 13 days now, and I can't say that I even miss having fish or chicken

or

> whatever. I've been very happy being vegetarian.

 

Congratulations! It sure is a good feeling, isn't it?

 

> My next goal is to ease into

> being vegan. Once the cheese is out of the house, it will be easier. I will

> enjoy it while I can though. I'm afraid if I move too fast, it will seem

> overwhelming.

 

In all things, it's best to move at a pace that feels challenging but

still comfortable. You are very wise!

 

Sparrow

[Guest guest]

Your husband sounds like my mother-in-law who died in May. She hated

my not eating meat. She tried to sabotage me every way she could

until she became so disabled she no longer did the household cooking

for meals when we visited. What she did not understand was that, like

any vegetarian, I simply ate before I came to her family dinners.

Other family members brought me special vegetarian dishes to family

dinners for me because they were so horrified at her attitude.

 

My husband was wonderful. He supported me in every way, but she was

forever going around talking to family, friends, and neighbors about

how strange I was because of how I ate. At the end, as her mind began

to deteriorate I had to stay away from her because she became so

verbally abusive to me that it bothered my husband terribly. She did

not realize that she alienated her son, not me. I am a retired Social

Worker. I just looked at her as an abusive client who came to the

welfare department and put on my professional demeanor.

 

Yes, food is so tied up in emotional issues like control, power, etc.

 

Kathleen

vegetarian for 30+ years

 

Food has been the source of more arguments in our marriage than any

other topic. He had a lot of resistance to me going back to my veg

roots. He argued that there wasn't enough money for two different

menus but I was able to show him that I can eat on 1/3 the amount of

money he eats on so that me going veg would bring our food bills down,

not raise them up. (The drawback being that I am expected to stick to

that 1/3 and he uses the other 2/3 to buy more meat for himself,

keeping the grocery bill the same.) But a lot of it is emotional

resistance. He feels a sense of loss when we're not eating the same

thing and has had to actively learn that when we are sitting down

together, both eating, we really truly are " eating together " even if

there are totally different things on our plates. I know it was an

emotional resistance because he doesn't have that problem if we go to

a buffet and eat different things. It only crops up at a regular

restaurant or at home. His childhood was not happy and I end up

unpacking a lot of the baggage his parents packed up for him, so to

speak. A lot of the arguing has died down over the years. But I will

never forget the time he wanted to go to McDonald's and I got a salad

and we got into an argument right there in the restaurant because he

told me I ruined his dinner and he couldn't enjoy eating his Big Mac

because I was " sitting there not eating. " (A salad, apparently, is not

food.) He still has a hard time with it. It's not about the food and

it's not about the politics of vegetarianism. It's about his own fears

of abandonment. His mother's abandonment (she actually handed him a

note when he was seven that said she never wanted to see him again!)

and his father's emotional absences and multiple re-marriages got tied

almost exclusively to food. Muddled in with all this is stuff like

how I have to be very careful about asking for too many fresh

vegetables at once or it will trigger an argument about money (so I

use a lot of frozen vegetables in my cooking.) This is also why I can

cook a lot with beans but hardly ever get to use tofu or tempeh

because they go enough above the price line to trigger the bad

reactions. So I adjust and accommodate and slip a little soy food in

when I have some pocket money of my own. He's right - we don't have

much money to spend on food. But it is annoying and, when an argument

crops up, distressing because it's not rooted in logical thinking but

in emotional reaction. Doubly-distressing because in the rest of his

life he is an exceptionally reasonable, logical person. It's just

amazing how many emotions people -- all of us -- tie up in food. From

the people who feel threatened when they encounter a vegetarian to

people like me who eat too much out of fear of shortage to people who

can't give up desserts because they don't want to feel deprived. And

then there's the whole idea of " comfort food " which is different for

different people but often based on feelings of love surrounding what

mother used to cook for us. Food is such an emotional thing!

[Guest guest]

On 1/13/08, Kathleen M. Pelley <kmpelley wrote:

>

> Yes, food is so tied up in emotional issues like control, power, etc.

 

Which, in my opinion, all come back to fear.

 

Sparrow

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

 

I haven't been following this thread so I'm rather late with my response. I

apologise if this topic has already been done to death. It's quite possible

that someone has already given a response similar to mine. I have been a bit

'out of the loop' for the last few days as I managed to 'damage' myself on

Friday. I tripped over at home and hit my head on the stair post leaving me

with a rather spectacular looking black eye. It kept me away from the computer

for a while as reading and concentrating on the screen gave me a headache.

Fortunately that seems to be a bit better today.

 

Kathleen it certainly sounds as if your late mother-in-law was determined to

sabotage your decision. I admire you for coping with this difficult situation.

My first husband wasn't vegetarian but, fortunately, he in no way tried to

undermine or belittle my choice. He was quite happy to eat some vegetarian

dishes but he had no interest in becoming a vegetarian. I had a large selection

of dishes which I could prepare as vegetarian then remove sufficient for myself

and my two vegetarian children before adding some non-veg ingredients for him

and the other two children. It only involved a small amount of extra work. I

do accept that many vegetarians/vegans don't wish to cook non-vegetarian

ingredients. In fact I think I would feel the same way now but we are talking

about 15 years ago - my first husband died in 1993. If you are not prepared to

cook non-veg ingredients the approach I suggest obviously wouldn't be workable

unless the 'non-veg' in the family is prepared

to cook his/her own 'additions' to the dish.

 

I'm not sure of the exact titles but I know that there are some cook books

available which cater for the situation where only one member of a family is a

vegetarian. When I feel up to it I will go through my cook books and see if I

can find the correct titles. I know there is one by an English writer named

Richard Cawley and I think the title is 'Almost Vegetarian'. There is another

one specifically for people expecting a vegetarian guest but I can't remember

the title at the moment. (Perhaps that whack on the head did more damage than I

thought!!!!!) I was hoping to find some more titles by doing a quick Google

search. I lucked out on book titles but I did find a blog written by someone

with a mixed veg/non-veg family. Maybe this will be of some interest.

 

http://almostvegetarian.blogspot.com/2007/11/how-single-family-with-two-carnivor\

es.html

 

Cheers from Marie

 

" Kathleen M. Pelley " <kmpelley wrote:

Your husband sounds like my mother-in-law who died in May. She hated

my not eating meat. She tried to sabotage me every way she could

until she became so disabled she no longer did the household cooking

for meals when we visited. What she did not understand was that, like

any vegetarian, I simply ate before I came to her family dinners.

Other family members brought me special vegetarian dishes to family

dinners for me because they were so horrified at her attitude.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sent from & #45; a smarter inbox.

 

 

[Guest guest]

On 1/14/08, Marie Rieuwers <marierieuwers wrote:

>

> I have been a bit 'out of the loop' for the last few days as I managed

> to 'damage' myself on Friday. I tripped over at home and hit my head

> on the stair post leaving me with a rather spectacular looking black

> eye. It kept me away from the computer for a while as reading and

> concentrating on the screen gave me a headache. Fortunately that

> seems to be a bit better today.

 

Ouch! I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better! Have a speedy recovery!

 

Sparrow

[Guest guest]

Hi Sparrow,

 

You're right, I am fortunate that my husband is willing to eat vegetarian at

home. I really am grateful for that. As a very sensitive person, who can't

easily handle confrontation or disagreements, it would be very difficult for me

if he insisted that I cook meat at home,or if we had fights over me being

vegetarian. He grew up in a family that had a very limited diet. Every Friday

was

fish, every Saturday was pepperoni pizza, every Sunday was steak, etc. It

never varied. He is thrilled that I make so many different and tasty dishes.

It's

never boring at our house as I am always trying new recipes. His only real

dislike is tofu (although he doesn't even realize he's eating it at times. Not

that I " sneak it in " all that often. Maybe a few times a year). Oh, and he

won't drink Barley Max. He calls it " Swamp Juice " . That's understandable. It

does

look pretty disgusting, and is an acquired taste. I hated it at first, but got

used to it over time, and actually enjoy it now.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about how your husband's mother treated him, and about

his father. It's understandable that he wants to cling to and has an

emotional attachment to eating meat. Losing another thing that he's been doing

for so

many years, and is attached to, is probably uncomfortable for him. It's a good

thing that he has someone like you who can understand where he's coming from,

even though it may be aggravating to you at times.

 

It's also good that you feel comfortable enough to come here and talk to

the group about things, so you don't have to keep them bottled up. This is such

a wonderful place for support and understanding. I'm so happy that I found you

all! ((((hugs))))

 

Cath (-:

 

 

 

**************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape.

http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489