800 open relationship members??

Posted November 2, 2005 · November 2, 2005

that all depends on the person and his/her partners

i don't think any poly relationship is exactly like another....

i've had both poly and open relationships...

when rebecca and i first started seeing each other, i had several other

gurlfriends...

slowly..it just became me and her exclusive...

will it stay that way?

*shrug*

dunno...

we are happy together...

but we have a very fluid and open relationship...and neither of us

likes..um...conventionality to much

wotever happens...happens

cheers

fraggle

heartwerk <jo.heartwork

Nov 1, 2005 11:53 PM

Re: 800 members??

Hi Anouk

I can understand your parents point of view, and assume that they

want what they consider to be the best for you. If they are happy in

a one-to-one exclusive relationship, as I am, it would be hard to

imagine that anything other situation could be as good for their

children.

I know it would not suit me. I love Colin very, very much. I would

not be able to share him. I would rather be resigned to not having

him at all than sharing him - that would prolong the agony for me -

but I guess everyone is different.

My own wonderings on poly relationships is whether sometimes a person

may become involved because they love ~one~ person who is already in

a relationship, and although it might not be ideal for them, they

feel it is better than nothing. Is it possible to love two or more

people in a sexual way equally - or doesn't it matter to the

participants? Do people in poly relationships always remain in poly

relationships or do some of them eventually become exclusive - and

does this cause hurt to the rest of the group? So many questions.

Anyway - it is none of my business, but I am always interested in

people.

Jo

, " Anouk Sickler " <zurumato@e...>

wrote:

>

> <jonnie_hellens> wrote:

> > Hi Alex. I remember you mentioned on another post that you have

> multible partners. I'm assuming that is relationship partners? If

> so, I'm wondering (and I think there are others here that also might

> be able to answer) how work is divided.

>

> That's easy

> the girl

> is like a princess and the two guys just please her

> just kidding!!

>

> I have an open mind, but if I were to engage in lifelstyle

> that is not the mainstream, I would have to work hard

> to keep it a secret.

> unfortunatley

> it is sad but my family and relatives are real judgemental

> of any behaviour outside the norm, (heavily catholic)

> and so If I where to venture outside of a normal marriage

> or even before I met my husband..

> I fear that there disapproval would be too much..especially

> my mothers.

> although sometimes I don't care and I shock them with things that

> I say.

> I trie to tell them as little

> about the " real me " as possible, Just to maintain my privacy.

>

> In the past whenever I have oppened up to them, they were just

> not accepting.

> sad but true.

> Distance is good.

>

To send an email to -

Posted November 2, 2005 · November 2, 2005

I agree with fraggle on the individuality of poly relationships (or

indeed any relationships! I also believe no two monogamous

relationships are the same usually although there is more of a dominant

discourse and therefore 'rules', etc.)

Personally, I have been poly for six years. My life partner, Mike, is

actually mainly monogamous. He shares the principles but, in his own

words, is 'too lazy and lacks emotional depth' to bother with other

partners :-) Currently, I only live with him. If I ever decided to live

with another partner as well, which might well happen at some point, I

figure we would all have to sit down and work out logistics. I imagine

housework would be done as it is now, according to ability, time and

preferences. As long as everyone feels they are contributing in some

ways and not put upon, it should work, as indeed it does for other poly

households I know. I think that sharing similar values and beliefs when

living together is far more important than who does the dishes :-)

I hear what you are saying about family Anouk. I was born and raised in

Italy, in a catholic family and my mother is Sicilian. My life choices

are not exactly what my family dreamt for me :-) I suppose that I

'disappointed' my family well before coming out as poly by being out as

queer (lesbian for a few years, then accepting my bisexuality, which

was actually harder to face in some ways) and then as a witch. Not

baptising my daughter is probably a far worse crime for my mother than

having multiple partners! I am not saying it's easy to be out to my

family and friends about my choices. I just cannot live a life of

secrecy and I certainly don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that

there is anything wrong with my life choices or who I am and that's why

I am out. Other people are not and I respect their right not to be as

open.

Jo, you ask some good questions and I would be very happy to chat about

this face to face sometime, if you like. For now, I'd say that for me

it is possible to love more than one person. In fact most people love

more than one person usually but they might just have sex with one

person. I suppose I personally do not believe that I have to be

sexually exclusive with one person or that I cannot have meaningful

relationships with more than one person. I am a jealous person and it

is not always easy to deal with issues such as insecurity, envy about

time spent with other people, etc. However, it is the work of a

lifetime. Knowing myself in all of my parts is my job both as a witch

and a nearly qualified therapist. Being poly is challenging at times

but it has also helped me to face many of my own demons. For me, being

poly is also a political, as well as a personal issue. It means I can

be more visibly queer despite living with a man and also that I can

challenge institutions such as marriage, which are often used by

society to promote a heteronormative discourse, that is values that

privilege heterosexual, monogamous relationships above all others.

Relationships, which, sadly, often (not always!) reinforce gender

division and stereotyping (not long ago marriage was a way to control

women and property!). Having said that, I think monogamy is as

wonderful a choice as polyamory or indeed as any shades in between the

two. You and Colin having something great together, which is very

obvious meeting you. I believe that I too have strong relationships

with my partners, although sadly I am not always able to express my

love opnely in order to respect their right to privacy.

Finally (and I apologise as this has become a long post but it is a

subject close to my heart), yes, some people happen to be in poly

relationships because they fall in love with one person. Mike would

probably not be in a poly relationship if I weren't poly. Does that

mean I am 'imposing' my life style on him? Some of our acquaintances

have suggested that in the past. I think it just means that he is in

love and wants to be with me. He accepts who I am just as I have to

accept his choice of wanting only one child, whereas I would love more.

Relationships are what is created by the people involved. In the

immortal words of one of my favourites films, Bound, 'we make our own

choices, pay our own prices'. Other people have in the past decided not

to have a relationship with me because of my polyness. I have also

decided not to have relationships with people in the past because of

other incompatibilities (the most basic, smoking as I am a non-smoker).

I suppose we know what we can and cannot live with when we love

someone. Being in a relationship is always a step into the unknown to a

certain degree, whether the relationship is mono or poly.

Oh hum, I have waffled on the topic more than enough! Sorry. I hope

some of it makes sense as my head is woolly today but I thought it was

important to try and share some of my thoughts :-)

BB

AlexOn 02/11/05, fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote: