(No subject)

[Guest guest]

I am writing this because I don't know what else to do, and perhaps

because I need help.

 

I am vegan, I chose this because when I was young someone showed me

what happened in factory farms, and I was curious, as well as

horrified, as to what happens in them. So I found out more, and

decided to become vegetarian, and then became vegan.

 

This was not a problem at first, although I got a bit of stick from

other people. But problems started: I am an only child, I have

always had problems socialising or integrating into groups. I

overcame this in my teenage years, but when I decided to become

vegan I gradually withdrew again. This was not directly because of

being vegan, on the contrary, some people were interested in me

being vegan, and this involved me with other people. Of course there

were critics, but that is bound to happen. But I now feel completely

apart from people in my everyday life.

 

Perhaps the problem is that the more I found out what isn't

publicised to the public eye, the more I chose to find out more. Not

just about the animals, but what happens in third world countries,

in prisons, and the large scale planetary effects of global

businesses and corporations.

 

I've got a vivid imagination, which although when I was younger I

would use for creative purposes, has been scarred and irreversibly

replaced by acknowledgement of what is happening behind closed doors

and in other places that I do not see.

 

I have been involved with people who smoke pot, like many teenagers

do, and have seen the underground culture of the place I live in,

I've listened to alternative music, and read literarature from

alternative sources, if this is the way of putting it. But I have

always preferred to be part of mainstream society, because that is

how I grew up, I had a mostly comfortable and secure upbringing with

a lot of love, some of the people I have met in the margins of

society have not had this, and their rebellion towards the norm is

perhaps understandable.

 

But without the structure of society I feel insecure, maybe because

of my upbringing, and in any case have not the charisma or strength

of character to be against what is expected of eg the government;

the old woman over the road who has worked all her life; the

salesperson in the newsagent, the people who work in public

services; to be against whatever a `citizen' is supposed to be. I

don't feel its right, even though the organisations in charge of all

this are all `in league' with those that torture and maim animals;

that use third world country resources because of the cheaper cost

of living over there; and that respect those multinational

corporations that usurp all areas of the global economy and ecology

for profit.

 

So I have tried to be part of it all. I've had jobs in various

places, continued conventional education, even watched TV even

though I dislike it to try and understand what goes on in people's

heads and what the `average person' indulges in. This has meant that

while doing so I inevitably have to ignore part of myself, that part

that knows what really happens.

 

But I am finding it hard to keep on doing this. I don't know if this

happens to anyone else, but sometimes, especially when trying to

socialise with `respectable' people with careers or jobs, students,

but also those not part of society that I mentioned above, I get a

horrible form of paranoia: something that is possibly `evil' inside

me is screaming: " THEY ATE PIG FOR BREAKFAST " , or " THEIR BODY IS

COMPOSED OF THE REMNANTS OF INNOCENT ANIMALS THAT HAVE BEEN LOCKED

UP AND TORTURED " , although it doesn't express itself as words within

my head, more as a feeling or emotion, which is one of the aspects

of it which worries me. And things turn upside down.

 

Other times the paranoia expresses itself as a fear: of all these

buildings that we all live in, the technology; the institutions; the

conveniences; which are alright in themselves, but their very

existence is due to the advent of capitalism, money, and the co-

ordination of scores of people who have thrived, and survived,

almost unanimously, by eating meat and dairy (sometimes I shrug this

off as a silly thought, but it is overwhelming and defeating).

 

And money: even though they say it is `the root of all evil', and I

am usually suspicious of sayings like that, in this case I would

agree. Or rather the inverse as well: evil is also the root of

money: in this world of mainly meat and dairy eaters, the source of

almost any coin or note, or whatever it is paid towards, can be

traced down to, or will cause, the killing, abuse, or maiming, of an

animal. You buy anything from the average shop, chances are a

percentage of it will be spent on meat or dairy by those who will

profit from it. You earn money in the average job (I'm not talking

about specialised careers, but the sort of job that is available to

anyone), you will be a pawn in a process that will eventually or

inevitably involve some form of cruelty or injustice. Perhaps this

paragraph is irrelevant to what I am trying to say, I have no proof

and can't make such assumptions. They are assumptions that are based

on what I have experienced as of people I am aware of and on what

society is as I know it (eg: I used to have some (meat eating)

friends with whom I would go to the local `greasy spoon' in the

morning and would observe the countless people come and go who would

order what is known as an " early special " : fried egg on toast with

sausage, bacon and baked beans. These would be workers from all

kinds of different fields,, coming for breakfast, some would go

every day because of the cheapness of the price. Mcdonalds almost

pales in comparison to the number of small businesses that carry out

the same ruthless exploitations only on smaller, more numerous

levels.)

 

The apitomy of this fear/paranoia and what it boils down to, can be

summed up in what I went through today not long before writing this,

and which I have been through before, though not as intensely. I'd

had a particularly bad experience I can't and don't want to explain

but which could be summed up by everything I've just written, and

was scowling horribly and walking at a fast pace through the crowds

at of my local high street. People were staring at me, some would

try to get out of my way, some would intentionally get in my way. I

felt anger, turmoil and despair, there was nothing I could do but

hurry on, and couldn't wait to get home. Where I could hide. All the

time I was thinking something along the lines of " blood on your

hands, blood on your hands " (like the expression). But I couldn't

work out if it was me, or everyone else. I was actually on the verge

of feeling guilty for everything everyone else had done.

 

I believe there's no use thinking how society might have been if we

had evolved as herbivores, whether we'd still have invented

everything we have done, whether we'd still have culture,

technology, society, inequality, oppression, cruelty and all the

other good and bad things that we know, because we have to face

reality. I also know there is precious little I can do as an

individual to change how everything is on a large scale. But my

shyness and being used to solitude and alienation prevents me from

integrating into anything I choose to integrate into, like meeting

other vegans, socialising, alternative cultures, joining pressure

groups, what have you; and my internal " spirit " , or " soul " prevents

me from accepting myself as a conformist or becoming a member of

society, a status which I would normally have accepted if I hadn't

prostrated myself to the grim facts of what we, as a species, are

doing.

 

I don't want to be a bad example of veganism to other people in my

community, but I can't help it. People I frequent know that I am

vegan. But my emotional and mental state is far from balanced,

leading me to do things I regret, which leads " normal " people to

look down upon me, and because of the complicated nature of my

turmoil, I cannot explain my divergences to them. The words " sinking

ship " are increasingly present in my mind, and I'm sick of

destroying my brain cells in order to be able to sleep at night.

 

This is a shout, I'm doing it in anynomity for personal reasons.

Sorry for subjecting you to it if you have read it, if anyone

replies I may not answer for anonymity's sake.

 

This possibly represents many vegans who are too scared to speak

out, I don't know. If so, I hope they find the courage to speak out.

 

What should I do? How should I cope? Are there vegans who feel an

integrated part of society, what do they think?

I felt I had to write this, because it is all getting too much, and

perhaps I felt I had to express something.

 

Anon