obstacles / lack of progress

[Guest guest]

Although I've been learning, I've had no recent physical signs of the K. I tried

to list reasons for this and had a little unexpected help -- let's say I have

objective (rational) reasons and a few very subjective ones. This may get

long, I don't know...

Objectively: I've been doing all prescribed practices, but am having trouble

with two of them. For now, the first problem, the meditation. I've been

meditating for 30 years with very little benefit. I always thought there must be

something wrong with me (lack of discipline?) until I recently read, in Mary

Scott's book about Kundalini, that she too is not a " good " meditator. She was

born and raised in India and was around meditation all her life, but never felt

the benefits that others did. I don't know what her reasons were, but can

suggest a few for myself:

1. Dominated by air and fire, I tend to be restless. Air in particular gives me

my

preference for motion. Also it means I tend to be overloaded with mental

energy, and this may be exacerbated by focusing on the ajna as opposed to

any other center. (Tai Chi, in comparison, tends to bring the awareness into

the tan-tien area.)

2. My back and neck ailments make sitting meditation painful. Meditation lying

down relieves any discomfort, leading to... sleep, naturally!

3. My thinness / metabolism results in a craving for carbohydrates, especially

in the winter. Eating all the time tends to dull ones ability for deep

meditation,

among other things.

Should I try to overcome this restlessness or try to turn the energy into an

asset? I think both are possible. I still feel like I need more self-discipline

and

persistence. To put it in alchemical terms, I need to learn to " fix the

volatile. "

 

Subjective reasons (from dreams)

1. One dream in which I saw stories about myself and others. I was described

as a failure, whereas the others of course succeeded. I know, I shouldn't

compare, but the part of me that dreamed this didn't heed this dictum.

2. A bizarre dream about a machine -- a game, really -- that whips the loser in

circles incredibly fast, without any safety provisions. My first interpretation

was

that I feared " losing my grip " , i.e. control. However, I'm pretty sure that this

refers mostly to my dread of the first Tibetan, which now makes me feel

naseous just thinking about it.

3. An even more bizarre dream a week or two ago, again observing myself as

in dream no.1. In this case I saw myself pacing, gesturing, making faces, etc.,

absolutely driving my friends crazy with my non-stop motion. However, I didn't

speak. I usually come across as quiet, so my first reaction to this dream was

that I'm a " telepathic loudmouth " (I seem to broadcast my thoughts). But now

I'm thinking that this was just about my restlessness, as described above.

WIll cut this short, gotta go to work... John E

[Guest guest]

Then do the tai chi. Meditate lying down. Continue the five Tibetans but place a

positive feeling to it. Remember when you were a kid and spinning was fun?

Please focus your efforts on releasing yourself from the spiral of self

deprecation and hurt. Blame and fixation with loss is slowing you down. Failure

has to be agreed upon. Snap out of it. I don't care what the " missus " feels

about you this is not the truth about who you are. Forgive her and move on. For

what you have, be gracious and kind to yourself and others in your life.

" Really " do this, over and over and over and over. Everyday for the rest of your

life. Bring something new into your life besides the k and make it yours and a

priority and important because it is yours and therefore important. Blow off

this low self esteem and lead as you are meant to do. Start by leading yourself

out of these blockages and by finding a way to do a practice by figuring out

what you need to do and how it works best for you. Customize it for

yourself. No accident that you are here John. Just a little bit of a different

tack for you, and you will flow like a river.-