re others opinions

[Guest guest]

This can be a real touchy subject. There is a book called " The

Dance of Anger " that has suggestions re how to sidestep some of the

conflicts. I like the visual image of people dancing when they

start the same old arguments. And then chosing to not dance. The

other person is taken off guard and will usually react by increasing

the attempts but if you continue to resist, they eventually stop.

For example you might say, " this is an area where we do not agree so

let's agree on that and drop the subject. " When they persist, have

an alternate subject ready (try for a neutral one or one where you

know they will take the bait <g>). Just remember that the most

effective form of reinforcement is variable reinforcement. In

English that means if you occ. reinforce their behavior by giving it

attention, it will keep the behavior in place. Think of gambling

where you don't know when you will win, so you keep at it expecting

to eventually.

Another suggestion is to plan your visits at non-food times. Some

parents can't get past the idea that they are responsible for

feeding their children. (And controlling what their children eat.)

They have the problem, not you, but you are caught in it.

I personally don't like the idea of lying about what is in the

food. Because I don't want someone to serve me something with

meat " because she will never know. "

You might make (or buy) two desserts and tell your mother that you

made one for her because you know she doesn't like things without

eggs, etc. Maybe you can model the behavior you want her to follow.

 

Max

[Guest guest]

I will check out that book. It sounds like something I can really use. Thanks!! As far as the desserts, the cakes are so big that Steve and I cant eat one by ourselves, so what we most likely will do is not have one at all. I will have to admit that my Mom and I push each others buttons. We love each other dearly, but I will never be the kind of daughter she wishes I was, and she will never accept me wholly, and that is okay too. Heck, I am 43 years old, and I know I have to live my life for myself, but I do have deep emotional problems, I am even on a medical disability for it, and I know I need to "get over it" in alot of areas in my life. I think that book will really help me Max, thanks.

 

rpa1960 wrote:

This can be a real touchy subject. There is a book called "The Dance of Anger" that has suggestions re how to sidestep some of the conflicts. I like the visual image of people dancing when they start the same old arguments. And then chosing to not dance. The other person is taken off guard and will usually react by increasing the attempts but if you continue to resist, they eventually stop. For example you might say, "this is an area where we do not agree so let's agree on that and drop the subject." When they persist, have an alternate subject ready (try for a neutral one or one where you know they will take the bait <g>). Just remember that the most effective form of reinforcement is variable reinforcement. In English that means if you occ. reinforce their behavior by giving it attention, it will keep the behavior in place. Think of gambling where you don't know when you will win, so you keep at it expecting to eventually.Another suggestion is to plan your visits at non-food times. Some parents can't get past the idea that they are responsible for feeding their children. (And controlling what their children eat.) They have the problem, not you, but you are caught in it. I personally don't like the idea of lying about what is in the food. Because I don't want someone to serve me something with meat "because she will never know."You might make (or buy) two desserts and tell your mother that you made one for her because you know she doesn't like things without eggs, etc. Maybe you can model the behavior you want her to follow.Maxcontact owner: -owner Mail list: Delivered-mailing list List-Un: - no flaming arguing or denigration of others allowedcontact owner with complaints regarding posting/list or anything else. Thank you.please share/comment/inform and mostly enjoy this list

[Guest guest]

I do have one caveat re that book: she suggests that we go back and

correct all the old relationships/conflicts. I personally think

that would be overwhelming and counter-productive. Use the energy

for the important things. And know that because you are willing to

change, doesn't mean that she is. If she were to change in one area

of her life, she would most likely have to in other areas. Too

scarey for most of us.

Maybe you could have pie--I like pie :-)

Max

, susi hall <susiwagnerhall> wrote:

>

> I think that book will really help me Max, thanks.

>

> rpa1960 wrote:This can be a real touchy subject. There is a book

called " The Dance of Anger " that has suggestions re how to sidestep

some of the conflicts.

>

>

[Guest guest]

GO BACK AND CORRECT OLD RELATIONSHIPS??? Dang, I alienate everyone I have ever met, except my darling hubby and wonderful son. That would take FOREVER, LOL. Besides to do that I think the other person would have to be willing to do it too.

When I was in elementary school I teased a boy constantly. I was on the bottom of the social ladder, but he was even lower than me. A couple of years ago I called him up to apologize for what I did and I talked to his mother, and she was very nice. We had a long discussion about it. Then in Jr. High I teased another boy, and I contacted him last year to apologize, and the funny thing about it was that I had been carrying around this guilt for 20 plus years and HE DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER ME...He had no idea what I was even talking about!!! But it really did feel good apologizing to these people, I knew I was wrong. Is this something along the lines of what the book tells you to do?

 

rpa1960 wrote:

I do have one caveat re that book: she suggests that we go back and correct all the old relationships/conflicts. I personally think that would be overwhelming and counter-productive. Use the energy for the important things. And know that because you are willing to change, doesn't mean that she is. If she were to change in one area of her life, she would most likely have to in other areas. Too scarey for most of us.Maybe you could have pie--I like pie :-)Max, susi hall <susiwagnerhall> wrote:> > I think that book will really help me Max, thanks.> > rpa1960 wrote:This can be a real touchy subject. There is a book called "The Dance of Anger" that has suggestions re how to sidestep some of the conflicts. > >contact owner: -owner Mail list: Delivered-mailing list List-Un: - no flaming arguing or denigration of others allowedcontact owner with complaints regarding posting/list or anything else. Thank you.please share/comment/inform and mostly enjoy this list