Fw: [McLibel] [presscutting] One McWar to go, please

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Friday, April 11, 2003 10:30 PM

[McLibel] [presscutting] One McWar to go, please

 

 

> 11/04/03

>

> p r e s s c u t t i n g John O'Farrell

>

> ,

>

> The Guaridan

>

> ,

>

> UK

>

> One McWar to go, please

>

> This was truly a historic week. A much-hated regime finally

> seemed to lose its grip amid scenes of jubilation across the

> world.

>

> The McDonald's information minister, dressed in the official

> stripy uniform and proudly wearing the three stars that he

> received for managing to work in one of its restaurants for more

> than a month, appeared before the world's press angrily denying

> that the fast food giant had finally lost the burger war.

>

> " Our heroic leader Ronald McDonald has scored another

> momentous victory, " he declared, as the famous golden arches came

> crashing to the ground behind him. " Our glorious Egg McMuffins

> have never been more popular! " he shouted, as the share price

> tumbled and outlets were closed around the world.

>

> Meanwhile, the whereabouts of Ronald McDonald himself remain

> a mystery. Some reports claim he may have died of heart failure

> after a lifetime of eating saturated burgers. Though the

> figurehead's iconic pictures are still displayed all across the

> crumbling McDonald's empire, many believe that it was a lookalike

> clown used in the recent propaganda film shown on western

> television featuring him giving out balloons to young children.

>

> There is of course still much anxiety for the future. Huge

> reserves of oil can be found in hamburgers - and who knows what

> dangerous chemicals may yet be found when the inspectors go back

> into the restaurants? Ordinary McDonald's employees seemed dazed

> and confused in the midst of the crisis. Asked by a journalist

> for evidence of the brutality of the regime, a pale young worker

> just stared blankly and said: " Do you want fries with that? "

>

> There is a rather satisfying symmetry that the most symbolic

> American corporate brand should be plunged into crisis just as

> the US army is asserting the military dominance of the world's

> only superpower. You might say that it was a delicious irony, but

> that adjective doesn't really feel appropriate here. The more

> aggressively that the old military-industrial complex asserts the

> rights of US companies to trade around the world, the less the

> global consumer wants to hand them their cash.

>

> Hostility to the brand is such that earlier this week a bomb

> went off in a McDonald's in Beirut. It could have been really

> dangerous, but fortunately no one bought any burgers because a

> bomb went off. A few years ago, there was a extended battle as

> the citizens of London NW3 attempted to prevent a branch of

> McDonald's opening in their neighbourhood. The Hampstead

> residents wanted something more useful in their high street, like

> an antique clock restorer.

>

> The brand that says " America " has lost its appeal. The world

> has taken a big bite of the American dream and is now feeling a

> bit queasy. In response to the first ever loss in its 55-year

> history, the American fast food giant has announced that it is

> going upmarket. So soon you'll be able to see teenagers hanging

> around in bus shelters eating McChateaubriand and McCaviar with

> their bare hands. Obviously when the corporation says " upmarket " ,

> it won't be going as far as indulging in unnecessary ostentatious

> extras such as cutlery.

>

> Despite the attempt at rebranding, the McDonald's share price

> has failed to recover. Maybe the company should make the shares a

> bit more attractive by giving away little free gifts with them.

> Then embarrassed middleclass parents would say: " Well we wouldn't

> normally buy a stake in the McDonald's Corporation but little

> Timmy had been desperate for the windup plastic dinosaur. "

>

> McDonald's remains the most potent symbol of the freedoms for

> which the American troops have been fighting these past few

> weeks. The freedom of choice to have the same food served by the

> same corporation in every high street in the world. The only

> minor rules are that any employees attempting to form a union

> will be instantly sacked, any workers attempting to speak out

> against the corporation will be hit with massive lawsuits, and if

> you haven't got chronic acne, well, don't even think about

> applying for a job.

>

> The fast food mentality has spread to everything. US foreign

> policy is quick and easy and don't think about the consequences.

> " Big Mac to go. Fries to go. United Nations to go. " And despite

> closing hundreds of outlets in the west, McDonald's is still

> seeking to expand in the third world. Soon there will be very few

> cities in the world without vanilla shake splattered across the

> pavement. The west has got wise, so let's force the stuff down

> the throats of the rest of the world.

>

> So that's what this war was all about. Opening soon:

> McDonald's Restaurant, Al-Takhrir Square, Baghdad. Surely the

> Iraqis have suffered enough?

>

> comment

>

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[Guest guest]

Very amusing Graham - it's good they are not doing too well - long may it

last.

 

Jo

 

 

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