The Onion: U.S. Children Getting Majority Of Antibiotics From McDonald's Meat

[Guest guest]

From the satirical Web site, The Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/

 

http://www.theonion.com/onion3814/us_children_getting.html

 

U.S. Children Getting Majority Of Antibiotics From McDonald's Meat

 

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department of Health and Human

Services report released Monday, McDonald's meat from antibiotics-

injected livestock is now the primary source of antibiotics for U.S.

children, particularly for uninsured youths from low-income

households.

 

" Unfortunately, some children still fall through the cracks in

our health-care system, but luckily, McDonald's is there to lend a

helping hand, " Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson

said at a press conference announcing the findings. " So even if a

child's family has no health insurance and can't afford medicine,

virtually anyone can afford a delicious 99-cent Big Mac with pickles,

cheese, and a heapin' helpin' of [the antibiotic] quinupristin-

dalfopristin. "

 

In HHS tests, 82 percent of children who had not been properly

inoculated were still found to have significant levels of antibiotics

in their bloodstreams. The antibiotics, the tests concluded, were the

result of sustained intake of McDonald's meat.

 

" Disadvantaged children tend to eat at McDonald's a lot, which

is a good thing, " Thompson said. " If you think about it, where else

are these kids going to get their fluoroquinolone? "

 

Large-scale meat producers, Thompson noted, routinely add

antibiotics to the feed of healthy animals to prevent cross-infection

in the crowded, cramped quarters where livestock are typically

raised. In the U.S., the average beef steer receives eight times more

antibiotics than its human counterpart.

 

" When your daughter gets strep throat, head straight over to

McDonald's and prescribe her a delicious Quarter Pounder or nine-

piece Chicken McNuggets, " Thompson said. " She'll not only receive the

amoxycillin she needs to get better, but also a whole array of growth

hormones proven to speed a child's physical development. "

 

" And if your child prefers Burger King or Wendy's, " he

continued, " that's fine, too. Any of the big fast-food chains can get

them healthy. "

 

While all Americans benefit from the 25 million pounds of

antibiotics fed to chickens, pigs, and cows each year, children stand

to gain the most, U.S. Sen. Richard Lugar (R-IN) said.

 

 

" Children weigh less than adults, so when they eat a hamburger,

they get a proportionally more potent dose of antibiotics, " said

Lugar, who is among the Senate's strongest proponents of fast-food-

based health care. " These antibiotics are vital in the treatment of

such common childhood ailments as sore throat, ear infection, and

hoof rot. "

 

According to Lugar, waiting in a crowded doctor's office may

soon be a thing of the past.

 

" Every day, food scientists are discovering new antibiotics,

growth hormones, and other chemically engineered substances to inject

into the nation's beef supply, " Lugar said. " And with Americans

working longer and longer hours just to make ends meet, people can't

afford to waste time sitting around some waiting room until their

name is called. Unlike a doctor, our fast-food providers can deliver

a full spectrum of antibiotics in minutes—hot, fresh, and with a

smile. "

 

In conjunction with the Department of Health and Human

Services, Burger King will soon release a brochure, " Happy And

Healthy The Burger King Way, " which outlines a 14-day plan for the

treatment of bacterial infections.

 

In the leaflet, a cartoon cow in a medical coat reminds parents

to give their infected children two daily doses of antibiotic-treated

meat for 14 days. If the condition does not improve after 10 days,

the parent or guardian of the ailing child is instructed to contact a

store manager.

 

" If your child has a sinus infection, he or she can drop by

before and after school for a Double Cheeseburger 50cc Meal or a

delicious Chicken Tetracycline, " Burger King spokeswoman Linda Jacobs

said. " As we're fond of saying here at Burger King, 'This won't hurt

a bite!' "

 

Though representatives say they're pleased with the praise it

has received, the fast-food industry does not intend to rest on its

laurels.

 

" Repeated use of antibiotics will result in increased

resistance to antibiotics in new strains of bacteria, " said Carl

Pickney, lab researcher for TriCon Global, the fast-food conglomerate

that owns KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut. " That's why we need to

encourage our meat suppliers to continually raise the levels of

antibiotics in their meat, developing newer, stronger antibiotics to

replace those that no longer work. We're making good progress, but

we've still got a whole lot of meat to modify. "