I Will Deprogram Any Meatarian for $3,000

[Guest guest]

Hi vege friends

from my hometown! )/

 

I'm still posting to the

meatatarian anti-PETA club. )

 

Things aren't going as

I expected, though.

 

The club has about 300

members.

 

Mostly hunters and butchers.

 

I wrote them and told them

-- politely -- that they are

nasty, vile-puffy, meatatarian

servants of the evil one.

 

But they loved it.

 

They want more.

 

I think one butcher wants

to date me.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have added

) smile

and

)/ hug hug!

at the end.

 

So I'm changing my strategy

now.

 

I've put out an offer to deprogram

any meatatarian for $3,000 a day.

 

Plus hotel and travel fees.

 

This is my notice that I posted.

 

Love, your hometown boy Bruno

 

----------------------

Anti-PETA/

 

Hi meatatarian friends! ^o^)/ kiss!

 

It's your evangelical

vegan mascot Bruno! )/ hug hug

 

Things aren't moving as

I envisioned...

 

I expected sudden

enlightenment and for

meatatarian knees to

bend.

 

And waves of vegan

repentance to be breaking

gently on my shores.

 

But as I stand on this beach

eating a vitamin B12 enriched

soy cracker, no ocean of regret

is dampening my rubber shoes.

 

So it's phase two.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Meatatarian Deprogramming Schedule

By Bruno, Senior Deprogrammer

-------

DAY ONE

 

7:30 am: Orientation. Explain reasons for vegan rescue.

 

8:30 am: Watch " Meat's Not Neat, But Gee This Soy Biscuit's

A Treat " video in prayer room

 

9:00 am: Sharing

 

9:30 am: Breakfast: Rice cracker and sprouts with herbal tea

 

10:00 am: Recite Prayer of Vegan Acceptance in pairs

 

God grant me the serenity to order a vegeburger

Without asking for change

And the courage to request cole slaw

Though it may taste a bit strange

And the wisdom the know the difference between texturized glutten meat

And that grown on the range

 

2:00 pm: Movie: " Babe Goes to the City " with fresh margarined popcorn

 

4:00 pm: Afternoon nap

 

5:00 pm: Sharing

 

6:00 pm: Lecture: " Why Lassie Doesn't Really Want to Fetch "

 

7:00 pm: Nap

 

8:00 pm: Feed mink

 

9:00 pm: Sharing

 

10:00 pm: Bed time

-------

 

Cost: $3,000 dollars per day, plus travel and hotel fees

Contact information: bruno_von_lederhosen

 

I'm sorry it had to come to this.

 

Please forgive my harsh love.

 

Love always, your vegan Bruno

 

)