Meat eating in-laws

[Guest guest]

I have a situation that occurred at a birthday

party for my husband's grandmother, and I am

looking for feedback as to what I could have done

differently.

 

At the birthday party they were serving food, most

of which contained meat. I have openly voiced my

desire to raise my son vegetarian, which most of

my in-laws are openly against. Even though they

disagree with me they respect my rights as his

mother. Well, at this party my husband's

grandmother put a piece of turkey in my son's

mouth, which I promptly removed and disposed of,

which sent her into a horrible rage (she even

raised her hand at me and told me I was ruining

her great grandson) I chose to grab my children

and head out to the car. The whole situation

caused the entire family to fight over who was

right me or " grandma " my husband's grandfather

even told him he was no longer welcome in their

home. My husband's father was also told not to

return. My husband's entire family hunts and

fishes and they think I am a freak. What do I do?

 

Dara

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[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/2/00 6:48:13 AM Central Daylight Time, darah

writes:

 

<< at this party my husband's

grandmother put a piece of turkey in my son's

mouth, which I promptly removed and disposed of,

which sent her into a horrible rage (she even

raised her hand at me and told me I was ruining

her great grandson) I chose to grab my children

and head out to the car. >>

 

I would have done the same thing, Dara. You and your husband have the right

to raise your children as you choose. Your extended families must accept

this or risk damaging their relationship with you and your children. Perhaps

you can try to explain this to them in writing, where confrontations are less

likely to occur. They should realize that your intentions are sincere and

that you are doing what you believe is best for your children (and the world,

if that is your belief). I hope that everything works out for you and your

family.

 

Tracey

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 8/2/00 11:11:22 AM Central Daylight Time,

erin writes:

 

<< They couldn't understand why we don't like sitting at the table while they

eat meat. They said things like, " Well we're not forcing it down your

throat. "

>>

 

We went out to dinner with my husband's parents when they were in town a

couple of weeks ago and the same thing happened. They actually ordered

barbequed ribs of all things! The sight of them gnawing on those things was

bad enough, but the smell was the worst. I had to get up and leave the

table. I took my toddler with me, as I was afraid they would try to give him

some while I was gone (they have tried to let him " taste " their sandwiches

before). When we returned, my mother-in-law commented on how full of fat the

ribs were. My reply was, " Yeah, and cow, too. " Someone quickly changed the

subject, but they all kept chewing on the ribs. It was disgusting. And they

wonder why we don't let them babysit!

 

Have a great day everyone!

Angela

[Guest guest]

WOW! And we thought our relatives were bad! They still taunt us and make stupid comments, etc. but have NEVER actually fed our son meat! We really feel for ya! You definitely did the right thing - seems that you won't be having much (if any) of a relationship with those grandparents, unfortunately. Unless you can patch things up and only see them in a non-eating situation, you're kids are better off not being around them.

Hang in there!

 

Lynne and Tony Stornello

 

Dara Howard [darah]Tuesday, August 01, 2000 5:30 PM Subject: Meat eating in-lawsI have a situation that occurred at a birthdayparty for my husband's grandmother, and I amlooking for feedback as to what I could have donedifferently.At the birthday party they were serving food, mostof which contained meat. I have openly voiced mydesire to raise my son vegetarian, which most ofmy in-laws are openly against. Even though theydisagree with me they respect my rights as hismother. Well, at this party my husband'sgrandmother put a piece of turkey in my son'smouth, which I promptly removed and disposed of,which sent her into a horrible rage (she evenraised her hand at me and told me I was ruiningher great grandson) I chose to grab my childrenand head out to the car. The whole situationcaused the entire family to fight over who wasright me or "grandma" my husband's grandfathereven told him he was no longer welcome in theirhome. My husband's father was also told not toreturn. My husband's entire family hunts andfishes and they think I am a freak. What do I do?Dara____________FREE Personalized Email at Mail.comSign up at http://www.mail.com/?sr=signupFor more information about vegetarianism, please visit the VRG website at http://www.vrg.org and for materials especially useful for families go to http://www.vrg.org/family.

[Guest guest]

I would also have walked out. I think you did the right thing under the

circumstances.

 

My husband and I have also had conflicts with our family but luckily nothing

as severe as that. But I did come up with a way to put things into

perspective for them and you may want to try this. Mind you, it's a really

strong example, but it really shut them all up.

 

They couldn't understand why we don't like sitting at the table while they

eat meat. They said things like, " Well we're not forcing it down your

throat. " So I told them this:

 

" How would you feel if after saying Grace, Steve and I offered up a prayer

of our own to Satan, whipped out some fresh blood from our latest sacrifice

and drank it in front of you? " They said they'd be appalled, disgusted, and

would want us to leave. I said, " That's how we feel when you guys talk

about how tender the roast beef is, and how creamy the cheese casserole is.

It's like you're talking about how fresh the blood is after the kill. It

disgusts us. " They got the point and understand now why it makes us so

uncomfortable to sit at the same table as them while they eat their meat.

Again,, this is a very strong example, and they are very religious. But it

did put it into a perspective they could understand.

 

Hope this helps.

 

--Erin

 

 

-

Dara Howard <darah

 

Tuesday, August 01, 2000 3:29 PM

Meat eating in-laws

 

 

> I have a situation that occurred at a birthday

> party for my husband's grandmother, and I am

> looking for feedback as to what I could have done

> differently.

>

> At the birthday party they were serving food, most

> of which contained meat. I have openly voiced my

> desire to raise my son vegetarian, which most of

> my in-laws are openly against. Even though they

> disagree with me they respect my rights as his

> mother. Well, at this party my husband's

> grandmother put a piece of turkey in my son's

> mouth, which I promptly removed and disposed of,

> which sent her into a horrible rage (she even

> raised her hand at me and told me I was ruining

> her great grandson) I chose to grab my children

> and head out to the car. The whole situation

> caused the entire family to fight over who was

> right me or " grandma " my husband's grandfather

> even told him he was no longer welcome in their

> home. My husband's father was also told not to

> return. My husband's entire family hunts and

> fishes and they think I am a freak. What do I do?

>

> Dara

> ____________

> FREE Personalized Email at Mail.com

> Sign up at http://www.mail.com/?sr=signup

>

>

>

>

>

> For more information about vegetarianism, please visit the VRG website at

http://www.vrg.org and for materials especially useful for families go to

http://www.vrg.org/family.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can't comment on this as a vegetarian (because I am still working towards

that) but I know as a conservative religious person that if my inlaws didn't

support or at least respect what I was teaching my children that we would

not visit them much. If they fought what I taught I would not visit them at

all since I would rather my kids believe what I teach them than have a good

relationship with their grandparents. It is all a matter of how important

it is to you. I do know that it can become a matter of pride, I'm not

talking about that. I'm talking about how important it is that your kids

believe what you do.

Have an Energetic Day, Dawn Wilson

********************************************************

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Cook Mouthwatering Meals with fresh herbs for less $$$

Lose Weight, Quit Smoking, Treat everyday ailments!

If we don't have it, ask, and we'll try to get it.

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TFreyre <TFreyre

Wednesday, August 02, 2000 11:30 AM

Re: Meat eating in-laws

 

 

>In a message dated 8/2/00 6:48:13 AM Central Daylight Time,

darah

>writes:

>

><< at this party my husband's

> grandmother put a piece of turkey in my son's

> mouth, which I promptly removed and disposed of,

> which sent her into a horrible rage (she even

> raised her hand at me and told me I was ruining

> her great grandson) I chose to grab my children

> and head out to the car. >>

>

>I would have done the same thing, Dara. You and your husband have the

right

>to raise your children as you choose. Your extended families must accept

>this or risk damaging their relationship with you and your children.

Perhaps

>you can try to explain this to them in writing, where confrontations are

less

>likely to occur. They should realize that your intentions are sincere and

>that you are doing what you believe is best for your children (and the

world,

>if that is your belief). I hope that everything works out for you and your

>family.

>

>Tracey

>

>

>

>

>For more information about vegetarianism, please visit the VRG website at

http://www.vrg.org and for materials especially useful for families go to

http://www.vrg.org/family.

>

>

[Guest guest]

My wife and I are currently pregnant with our first child, and we've already

anticipated some of the problems you describe. To counter any claims of us

raising our child in an " unhealthy " manner by being strict vegetarian

(almost vegan), we bought the book Vegan Pregnancy and Child Care (or a name

close to that) By Dr. Michael Klapper, MD (spelling?)in conjunction with a

dietician. We are photocopying key pages from this book and sending them to

all of our relatives. Included with this will be a note resassuring them

that we aren't trying to change their eating habits, we just want to remove

any fears they may have (because of how much they care about our baby)

regarding the diet we choose.

 

I'm sure your in-laws perceive that they are helping the child. Hopefully

some objective info from qualified medical and dietary specialists will

alleviate some of their fears.

 

David

,

----Original Message Follows----

TFreyre

 

 

Re: Meat eating in-laws

Wed, 2 Aug 2000 10:58:27 EDT

 

In a message dated 8/2/00 6:48:13 AM Central Daylight Time,

darah

writes:

 

<< at this party my husband's

grandmother put a piece of turkey in my son's

mouth, which I promptly removed and disposed of,

which sent her into a horrible rage (she even

raised her hand at me and told me I was ruining

her great grandson) I chose to grab my children

and head out to the car. >>

 

I would have done the same thing, Dara. You and your husband have the right

to raise your children as you choose. Your extended families must accept

this or risk damaging their relationship with you and your children. Perhaps

you can try to explain this to them in writing, where confrontations are

less

likely to occur. They should realize that your intentions are sincere and

that you are doing what you believe is best for your children (and the

world,

if that is your belief). I hope that everything works out for you and your

family.

 

Tracey

 

 

______________________

Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com

[Guest guest]

Oh gee, I'm surprised you didn't do anything more drastic! I'd have reacted

the same way as you did, probably taken it a step further and not even

bothered to talk to them again for a long while!

 

I think lifestyles and generational differences play a huge role in how

relatives react/act to how we choose to raise our children and I know I'd

have been furious if my grandmother didn't respect that to the point she

actually gave my daughter some meat. Argh. Those hard-headed

self-righteous-just-because-they-raised-10-healthy-perfectly-fine-children

are the worst!

 

I'd probably take the suggestions of writing out and maybe photocopying

information for anyone who has problems with your values and see if it makes

any kind of difference. The best thing about that method is you don't have

to listen to them yell about how terrible it is to raise your child how you

choose to raise them

 

Peace,

 

Jenna

______________________

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[Guest guest]

I think I actually have a different opinion than most of the responses I have

seen to this so far.

 

Certainly, I would have removed the offending dead flesh from the childs

mouth. I would have moved the child gently away from the immediate

situation. Assuming that Great Grandma is old enough that she really

doesn't, maybe can't, understand the true extent of her sin, I would have

looked for an excuse/explanation for her of why the child can't have meat

(people often react better to can't have as opposed to choose not to, it's

easier for them to accept).

 

I wouldn't have left. Being as they are in-laws, I would have put my spouse

in-charge of dealing with it from there.

 

Not having been there, it is easy to say I would have tried to diffuse the

situation and tried to go on with the day. Perhaps you had really no choice.

Certainly the big losers when something like this happens are the

grandparents that miss out on a relationship with your children and your

children who miss out on the good things that they can learn from the

previous generations.

 

I am quite serious about my vegetarianism, both my children have been raised

vegetarian from birth. I am also serious about them seeing family as being

important and that family relationships are an integral part of who they are.

So, we tolerate the dreaded Thanksgiving dinner with my parents or my

in-laws. We eat our food and they eat their food and our food, but we do it

as a family.

 

I expect to disagree with my kids plenty throughout their lives, but I don't

want to do anything to teach them that not being together is an acceptable

solution.

 

Sorry for rambling on.

 

Phil Welsher

[Guest guest]

I want to thank everyone who responded to my

dilemma, you guys gave me alot of support and good

ideas. I live in Utah and if anyone would like to

be an e-mail pen pal I would love it.

 

Dara

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Sign up at http://www.mail.com/?sr=signup

[Guest guest]

Phil,

Good feedback, if you have the patience and tolerance to deal with the

situation. You do have to deal with your family whether you like it or

not. We are not close with our families but I think it still makes for an

uncomfortable situation when you are at odds with one another. Hopefully

both parties can appreciate this and make the best of it.

 

 

Mary Maxey Paul

Patuxent Wildlife Research Center

Biological Science Technician (Wildlife)

301-497-5725

 

 

 

PhilLand (AT) aol (DOT)

com darah,

 

cc:

08/02/2000 Re: Meat

eating in-laws

10:38 PM

Please

respond to

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think I actually have a different opinion than most of the responses I

have

seen to this so far.

 

Certainly, I would have removed the offending dead flesh from the childs

mouth. I would have moved the child gently away from the immediate

situation. Assuming that Great Grandma is old enough that she really

doesn't, maybe can't, understand the true extent of her sin, I would have

looked for an excuse/explanation for her of why the child can't have meat

(people often react better to can't have as opposed to choose not to, it's

easier for them to accept).

 

I wouldn't have left. Being as they are in-laws, I would have put my

spouse

in-charge of dealing with it from there.

 

Not having been there, it is easy to say I would have tried to diffuse the

situation and tried to go on with the day. Perhaps you had really no

choice.

Certainly the big losers when something like this happens are the

grandparents that miss out on a relationship with your children and your

children who miss out on the good things that they can learn from the

previous generations.

 

I am quite serious about my vegetarianism, both my children have been

raised

vegetarian from birth. I am also serious about them seeing family as being

 

important and that family relationships are an integral part of who they

are.

So, we tolerate the dreaded Thanksgiving dinner with my parents or my

in-laws. We eat our food and they eat their food and our food, but we do

it

as a family.

 

I expect to disagree with my kids plenty throughout their lives, but I

don't

want to do anything to teach them that not being together is an acceptable

solution.

 

Sorry for rambling on.

 

Phil Welsher

 

 

 

 

For more information about vegetarianism, please visit the VRG website at

http://www.vrg.org and for materials especially useful for families go to

http://www.vrg.org/family.

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone! I have been reading responses to this posting with great interest,

and I just can't keep quiet anymore on this topic... *g*

 

Dara wrote:

 

<<At the birthday party they were serving food, most of which contained meat.>>

<<I have openly voiced my desire to raise my son vegetarian, which most of my

in-laws are openly against.>>

<<Even though they disagree with me they respect my rights as his mother.>>

 

First of all, Dara, you said you have openly voiced your desire to raise your

son vegetarian (and voiced your opinions about being vegetarian yourself also, I

assume), and your in-laws have told you they're openly against it, but that they

'respect' your rights as your son's mother.

 

Family or not, if these people 'respected' your rights and decisions about not

eating meat, and your rights as your son's mother, they would have prepared some

of the birthday party food in a vegetarian way... Then you and your son could

BOTH eat what YOU choose to eat, while feeling that your rights and decisions

were being respected. (THEY WEREN'T)

 

If they 'respected' your rights and decisions for yourself and your son, the

great grandmother would NEVER have put a piece of meat (dead animal!) into your

child's mouth! And if they were 'respecting' your rights and decisions for

yourself and your son, this woman would have never flown into a HORRIBLE RAGE

(!), even to the point of RAISING HER HAND at you (I'm assuming in a threatening

way) and accusing you of 'ruining HER great grandson'!! This behavior is

ABUSIVE, not RESPECTFUL! I can only wonder what your child was thinking at this

point...

 

Finally, if they 'respected' your rights and decisions, the ENTIRE family would

not be 'fighting' over who was 'right'... Respect to me in this situation would

mean, " you like what you like, we like what we like, we can all share a table

without disrespecting each other's views " or something like that... and they

continue to DISRESPECT you and your views by telling your husband AND your

husband's father NOT TO RETURN to their home because of them?! WHEW....

 

They all hunt and fish and eat meat. I am sure you don't come into their home

and ABUSE them about THEIR choices, no matter how much you may be opposed to

them. I am sure you don't visit them and try to FORCE your views upon them, to

the point of taking foods you don't agree with out of their mouths, raising your

hand in a threatening way, making ridiculous accusations, and refusing to spend

time with them unless they see things YOUR way!!

 

Dara, I am extremely glad you walked out of there with your child... your child

does not need to learn such intolerance and disrespect for other people's

viewpoints, and you don't need to feel threatened, abused and disrespected! I'm

sorry, but again - family or not - these people were abusive and I would

definitely not subject myself or my child to this type of behavior in the name

of keeping 'family harmony'. Your child may learn that he should 'keep his

mouth shut, just to keep peace' or to 'follow the crowd so nobody gets mad'

etc., and those AREN'T good lessons... you taught some stronger lessons about

staying true to yourself, true to your beliefs, and not allowing yourself or

your child to be abused. HURRAH, DARA!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Going forward, I would let your in-laws know that your views are your views,

PERIOD. They don't need to like them or agree with them, but they need to

respect them. I would tell them that when you visit, you'll bring your own

foods with you. I would also tell them that if they want to ask questions or

get information you'll be happy to talk with them, but that you won't tolerate

any discussion of your choices or decisions if they are going to be abusive or

disrespectful to you or try to force things upon your child. Agree to disagree,

and leave it at that! )

 

Whew, okay, I'm putting my soapbox back under my desk for the day. Thanks to

everyone for reading... BTW, I forgot to introduce myself, I'm Sheri from Rhode

Island, I'm 35 and happily vegan, and am hoping to start a family with my

omnivorian male companion within the next two years... He knows and agrees that

any children we have will be raised vegan, and his family and my family are

already aware of my beliefs, very cooperative with me (to the point of always

having soy milk, soy margarine, gardenburgers, lots of veggies/fruit, etc.

around when we come for a visit!) and curious/agreeable to learning...

(thankfully! otherwise, they might not see their grandkids very much! LOL!)

)

Sheri

[Guest guest]

Mary,

Thanks for your comments. I just hate the idea of vegetarianism being a

reason for dividing people. I think Vegetarians need to exhibit more

patience and tolerance than others because we ultimately want to win them

over not isolate ourselves, don't we?

 

I appreciated hearing from you.

 

Phil Welsher