Guest guest Posted May 3, 2004 Report Share Posted May 3, 2004 I have found myself chuckling as I have read the posts about what to do with uncooperative spouses (pertaining to diet). When I first began making changes...20+ years ago...My woulds have called me a 'fanatic' in the area of diet. From my perspective, if I were going to do this, I was going to do it right (or at least how I thought was right...which often wasn't right as we weren't as certain what was right back then!) My hubby was not a happy camper with my attitude of bringing my family on line. I could have gotten away with refusing to cook for him since he worked long hours and often did not get home until after the children and I had our dinner. Yet, I still cooked his favorite food for him when he got home...sometimes as late as 9pm. For many of those early years, he traveled with his job. Because my marriage started suffering when I tried to change my husband, I did something very simple...I prayed to know how to convert my husband to my way of thinking. After all, God certainly was on my side! The thought that came into my mind floored me! I was impressed with the thought that not only should I NOT try to convert my spouse to my way of eating but I should feed him exactly as he wanted to be fed and do it graciously! I could eat what I wanted. I was so stunned that I asked 'why?'. The following thoughts came into my mind. 1. I did not know with 100% certainty that my understanding of this diet was correct. If it were the best diet for me, he would see the consequences and decide for himself if he wanted to try it for himself. 2. I did not know what was the perfect diet for my husband since I did not live in his body. Even if I did know the perfect diet for my husband, I did not have the right to compel him to eat that diet. 3. Compulsion is not God's way. If God is allowing me to choose for myself, I must allow my husband to choose for himself. If I did not like my husband's choices, I had two choices: stay and accept him 'as is' or divorce him. What I did not have the right to do was stay and complain or refuse to fulfill whatever wifely role we had agreed upon when we married! since I was a stay-at-home mom, one of my duties was to cook a good meal for my husband in the evening. I asked more questions and learned the following. I could teach my children what I was doing and prepare their meals in such a way as to encourage them to experiment with my choice. When they were not at home or could make a choice, I was not to interfere with their right to make a personal dietary choice. It is now 20 years later. My husband PAID almost $20,000 for me to get my education in holistic nutrition and alternative health AFTER he saw the good it did in my life. My adult children make some good and some bad choices. However, they do not rebel against healthy food nor do they prefer junk food. They can (and do) discuss healthy food choices with their spouses and friends. I have often been amazed at the breath of their understanding. they learned far more than I realized. My husband has seen the benefit of my choices and encourages me to do what feels right for me. He still does not want to make changes...but that's okay. If he can accept me 'as is', I can accept him 'as is'. If he dies before me, I want to remember our good times together...even the bad but deliciously decadent meals I prepared for him...just to bring a smile to his face! If I die before him, I want him to remember me as the woman who spoiled and pampered him..not the woman who withheld his favorite foods or compelled him to follow my way in something as emotional as food. Life is short...those of us who are over 50 know this only too well. Fifty years from now it will not matter whether or not I ate a perfect diet. Nor will it matter whether or not my spouse and children ate a perfect diet while I was alive! What will live on are the emotional memories of our interactions with each other and respect for each other. If some of you can convince your spouse to eat as you want both of you to eat and can do this in a manner that brings you together (not tears you apart)...go for it. For the rest of us...get a grip! Focus on what you do have in common, rejoice in the good times you share...find pleasure in giving your spouse the emotional comfort food s/he loves and let the rest of the garbage (even the garbage of healthy eating) get thrown out with the trash. I know I sound irrational to many who have made the difficult choice to eat an all raw diet... but life is too short! When I got sick, had to have open lung surgery, and was incapacitated for about 6 months, it was my loving husband who took care of me, did the wash, took me out to eat (he hates to cook), coddled me and made me realize that I was the center of his world. All my dietary changes (which included eating 90% raw food until I was 100% fruitarian for 5 months) could not prevent my getting formaldehyde poisoning. Some things are simply out of our control. But I could control how I showed my respect for my husband! During our 28 years of marriage, I drastically changed my diet, switched to alternative medicine, and changed my religion. In none of these did I insist my husband follow in my footsteps. He did not like any of these changes but, because I respected his right not to change, he respected my right to change. Now he is comfortable with my 'eccentricities' (which is what he calls my 'changes'). I wouldn't change a thing. I have seen too many marriages ended by one spouse refusing to accept the other 'as is'. As I have aged and learned how little control I have over life, I have learned to laugh with life...not take it so seriously. Just a little side note....when I was most struggling with maintaining a raw diet, I would cook wonderful meals for my husband, take a bite (say 'ugh') and then thank my husband for this opportunity to remember why I was eating as I was eating. He would laugh and enjoy his meal! mary --- nina vitus <ninavitus wrote: > Mary Ellen, > > I'm having trouble understanding some of the > dynamics of your marriage. Why > is it your husband won't " let you feed him healthy " ? > Do you work outside > the home? I ask because the dynamics change some > when a woman is totally > dependent on a man for food and shelter. > > Course, I have trouble understanding why women have > to cook for their > husbands at all, if both are working. Even if the > woman stays home and > raises the kids, that is still working. To me, if I > believed that certain > foods were poisoning my husband, then I couldn't in > good conscience continue > to feed him those things. ....especially if he is > unhealthy. If its my job > to cook or prepare meals, then I am the one in > charge of it and my husband > doesn't get to tell me how to do it. He can be > certain that I will do my > job to the very best of my ability with the health > and well-being of my > family in mind. I cannot force him to eat healthy, > that's his choice > entirely, but I won't be forced to participate in > his self-destructive > behavior. If he wants it done a particular way, > then maybe HE ought to do > it that way. (I'm speaking of my husband) I > wouldn't continue buying > alcohol for an alcoholic UNLESS he was in immediate > danger of dying from > detox (which can happen). I would tell my husband > that I just can't eat > that way and I won't fix his....but if he would like > to eat what I am fixing > for myself, I would be happy to fix his dinner as > well. Course, my husband > would continue to provide grocery money and find a > way to fix his own food > if I said that to him.....fortunately he is good > natured enough to eat > whatever I'm fixing and be happy that he doesn't > have to fix it himself. > What I'm just trying to say is that the two of you > have different ideas > about how to eat, so each of you should just take > care of yourself and let > the other do what they want. I don't force you to > eat what I prepare and > you don't force me to prepare what you eat.....its a > simple > solution......maybe. > > Another suggestion, if you really can't do the > above, is to cook one day a > week for him and freeze dinners for him. You might > only have to fix 3 > different dinners and he can rotate those. > Bar-b-queing outdoors is > something some men like to do and that does keep the > smell out of the house. > > While I hardly have a good understanding of all the > different kinds of > relationships there are out there, I have concerns > about bossy or demanding > husbands and women who cater to it. If that > describes your relationship, > then you may benefit from some counciling. Please > understand I'm not > telling you that you do, because I don't really know > about your > relationship...... I'm just saying it could be a > possibility. > > I wish you the best.....let us know how you are > doing with this and if we > can support you in NOT cooking for your love. > > Warmly, > > Nina > > > *********** ******************** > > _______________ > Is your PC infected? Get a FREE online computer > virus scan from McAfee® > Security. > http://clinic.mcafee.com/clinic/ibuy/campaign.asp?cid=3963 > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2004 Report Share Posted May 4, 2004 Mary... This post was just amazing. I cant tell you how beautiful and inspiring I thought it was. Thank you so much. Angela mary <marymassung wrote: I have found myself chuckling as I have read the posts about what to do with uncooperative spouses (pertaining to diet). Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at HotJobs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2004 Report Share Posted May 4, 2004 Total agreement, Mary, love in its various forms is much more precious than the healthiest food, Katarína rawfood , mary <marymassung> wrote: > I have found myself chuckling as I have read the posts > about what to do with uncooperative spouses > (pertaining to diet). > > When I first began making changes...20+ years ago...My > woulds have called me a 'fanatic' in the area of diet. > From my perspective, if I were going to do this, I was > going to do it right (or at least how I thought was > right...which often wasn't right as we weren't as > certain what was right back then!) My hubby was not a > happy camper with my attitude of bringing my family on > line. I could have gotten away with refusing to cook > for him since he worked long hours and often did not > get home until after the children and I had our > dinner. Yet, I still cooked his favorite food for him > when he got home...sometimes as late as 9pm. For many > of those early years, he traveled with his job. > Because my marriage started suffering when I tried to > change my husband, I did something very simple...I > prayed to know how to convert my husband to my way of > thinking. After all, God certainly was on my side! The > thought that came into my mind floored me! > > I was impressed with the thought that not only should > I NOT try to convert my spouse to my way of eating but > I should feed him exactly as he wanted to be fed and > do it graciously! I could eat what I wanted. I was > so stunned that I asked 'why?'. The following > thoughts came into my mind. > > 1. I did not know with 100% certainty that my > understanding of this diet was correct. If it were > the best diet for me, he would see the consequences > and decide for himself if he wanted to try it for > himself. > 2. I did not know what was the perfect diet for my > husband since I did not live in his body. Even if I > did know the perfect diet for my husband, I did not > have the right to compel him to eat that diet. > 3. Compulsion is not God's way. If God is allowing me > to choose for myself, I must allow my husband to > choose for himself. If I did not like my husband's > choices, I had two choices: stay and accept him 'as > is' or divorce him. What I did not have the right to > do was stay and complain or refuse to fulfill whatever > wifely role we had agreed upon when we married! since > I was a stay-at-home mom, one of my duties was to cook > a good meal for my husband in the evening. > > I asked more questions and learned the following. I > could teach my children what I was doing and prepare > their meals in such a way as to encourage them to > experiment with my choice. When they were not at home > or could make a choice, I was not to interfere with > their right to make a personal dietary choice. > > It is now 20 years later. My husband PAID almost > $20,000 for me to get my education in holistic > nutrition and alternative health AFTER he saw the good > it did in my life. My adult children make some good > and some bad choices. However, they do not rebel > against healthy food nor do they prefer junk food. > They can (and do) discuss healthy food choices with > their spouses and friends. I have often been amazed at > the breath of their understanding. they learned far > more than I realized. My husband has seen the benefit > of my choices and encourages me to do what feels right > for me. He still does not want to make changes...but > that's okay. If he can accept me 'as is', I can > accept him 'as is'. If he dies before me, I want to > remember our good times together...even the bad but > deliciously decadent meals I prepared for him...just > to bring a smile to his face! If I die before him, I > want him to remember me as the woman who spoiled and > pampered him..not the woman who withheld his favorite > foods or compelled him to follow my way in something > as emotional as food. > > Life is short...those of us who are over 50 know this > only too well. Fifty years from now it will not > matter whether or not I ate a perfect diet. Nor will > it matter whether or not my spouse and children ate a > perfect diet while I was alive! What will live on > are the emotional memories of our interactions with > each other and respect for each other. > > If some of you can convince your spouse to eat as you > want both of you to eat and can do this in a manner > that brings you together (not tears you apart)...go > for it. For the rest of us...get a grip! Focus on > what you do have in common, rejoice in the good times > you share...find pleasure in giving your spouse the > emotional comfort food s/he loves and let the rest of > the garbage (even the garbage of healthy eating) get > thrown out with the trash. > > I know I sound irrational to many who have made the > difficult choice to eat an all raw diet... but life is > too short! When I got sick, had to have open lung > surgery, and was incapacitated for about 6 months, it > was my loving husband who took care of me, did the > wash, took me out to eat (he hates to cook), coddled > me and made me realize that I was the center of his > world. All my dietary changes (which included eating > 90% raw food until I was 100% fruitarian for 5 months) > could not prevent my getting formaldehyde poisoning. > Some things are simply out of our control. But I > could control how I showed my respect for my husband! > During our 28 years of marriage, I drastically changed > my diet, switched to alternative medicine, and changed > my religion. In none of these did I insist my husband > follow in my footsteps. He did not like any of these > changes but, because I respected his right not to > change, he respected my right to change. Now he is > comfortable with my 'eccentricities' (which is what he > calls my 'changes'). I wouldn't change a thing. I > have seen too many marriages ended by one spouse > refusing to accept the other 'as is'. > > As I have aged and learned how little control I have > over life, I have learned to laugh with life...not > take it so seriously. > > Just a little side note....when I was most struggling > with maintaining a raw diet, I would cook wonderful > meals for my husband, take a bite (say 'ugh') and then > thank my husband for this opportunity to remember why > I was eating as I was eating. He would laugh and > enjoy his meal! > > mary > > > > --- nina vitus <ninavitus@h...> wrote: > > Mary Ellen, > > > > I'm having trouble understanding some of the > > dynamics of your marriage. Why > > is it your husband won't " let you feed him healthy " ? > > Do you work outside > > the home? I ask because the dynamics change some > > when a woman is totally > > dependent on a man for food and shelter. > > > > Course, I have trouble understanding why women have > > to cook for their > > husbands at all, if both are working. Even if the > > woman stays home and > > raises the kids, that is still working. To me, if I > > believed that certain > > foods were poisoning my husband, then I couldn't in > > good conscience continue > > to feed him those things. ....especially if he is > > unhealthy. If its my job > > to cook or prepare meals, then I am the one in > > charge of it and my husband > > doesn't get to tell me how to do it. He can be > > certain that I will do my > > job to the very best of my ability with the health > > and well-being of my > > family in mind. I cannot force him to eat healthy, > > that's his choice > > entirely, but I won't be forced to participate in > > his self-destructive > > behavior. If he wants it done a particular way, > > then maybe HE ought to do > > it that way. (I'm speaking of my husband) I > > wouldn't continue buying > > alcohol for an alcoholic UNLESS he was in immediate > > danger of dying from > > detox (which can happen). I would tell my husband > > that I just can't eat > > that way and I won't fix his....but if he would like > > to eat what I am fixing > > for myself, I would be happy to fix his dinner as > > well. Course, my husband > > would continue to provide grocery money and find a > > way to fix his own food > > if I said that to him.....fortunately he is good > > natured enough to eat > > whatever I'm fixing and be happy that he doesn't > > have to fix it himself. > > What I'm just trying to say is that the two of you > > have different ideas > > about how to eat, so each of you should just take > > care of yourself and let > > the other do what they want. I don't force you to > > eat what I prepare and > > you don't force me to prepare what you eat.....its a > > simple > > solution......maybe. > > > > Another suggestion, if you really can't do the > > above, is to cook one day a > > week for him and freeze dinners for him. You might > > only have to fix 3 > > different dinners and he can rotate those. > > Bar-b-queing outdoors is > > something some men like to do and that does keep the > > smell out of the house. > > > > While I hardly have a good understanding of all the > > different kinds of > > relationships there are out there, I have concerns > > about bossy or demanding > > husbands and women who cater to it. If that > > describes your relationship, > > then you may benefit from some counciling. Please > > understand I'm not > > telling you that you do, because I don't really know > > about your > > relationship...... I'm just saying it could be a > > possibility. > > > > I wish you the best.....let us know how you are > > doing with this and if we > > can support you in NOT cooking for your love. > > > > Warmly, > > > > Nina > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > *********** ******************** > > > > > _______________ > > Is your PC infected? Get a FREE online computer > > virus scan from McAfee® > > Security. > > > http://clinic.mcafee.com/clinic/ibuy/campaign.asp?cid=3963 > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2004 Report Share Posted May 4, 2004 Hi there...I seemed to have missed this discussion...however I will agree that yes, Mary is definitely a " wisewoman " . But I must admit that I am in struggle with this myself. My DH is a junkfood addict and only listens to me when he " believes " he is ill. ie. cold or flu. He suffers with IBS and headaches. Rarely excerices and will pop " therma-pro " energy pills if he needs a boost. I would like to throw them out...but...well...I have to accept his choices and let him choose for himself. It makes me nuts to watch his health deteriate...and I hope and pray that he will take his health more seriously. (For I also believe in " quality " of life...) He has recently developed a burning sore on his arm, which I suspect is caused from candida. This he has allowed me to treat with herbs, however I know if he doesn't make conscious health changes, something else will " appear " . Cooking for him, is another story...hmmm...yes sometimes...but this is tough. And, it doesn't stop him from eating his junkfood...his body is starving...and I can " never " cook enough to satify his needs. Not to mention I am faced with temptation for myself. Is this " good " ? I know I need to rise above, and perhaps find a new approach...I do sometimes prepare raw gourmet, transitional dishes...however, I have hit a " learning curve " ...and that is where I am at... Donna DM (...who has discovered that avocados are not for everyone...nor is fasting...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 4, 2004 Report Share Posted May 4, 2004 Donna, For the past 20+ years, my husband only comes for my help AFTER he has exhausted all conventional medicine approaches. This is even though he paid for me to get all my degrees...go figure that one! I am glad he has a very strong constitution but I also am watching him age from poor health. The real irony is that, even being on supplemental oxygen and have significant lung damage from formaldehyde poisoning, I am stronger than he is! Even he is now starting to see this! (I can do a mean 'down dog' in yoga and stay in the tai chi horse stance for up to 10 minutes...fantastic considering I could barely walk a year ago!) I periodically ask him if he would like to make any changes. While he still answers 'no', he now encourages me to make whatever changes I feel necessary. He also has begun making a few of his own...on the sly! In the beginning, it was very hard to fix a meal for him that I could not eat. However, it made me face myself. Either I could do this on my own or I could not. A good friend did get her husband to join her. then, when he decided to be fruitarian, he tried to force her to do the same even though she was nursing a newborn baby. This marriage ended in a divorce because he could not allow her to modify her diet according to her needs while he modified his according to his needs. At that moment, I was glad my husband was not as 'eccentric' as I am! mary --- Donna <ddm_rhn wrote: > Hi there...I seemed to have missed this > discussion...however I will > agree that yes, Mary is definitely a " wisewoman " . > > But I must admit that I am in struggle with this > myself. My DH is a > junkfood addict and only listens to me when he > " believes " he is ill. > ie. cold or flu. He suffers with IBS and headaches. > Rarely excerices > and will pop " therma-pro " energy pills if he needs a > boost. I would > like to throw them out...but...well...I have to > accept his choices > and let him choose for himself. It makes me nuts to > watch his health > deteriate...and I hope and pray that he will take > his health more > seriously. (For I also believe in " quality " of > life...) He has > recently developed a burning sore on his arm, which > I suspect is > caused from candida. This he has allowed me to treat > with herbs, > however I know if he doesn't make conscious health > changes, something > else will " appear " . > > Cooking for him, is another story...hmmm...yes > sometimes...but this > is tough. And, it doesn't stop him from eating his > junkfood...his > body is starving...and I can " never " cook enough to > satify his needs. > Not to mention I am faced with temptation for > myself. Is this " good " ? > I know I need to rise above, and perhaps find a new > approach...I do > sometimes prepare raw gourmet, transitional > dishes...however, I have > hit a " learning curve " ...and that is where I am > at... > > > Donna DM > (...who has discovered that avocados are not for > everyone...nor is > fasting...) > > ===== Mary, Luvie, Ranger, & the flying brigade A smile is a silent 'hello'. owner of 'The Fully Trained Working Dog' 'Avian Health: Holistic Approach' 'Yoga for Therapy'. Win a $20,000 Career Makeover at HotJobs http://hotjobs.sweepstakes./careermakeover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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