Addiction is normal OR normality is addictive

November 7, 2004

Define ignorant: Ignoring ones experience and perception in leui of

something else.

Life is the most complicated thing I can imagine. There are no right

answers, depending on who you ask. And yet, there are consequences

to every action. And yet, we must be patient with ourselves and our

mistakes. And yet still, to learn is to change.

Why does it seem like such a burden to make a simple salad?

Sometimes just the idea of it overwhelmes me. I think its more than

just that one salad. Its the idea that a thousand salads must follow

for any noticable benefit. And suddenly Im ready to give up before

Ive left the couch!

Someone said, " One cooked meal wont kill you, and one salad wont

give you perfect health, " or something like that. But its that very

thought that scares me. " You mean I have to give up /fill in

blank/?!! "

I just ate some Ben & Jerrys ice cream, and I feel terrible. It was

a gift, and against my better judgement I accepted it. I know there

are raw alternatives. But its not the same... it doesnt give me my

FIX.

But I tell you this, I have never regreted a salad. Never. I do

regret the ice creams, and tend to feel the same with at least 80%

of cooked items I indulge in. I mean, some things dont feel so bad

to me, and I dont feel so bad about eating them. But some things -

like SUGAR - I should know better! Then theres all this pain in my

my gut and this jittery feeling, and mucous. That could just be the

dairy tho.

Ive fallen from 100% raw-vegan to about 50% raw vegetarian in less

than a month. It feels terrible. Dont try this at home.

Whatever doubts or skepticism I may carry about 100% raw-vegan may

still exist, and may still be valid for my self. But come on, man...

at least have some integrity to make an effort towards good health!

Just because the conflicting information and lack of effective

instinct is confusing doesnt mean I should go against what I do know

and just eat whatever might taste good.

I do have a memory. A year and a half ago I dropped out of college

in a fit of disillusionment, and headed for the wilderness where I

intended to live. I planned to eat only what grew from the earth. I

knew nothing of " Raw Foods " back then. I was still eating microwave

pasta and deli meats. But I *knew* something was right about what

Nature had to offer me.

Overall, that endevour didnt work out, tho I did begin another

journey, which eventually led me to the Raw Food Diet.

Unfortunately, somewhere in the mix, I lost that *knowing*. I became

confused again, and, more recently, again disillusioned. Now I dont

know what Im doing.

But I remember that feeling that eating Natures food was just

perfect. Maybe Im wrong, but I can never know that just by reading

books and reports and results. I need to be my own subject in a self-

designed experiment. I dont know if that constitutes forcing myself,

but if I have to force myself to cease slow suicide then so be it.

Eating crap doesnt make me happy, period. I want to stop. I want to

stop now.

November 8, 2004

I have that thought, too, to run away and live off the land... I even took a

wilderness survival course from Tom Brown at the Tracker school. I, too have

been trying for a healthy ideal, doing great, then plummeting to the other side.

(I once ate a gallon of ice cream one New Year's Eve with the excuse that I was

giving it up for good. I've gone 100% raw, given up this and that-alcohol, etc.

oh, well, bunches of times) I'm back to the salads again. I have to be now. I

have taken on the job of being a raw food preparer and inspiration for a woman

debilitated by MS. I find it helps me enormously to immerse myself in raw foods/

nutrition type reading.... keeps me on track. Still going through some sugar

addiction and feeling the results of bad food combining, and starting to work

through that. Life is the most complicated thing. Crazy crazy on so many

different levels and yeah, no black and white answers. You talk a lot like I

do. Nice to hear that out there. You're doing just

fine and I wish you the best of luck.

Kimberly

Jason <fractalbuddha wrote:

Define ignorant: Ignoring ones experience and perception in leui of

something else.

Life is the most complicated thing I can imagine. There are no right

answers, depending on who you ask. And yet, there are consequences

to every action. And yet, we must be patient with ourselves and our

mistakes. And yet still, to learn is to change.

Why does it seem like such a burden to make a simple salad?

Sometimes just the idea of it overwhelmes me. I think its more than

just that one salad. Its the idea that a thousand salads must follow

for any noticable benefit. And suddenly Im ready to give up before

Ive left the couch!

Someone said, " One cooked meal wont kill you, and one salad wont

give you perfect health, " or something like that. But its that very

thought that scares me. " You mean I have to give up /fill in

blank/?!! "

I just ate some Ben & Jerrys ice cream, and I feel terrible. It was

a gift, and against my better judgement I accepted it. I know there

are raw alternatives. But its not the same... it doesnt give me my

FIX.

But I tell you this, I have never regreted a salad. Never. I do

regret the ice creams, and tend to feel the same with at least 80%

of cooked items I indulge in. I mean, some things dont feel so bad

to me, and I dont feel so bad about eating them. But some things -

like SUGAR - I should know better! Then theres all this pain in my

my gut and this jittery feeling, and mucous. That could just be the

dairy tho.

Ive fallen from 100% raw-vegan to about 50% raw vegetarian in less

than a month. It feels terrible. Dont try this at home.

Whatever doubts or skepticism I may carry about 100% raw-vegan may

still exist, and may still be valid for my self. But come on, man...

at least have some integrity to make an effort towards good health!

Just because the conflicting information and lack of effective

instinct is confusing doesnt mean I should go against what I do know

and just eat whatever might taste good.

I do have a memory. A year and a half ago I dropped out of college

in a fit of disillusionment, and headed for the wilderness where I

intended to live. I planned to eat only what grew from the earth. I

knew nothing of " Raw Foods " back then. I was still eating microwave

pasta and deli meats. But I *knew* something was right about what

Nature had to offer me.

Overall, that endevour didnt work out, tho I did begin another

journey, which eventually led me to the Raw Food Diet.

Unfortunately, somewhere in the mix, I lost that *knowing*. I became

confused again, and, more recently, again disillusioned. Now I dont

know what Im doing.

But I remember that feeling that eating Natures food was just

perfect. Maybe Im wrong, but I can never know that just by reading

books and reports and results. I need to be my own subject in a self-

designed experiment. I dont know if that constitutes forcing myself,

but if I have to force myself to cease slow suicide then so be it.

Eating crap doesnt make me happy, period. I want to stop. I want to

stop now.

November 9, 2004

thanks for sharing, jason, and kimberly, too!

<<< Why does it seem like such a burden to make a

simple salad? Sometimes just the idea of it

overwhelmes me. I think its more than just that one

salad. Its the idea that a thousand salads must follow

for any noticable benefit. And suddenly Im ready to

give up before Ive left the couch! >>>

Check out the new Front Page.

www.

November 9, 2004

Ive looked into the Tracker School, and would love to do it someday!

Someday when Ive got enough money!

Its really weird some of the stuff that goes through my head. Like,

I'll eat something that isnt good for me " just to get it out of the

house. " Overeating is a big problem too. I mean, Ive always been a

small guy and still am... but it wont always be like that. Ive

gained 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks. And if my diet worsens at the

rate it is, so will my weight and my health in general.

For the past week Ive awakened to intestinal pain. Its fine after a

bowel movement, but that aint right. I just dont know why I do some

of the things I do. I regret it before, during, and after the

incident! Why do I do it?!

Boredom, maybe? Im currently unemployed with not much to do, and

quickly losing energy to do anything. Perhaps as an experiment? What

happens when I go from eating 100% raw-vegan to 100% crap? Or even

just 50%? I mean, I wasnt in perfect health after going raw for 3

months, but there certainly was improvement. But still I was (and

am) skeptical. Perhaps this is my way of dealing with skepticism (it

sounds like something Id do).

I tell you what, I cant remain skeptical for much longer at this

rate. I feel terrible. I have worsening insomnia, and I sleep late

(used to be a major problem, yet normal, especially in college). My

sinus problems are coming back (before raw, I could hardly breathe

through my nose). As I said, Im slowly starting to gain weight, and

it aint muscle. Im tired more often than when I was raw. Im less

interested in getting out and doing things. Im irritable!

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I

had improved on a raw diet. See, the improvement was slower and

often more subtle than the decline Im currently going through (which

seems drastic by comparison). So it was easier to take for granted

my better health, but theres no ignoring my current situation.

The last thing I did before falling off the raw diet (which happened

when I moved from AZ back to New Orleans) was a 7 day water fast. My

first one. It was hard, and very intense. I was at a friends house.

In the middle of the second night (note: only the second out of

seven!) I woke up feeling nauseous. I got up and went to the

bathroom and sat on the toilet thinking something needed to come

out. I started getting dizzy. I broke out in a visible sweat and

became clammy. As the sweat was dripping down my nose, I had a

realization. I jumped off the toilet, spun around and bent over the

rim... and vomited a bunch of BLACK MUCOUS! Im serious, it was the

most amazing thing Id ever seen.

The nurse at the Tree of Life, where I was working, said it was

probably old, dead blood. A week later I was eating a rice and bean

burrito here in New Orleans. I guess I want so bad to see that black

stuff again, Im making some more.

Jason

> I have that thought, too, to run away and live off the land... I

even took a wilderness survival course from Tom Brown at the Tracker

school. I, too have been trying for a healthy ideal, doing great,

then plummeting to the other side. (I once ate a gallon of ice

cream one New Year's Eve with the excuse that I was giving it up for

good. I've gone 100% raw, given up this and that-alcohol, etc. oh,

well, bunches of times) I'm back to the salads again. I have to be

now. I have taken on the job of being a raw food preparer and

inspiration for a woman debilitated by MS. I find it helps me

enormously to immerse myself in raw foods/ nutrition type

reading.... keeps me on track. Still going through some sugar

addiction and feeling the results of bad food combining, and

starting to work through that. Life is the most complicated thing.

Crazy crazy on so many different levels and yeah, no black and white

answers. You talk a lot like I do. Nice to hear that out there.

You're doing just

> fine and I wish you the best of luck.

>

> Kimberly

November 9, 2004

Maybe get a raw foods book and start reading for inspiration. You're young.

You're headed in the right direction by the normal crooked path. Lotsa people

don't find out about how amazing our bodies are at healing themselves if we give

them the chance until they are faced with a severe illness. Forgive yourself so

you don't feel the need to punish yourself by treating yourself badly, eating

badly, etc. And get a good positive job to get you moving again and take up

time you'd otherwise spend obsessing (if you're like me). Good luck!