BELIEFS BEING CHALLANGED

[Guest guest]

Casey suggested: " If this person asks you questions, just answer them in the

friendliest, most non-accusative manner you can. If he/she verbally attacks

you, just point out how insensitive and stubborn they are being (kindly and

gently though;

don't phrase it the way i just did) and ask them to stop unless they

are willing to discuss it with more of an open mind.

While I agree Casey, with most of what you said in your email, especially

with the overall concept of answering questions calmly and respectfully, and

doing what one can to keep the discussion reasonable.

Along those lines, I have some serious doubts about the adviseability of

telling someone they are insenstive and stubborn! It seems to me that telling

someone that they are being insensitive and stubborn is essentially accusatory,

whatever the tone or phrasing. I think insulting others, even gently and

kindly, is likely to put them on the defensive, and that is exactly what we want

to avoid.

I view non-accusative form of address as " self-responsible " . Basically, it

avoids statements that point at " you " , and instead come from " I " . For example,

" I think ... " , " I feel... " , " In my view... " , " It seems to me... " .

I think that being attacked and feeling attacked can be two different

things. I have found that feeling attacked tends to happen when I am less

prepared than I would like to be, to address the issue. For this reason, when I

am feeling attacked the real solution lies within me, in admitting and resolving

my own inner conflicts and filling the gaps of my missing knowledge. The more

information I have about an issue, the less attacked I tend to feel.

If one wants to express a request for a calm and rational discussion, which

is a totally valid request, I think it tends to be more effective to phrase it

as a request or invitation rather than a demand or condition. I have found that

placing conditions on others can be inflamatory. I have found that " I will

leave this discussion UNLESS you play by my rules " has tended to irritate people

and reduce their willingness to play at all!

Something like " I would like you to discuss this issue with me calmly and

rationally " is an invitational request, and may be effective when the person is

reasonably receptive. However, I have heard people respond by yelling " I AM! " ,

and then denying that they are yelling. Sigh. :-/

In that case, it may be necessary to include oneself in the request. " I

would like US to discuss this with each other respectfully and calmly, so that

WE can enjoy this time together... " This softens the focus on the other person,

creates a feeling of being on the same team rather than adversaries. I have

also found it has helped at times to add a positive goal to the discussion,

something like " ...and hopefully come to mutual understanding and agreement. "

By saying to one's self " I want to engage in this discussion calmly and

rationally " can be very helpful in focusing one's attention on calming down,

staying in control of one's self, being pleasant and avoiding blaming the other

person.

It can also be helpful to ask the other person to help, for example " I am

feeling so tense right now that I am having trouble thinking clearly at the

moment. I think it would help for me to take a " time-out " to calm down for x

minutes, and come back to this at x o'clock. Would that be all right with you?

It's really important to me that I treat you respectfully, and I'm aware of

being in danger of speaking harshly or in an accusatory manner. " He/she may

agree, make a counter offer for when to resume or flatly refuse.

When the other person has flatly refuses, I have found that their expressed

need to continue immediately has often helped me find hitherto hidden resources

within myself to continue the discussion in a more self-possessed frame of mind.

Well, that is a few of my thoughts on effective discussion! :-)) Comments?

Deborah