Guest guest Posted June 22, 2009 Report Share Posted June 22, 2009 I have to admit, I never used to care what my husband ate. I wasn't vegetarian when we met 15 years ago, but have been so now for nearly 10 years, mostly vegan for almost 2. (If there is egg in something I won't freak out, but I don't cook with or buy them at home.) My choice is one of compassion. I don't eat animals or use any beauty products that aren't animal friendly, etc etc. My husband, however, is not a vegetarian. He is smart enough to know better, and I am fairly sure he know what goes on in factory farms and chooses just to ignore it. We don't eat meat at home, but he orders it when we go to out to restaurants. I usually try not to judge other people's dietary choices because I grow really tired of people judging mine, but for the past few weeks I am having serious trouble with the idea that my husband chooses cruelty over compassion just because he likes they way meat tastes. Has anybody else dealt with feeling this way and what have you done about it? Dawn M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2009 Report Share Posted June 22, 2009 I can SOOOOOOOO relate! My situation is almost identical to yours. I've been so wishy-washy about the whole thing and frankly I feel good that he's eating SO VERY MUCH LESS meat than he did before we met. Because I don't cook it at home and he just almost never cooks for himself for some reason. Which is fine with me because that would be a whole other issue. But it really wasn't that much of an issue until we had a kid, and now he wants to share things with her like bacon when we go out to breakfast. It grosses me out so much! But here's where the wishy-washy comes in. He knows I really don't want her eating meat for such a large variety of reasons. Health is important, especially with my daughter. He even agrees she shouldn't eat much meat, he knows it's not good the way Americans do it. However, he just enjoys it so much. He wants to share it. So that just burns me because I'd rather she grew up not eating it. In the long run, I want her to come to not eating meat from her own heart. And she refuses a lot of meat that she's offered (but likes bacon darn it). But my in-laws, well-meaning though they are, and generally very respectful of my choices for her are so thrilled when they can share their (often cultural) dishes, (they are Chinese and I am a Whitey) with her. So I'm in in-between land. I'm trying to attack the situation mostly by being tolerant of other people's views (I hate holier-than-thou coming at me by religious, meat-eaters, you name it, so why should I think I can be that way without turning people off?) and trying to keep the information I have current. The links to kids books people have been posting here lately are all on my library hold-list or my Amazon cart. I bring the subject up pretty bluntly or better yet when my daughter (now 4 1/2) asks me a question I give her honest answers. I let my in-laws know that I am uncomfortable with her eating meat at all but that if she wants to try things once in a while I am not going to stop her. Because although I am against it for many moral and ethical reasons, as far as health reasons go I feel most things are ok in moderation. I also make sure that they know I research the nutrition that she needs on a regular basis and once in a while I will do a food diary to make sure she's getting what she needs. She always is, actually it's fairly easy (easier in my opinion) on a healthy vegetarian diet. So many opportunities for vitamins and minerals when you eat real food! I have to do this without sounding like I'm justifying anything though, but I think it's fair to reassure them, they are gaga over her after all. :-) So yeah it's frustrating when you, yourself embrace a major change wholeheartedly and it can be such a positive thing and really not such a difficult thing after a while, and your own dear spouse, your soul- mate, can have such a different attitude. My husband, like yours, knows what goes on in the meat industry, has seen and been impressed by global warming documentaries, etc etc etc. What gives? He likes it. It's frustrating to think that someone you care about so much could be SO selfish. Well this response was more of a venting, and thinking out loud. Maybe it's time we talked about it again. . . :-) good luck! Dee On Jun 22, 2009, at 9:58 AM, flwrchldme1971 wrote: > > > I have to admit, I never used to care what my husband ate. I wasn't > vegetarian when we met 15 years ago, but have been so now for nearly > 10 years, mostly vegan for almost 2. (If there is egg in something I > won't freak out, but I don't cook with or buy them at home.) > > My choice is one of compassion. I don't eat animals or use any > beauty products that aren't animal friendly, etc etc. > > My husband, however, is not a vegetarian. He is smart enough to know > better, and I am fairly sure he know what goes on in factory farms > and chooses just to ignore it. We don't eat meat at home, but he > orders it when we go to out to restaurants. > > I usually try not to judge other people's dietary choices because I > grow really tired of people judging mine, but for the past few weeks > I am having serious trouble with the idea that my husband chooses > cruelty over compassion just because he likes they way meat tastes. > > Has anybody else dealt with feeling this way and what have you done > about it? > > Dawn M > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2009 Report Share Posted June 22, 2009 Hi Dawn, I'm sure a lot of people in this group will be able to commiserate with you! My advice is to see " Food, Inc. " together, if it comes to your area or rent it when it comes out on DVD. Everyone who eats meat should see it. It's well done. It's not a vegetarian movie, though. I was disappointed that they never showed organic veggie farms or spoke about giving up animal products all together, but maybe more people will see it because of this reason. If he still chooses to eat meat (or a lot of it) after seeing this movie (or the many others w/ a more veggie slant, then there's not much you can do, or at least that I can think of! http://www.foodincmovie.com/ Good luck, Tracy On Jun 22, 2009, at 9:58 AM, flwrchldme1971 wrote: > > > I have to admit, I never used to care what my husband ate. I wasn't > vegetarian when we met 15 years ago, but have been so now for > nearly 10 years, mostly vegan for almost 2. (If there is egg in > something I won't freak out, but I don't cook with or buy them at > home.) > > My choice is one of compassion. I don't eat animals or use any > beauty products that aren't animal friendly, etc etc. > > My husband, however, is not a vegetarian. He is smart enough to > know better, and I am fairly sure he know what goes on in factory > farms and chooses just to ignore it. We don't eat meat at home, but > he orders it when we go to out to restaurants. > > I usually try not to judge other people's dietary choices because I > grow really tired of people judging mine, but for the past few > weeks I am having serious trouble with the idea that my husband > chooses cruelty over compassion just because he likes they way meat > tastes. > > Has anybody else dealt with feeling this way and what have you done > about it? > > Dawn M > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2009 Report Share Posted June 22, 2009 I have defanantly felt the way you feel before. Although shortly after I made the permanent commitment to be vegetarian my " husband " saw the light and joined me. I feel comunication was key to his switch. There were times when I just wanted to say stop eating meat or I can't be around you anymore. I just made sure that I left VegNews in the bathroom and tried to clear out the other mags. on a regular bases. I also made it a point to talk about specific articles that I had read. One article imparticular comes to mind. It was about how vegetarians who don't have support are less likely to say with that life style. I think it mentioned the average span is only 3 years. I told him that I really needed to feel that he fully supported my disision and that he could back me no matter what. The thing that finally changed his view point was an article in VegNews with Mike Gordon from Phish. It basically stated that he was sapposed to go and watch meet your meat w/ some friends and never did make it to the viewing. But it got him thinking about all the ways people were negatively affecting animals, and he never ate meat again. Brandon only ate meat one time after reading that article. He felt awful about it. He did it out of habit and stopped as soon as he realised what he was doing. Now we both take delight in telling all the animals we see (especially the ones in trucks on the road) that we truely love them and would never harm them. Which comes up quite often because we live in the midwest. Since he sees the benifits of being vegetarian maybe you could talk him into a challenge of cutting it out little by little saving his favorite for last. I cut down over the matter of a few years. The less meat I ate the better I felt, and the more it reafermed my choice. The last thing I ave up was sea food, Brandon's was chicken. Let him know that it isn't like he won't miss those things, but the feeling you get is so much better. It is a life time of health and happiness compaired to the 10 minutes it takes him to injest the meat and feel bloted and uncomfortable. Best of luck. I know we all support you here! Namaste Amity , " flwrchldme1971 " <a_new_dawn wrote: > > I have to admit, I never used to care what my husband ate. I wasn't vegetarian when we met 15 years ago, but have been so now for nearly 10 years, mostly vegan for almost 2. (If there is egg in something I won't freak out, but I don't cook with or buy them at home.) > > My choice is one of compassion. I don't eat animals or use any beauty products that aren't animal friendly, etc etc. > > My husband, however, is not a vegetarian. He is smart enough to know better, and I am fairly sure he know what goes on in factory farms and chooses just to ignore it. We don't eat meat at home, but he orders it when we go to out to restaurants. > > I usually try not to judge other people's dietary choices because I grow really tired of people judging mine, but for the past few weeks I am having serious trouble with the idea that my husband chooses cruelty over compassion just because he likes they way meat tastes. > > Has anybody else dealt with feeling this way and what have you done about it? > > Dawn M > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2009 Report Share Posted June 22, 2009 I have to second what Jacqueline says here about judging. I find so many vegans, esp vegan women and moms, to be apologetic for their choice to not participate in the torture and slaughter of animals. I find people to be apologetic or as another writer wrote " wishy washy " , in a way that they would not be about teaching their kids not to be racist or anti-semitic or something. It is okay to feel strongly that our offspring should not participate in the torture and slaughter of animals either, and to make that choice for them while they are too young to make their own choices. My best advice to someone with a non vegan spouse (esp in the case where you made the transition to veganism AFTER being married) is to first of all be patient, and second of all, continue to educate him as best you can. Expose him to as many books, movies, etc as you can. Visit places like Farm Sanctuary together. This is not to be done as some sort of " conversion mission, " because that is likely to make a person more resistant. But the thing is, you have truth on your side. It is a fact that what goes on farms and slaughterhouses is horrific, and most all people who are exposed to it agree that it is unacceptably cruel. And then you provide the delightful alternative of veganism. It is definitely much harder to raise kids vegan with a non veg husband, and it might ultimately have to be a decision your kids make when they are older, if they are being " exposed " to meat eating right now. _____ On Behalf Of Jacqueline Bodnar Monday, June 22, 2009 3:49 PM RE: Anyone else " disappointed " in Omni- Spouses? Dawn, You are in a tough spot, that is for sure. I am fortunate in that my husband and I see eye to eye on the issue and are both ethical vegetarians. I could not be married to someone that was not because it is such a big part of who I am, how I see the world, etc. It says a lot about people if they are not on that level of understanding and compassion. Just like I couldn't be married to a crack head, bank robber, or child molester, I can't be married to somone that eats meat. Each case presents a lifestyle choice that I don't want in my home. And don't worry about judging... to judge simply means to form an opinion. That is a good thing. If you don't form opinions you have apathy. And apathy is what is hurting the world so much. Judging is not a bad thing, yet people have given it a bad reputation. We all judge on a daily basis. It is what keeps us safe, alive, etc. Best of luck. Jacqueline Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 8.5.339 / Virus Database: 270.12.83/2191 - Release 06/22/09 06:54:00 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 24, 2009 Report Share Posted June 24, 2009 Amity, I just have to comment because I find it interesting that someone else does something similar to me! I commute half an hour each way on the interstate, also in the Midwest, and sometimes see a dozen animal transport trucks on each trip. It's distressing, sometimes overwhelming in fact, but as I pass them I always beam my good thoughts towards the animals. Now I'll know I'm not alone in doing that. Thank you. Heather , " havingagreatfulday " <havingagreatfulday wrote: > > Now we both take delight in telling all the animals we see (especially the ones in trucks on the road) that we truely love them and would never harm them. Which comes up quite often because we live in the midwest. > > Namaste > Amity > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Sorry about the lateness of this reply- I've literally been spending 2 minutes at a time on it and then saving it to draft. Time to finish and get it out of my hair! I, too am married to an omni. He is mostly veg at home (I do 99% of the cooking) and mostly veg out, too. I would call his meat consumption 'occasional' at best. His big sticking points are chicken and fish. I was a veg (and for close to ten years) when we met some 12 years ago. I did have some reservations about being with someone who eats meat, but really the things I had to make sure of were a) is he 100% supportive and respectful of my being veg, including not trying to sneak meat past me, speaking of vegetarians in a derogatory manner, etc, and b) once we had kids, would I be comfortable that he would not try to get them to eat meat (I had an ex who I would NOT have trusted to do that). On both counts, an enthusiastic yes. I think your situation is a bit different than mine in the respect that you decided to become veg after you met/married. Personally, I think getting on the moral/ethical high horse in regards to this issue is not the right way to go- it smacks of condescension. Condescension rarely, if ever, convinces anyone of anything, which I'm assuming is your ultimate goal- to win him over to the veg lifestyle. I'm not saying you do this; I'm just putting it out there, as they say. I would urge you to put yourself in his position. If he were to become Catholic (or whatever) during the course of your marriage, and was 100% sure that HIS decision was the best in terms of morals and ethics, how would you want him to treat you? Respectfully, and as an intelligent adult, I would suppose. It seems easy for us to wonder how in the heck anyone armed with the knowledge of how meat is 'obtained' could make the decision to eat it, but there are others who express their concern for animals in ways we can't relate to and who probably wonder the same about us. The show 'Whale Wars' comes to mind. Here are a group of people who give up months per year of their lives to patrol the oceans, trying to harass the Japanese whaling fleet out of harpooning whales. Arguably, they are really on the frontline of saving animals- in a very direct and dangerous way that precious few of us are willing to take on. I wonder, just about every time I watch that show, how many of the crew are vegetarians. I certainly don't feel qualified to criticize them if they're not veg, given their chosen occupation, or hobby, or whatever it is. As for our kids, I tell them (when they ask, on occasion) that 'Daddy is a big boy', and he gets to decide what he eats, just like THEY will have to make those decisions when they are adults. We do give him a bit of a hard time when he eats meat, making clucking noises or fishy faces, but it's done with an air of humor and not in a cruel or mocking way (although we are a sarcastic family on occasion). Sorry about the lengthy reply, but I do get bothered by my husband's choice, just like you do. Ultimately, I think, we each have a (hopefully small) collection of complaints about our spouses. Personally, I make the choice to look past this one issue and focus on the fact that he's such a great provider, a great dad, and a terrific husband. I do get a little bit of satisfaction knowing that whenever he does eat meat, he gets a terrible stomach ache (bad me), but I'm certainly not perfect and would hope that he can look past my flaws in the same way. j. ________________________________ flwrchldme1971 <a_new_dawn Monday, June 22, 2009 9:58:06 AM Anyone else " disappointed " in Omni- Spouses? I have to admit, I never used to care what my husband ate. I wasn't vegetarian when we met 15 years ago, but have been so now for nearly 10 years, mostly vegan for almost 2. (If there is egg in something I won't freak out, but I don't cook with or buy them at home.) My choice is one of compassion. I don't eat animals or use any beauty products that aren't animal friendly, etc etc. My husband, however, is not a vegetarian. He is smart enough to know better, and I am fairly sure he know what goes on in factory farms and chooses just to ignore it. We don't eat meat at home, but he orders it when we go to out to restaurants. I usually try not to judge other people's dietary choices because I grow really tired of people judging mine, but for the past few weeks I am having serious trouble with the idea that my husband chooses cruelty over compassion just because he likes they way meat tastes. Has anybody else dealt with feeling this way and what have you done about it? Dawn M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Hello Everyone! I also have a meat-eater for a spouse! Our household is pretty peaceful, however, and I think there are a couple of reasons why. The first is that I was a vegetarian for THIRTEEN YEARS before I decided to become vegan. During that time I got used to eating veggie-based meals. Meanwhile, we have only been married for three years, and he comes from a distinctly meat & potatoes background. I try to remind myself that it took a long time for me to arrive at my " vegan place " and he hasn't been on the journey nearly as long as I have. The second is that while I am passionate about animal rights and my ethical veganism, it is something I keep very private (not out of shame or anything like that). I approach this in the same way I approach religion- that if someone asks me questions about it, I will tell them ANYTHING, but if they don't ask, I don't typically share it. I have been put-off by a lot of " in your face " tactics with regards to religion and other ideals, and can see how easy it would be for someone to discount veganism if I march up to them and spout of information about how their meat came to be. Before choosing to be vegan I read/watched/learned everything I could related to animal rights (still learning and reading!!!), but that was my choice. There were definitely times when I would be so upset that hubby would ask about what I was learning and I would share it with him, but again, I believe that is his own journey to take. Sometimes I wish he was as interested as I am, but I can't force it on him. The third is that there is an incredible amount of respect in our relationship. He knows how important veganism is to me, and respects that at home. Though he likes meat, he does not cook it or eat it in our home. He is happy to use products that are cruelty-free and even buys them on his own. He has a huge heart, and regularly donates to farm sanctuary ( www.farmsanctuary.org) and other animal rights organizations. He is making an effort~ in the past 6 months he has stopped eating pork products (and bacon was his absolute favorite) and even being deployed is eating vegetarian meals the majority of the time. I hope none of this came across as " preachy " or anything like that, I just wanted to share my experience. Sometimes I feel like a " bad vegan " because I don't get more upset with my husband's decisions, but in reality, I think he's doing alright. And because he has a wonderful heart, I know that he will eventually join me. Kerri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 I agree with you Kerri, and the previous post I just read too, passive activism can be very effective. I also was vegetarian since I was 16 so I was pretty far along when I met my husband in my mid-20s. We didn't really discuss it though as it pertained to our future because we never expected to want to have kids. That happened in my mid-30s. :-) So we probably should have ironed it out at that time but it didn't seem like it would be a problem. All told, he really does eat a LOT less meat than he used too, although he does tend to order it most of the time when we are out. Most of the time I can look past it but sometimes it really grosses me out. And when he has stomach issues (he seems to have a really sensitive stomach hmmm I wonder) and I don't after eating all the same stuff except. . . . well it's hard not to say constantly, I told you so. :-) But I am secretly hoping it helps, although most Americans seem pretty good at ignoring all the signals they are getting from their bodies. It is frustrating sometimes but that's life! I do keep hoping he'll come around some day. My parents (all 4, they are divorced and remarried) all went veggie too after I did (they were concerned about my health, so I gave them the book!) and my mom has always been very strict about it with my (meat-and -potatoes, farm-boy raised) stepdad. They decided together but he does sneak out to eat meat sometimes (my husband found that out). So I don't want that kind of relationship in my own home, there are enough things to stress over already. My dad, on the other hand, had a liver transplant a few years ago and he and my step-mom went back to eating meat, mostly on doctor's orders for my dad (yeah I know, but doctors who specialize like this, they don't want to research diet as well, the dummies) but I think they were both relieved to do it because they are kind of fad-eaters, trend-followers so I don't think they were committed that deeply in the first place. It was a good 10 years or so though. I'm still mourning that especially since my dad now relishes meat so obviously, he used to be on my side and now he almost shoves it in my face. I really feel like I don't deserve that since I have NEVER been the type to shove my own beliefs at people. *sigh* So you can't choose your parents but you can choose your husband and mine doesn't act like that at least. Well ok just venting here again, it really helps to know other people have similar issues though. Dee On Jun 25, 2009, at 8:02 AM, kerri myers wrote: > > > Hello Everyone! > > I also have a meat-eater for a spouse! Our household is pretty > peaceful, > however, and I think there are a couple of reasons why. > > The first is that I was a vegetarian for THIRTEEN YEARS before I > decided to > become vegan. During that time I got used to eating veggie-based > meals. > Meanwhile, we have only been married for three years, and he comes > from a > distinctly meat & potatoes background. I try to remind myself that > it took > a long time for me to arrive at my " vegan place " and he hasn't been > on the > journey nearly as long as I have. > > The second is that while I am passionate about animal rights and my > ethical > veganism, it is something I keep very private (not out of shame or > anything > like that). I approach this in the same way I approach religion- > that if > someone asks me questions about it, I will tell them ANYTHING, but > if they > don't ask, I don't typically share it. I have been put-off by a lot > of " in > your face " tactics with regards to religion and other ideals, and > can see > how easy it would be for someone to discount veganism if I march up > to them > and spout of information about how their meat came to be. Before > choosing > to be vegan I read/watched/learned everything I could related to > animal > rights (still learning and reading!!!), but that was my choice. > There were > definitely times when I would be so upset that hubby would ask about > what I > was learning and I would share it with him, but again, I believe > that is his > own journey to take. Sometimes I wish he was as interested as I am, > but I > can't force it on him. > > The third is that there is an incredible amount of respect in our > relationship. He knows how important veganism is to me, and respects > that > at home. Though he likes meat, he does not cook it or eat it in our > home. He is happy to use products that are cruelty-free and even > buys them > on his own. He has a huge heart, and regularly donates to farm > sanctuary ( > www.farmsanctuary.org) and other animal rights organizations. He is > making > an effort~ in the past 6 months he has stopped eating pork products > (and > bacon was his absolute favorite) and even being deployed is eating > vegetarian meals the majority of the time. > > I hope none of this came across as " preachy " or anything like that, > I just > wanted to share my experience. Sometimes I feel like a " bad vegan " > because > I don't get more upset with my husband's decisions, but in reality, > I think > he's doing alright. And because he has a wonderful heart, I know > that he > will eventually join me. > > Kerri > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 I feel for everyone who has these issues. There are so many other obstacles to making a marriage work, I cannot imagine not having a spouse who kills/eats animals. It would literally kill me. In fact, it is so important to me and who I am and the values that I want to instill in my children, that I can almost certainly say that I could not stay with my husband if he had some sudden change of heart. I guess that seems horrible, but I also wouldn't stay with him if he were to kill a person.... Luckily though I was vegan before getting married and knew that I could only marry someone with my values, so hopefully we're safe. I will say that my husband is a convert only since having met me. Now I don't think that I was (or am) that pushy vegan that everyone refers to, but whom I've never really met. However, I do let people know who I am and why...when the time is right. Jill --- On Thu, 6/25/09, kerri myers <4lilpups wrote: kerri myers <4lilpups Re: Anyone else " disappointed " in Omni- Spouses? Thursday, June 25, 2009, 3:02 PM Hello Everyone! I also have a meat-eater for a spouse! Our household is pretty peaceful, however, and I think there are a couple of reasons why. The first is that I was a vegetarian for THIRTEEN YEARS before I decided to become vegan. During that time I got used to eating veggie-based meals. Meanwhile, we have only been married for three years, and he comes from a distinctly meat & potatoes background. I try to remind myself that it took a long time for me to arrive at my " vegan place " and he hasn't been on the journey nearly as long as I have. The second is that while I am passionate about animal rights and my ethical veganism, it is something I keep very private (not out of shame or anything like that). I approach this in the same way I approach religion- that if someone asks me questions about it, I will tell them ANYTHING, but if they don't ask, I don't typically share it. I have been put-off by a lot of " in your face " tactics with regards to religion and other ideals, and can see how easy it would be for someone to discount veganism if I march up to them and spout of information about how their meat came to be. Before choosing to be vegan I read/watched/ learned everything I could related to animal rights (still learning and reading!!!), but that was my choice. There were definitely times when I would be so upset that hubby would ask about what I was learning and I would share it with him, but again, I believe that is his own journey to take. Sometimes I wish he was as interested as I am, but I can't force it on him. The third is that there is an incredible amount of respect in our relationship. He knows how important veganism is to me, and respects that at home. Though he likes meat, he does not cook it or eat it in our home. He is happy to use products that are cruelty-free and even buys them on his own. He has a huge heart, and regularly donates to farm sanctuary ( www.farmsanctuary. org) and other animal rights organizations. He is making an effort~ in the past 6 months he has stopped eating pork products (and bacon was his absolute favorite) and even being deployed is eating vegetarian meals the majority of the time. I hope none of this came across as " preachy " or anything like that, I just wanted to share my experience. Sometimes I feel like a " bad vegan " because I don't get more upset with my husband's decisions, but in reality, I think he's doing alright. And because he has a wonderful heart, I know that he will eventually join me. Kerri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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