Valentine's (was veg. food in Wollongong)

[Guest guest]

Hi Sparrow ~

 

I'm sorry you've given up on making holidays special...hopefully you can make

that gesture of affection and it will be taken as intended. :-)

 

This year Kymberli and I have decided to have a low-key Valentine's Day, just a

card and nice home-made dinner and time together at home.

 

Cindi

 

Sparrow R Jones <sparrowrose wrote: On

2/12/08, Pat <drpatsant wrote:

>

> Have a lovely time on Thursday - it's not about the food anyway, I

> tell myself, but about the experience. Good thing too, eh? LOL

 

Just be thankful you have a husband who cares about the little

holidays and family rituals. In my house, Thursday will be just

another Thursday.

 

I used to try, in the beginning, to make holidays and special days

nice, but my husband doesn't care about that kind of thing so they

ended up in tears and frustration for me as he announced that he was

going over to his friend's house instead of to the holiday parade with

me like he'd done the year before (before he met his friend and had

something better to do than see a local parade) or the three birthdays

in a row that I sat home alone, playing on the computer and getting

drunk by myself because my birthday fell on his music night of the

week (which kept changing to the day of the week my birthday was on

that year, though I honestly don't think that was intentional.)

 

I've come to realize that it's not a gesture of neglect or lack of

love on his part - he's just got a different perspective on things

than I do and I'm far more oriented toward rituals and traditions than

he is.

 

To me, Valentine's Day is a nice time to make a simple gesture of

affection. To him, it's a time to stay home because all the

restaurants will be crowded (or, as he put it, " who would go out to

eat on Valentine's Day? That's just crazy. Go on another night when

you dont have to wait in lines. " ) And, to him, Valentine's Day,

Christmas, Halloween, and Easter all mean it's time to go to the

grocery the next day to buy the discounted chocolate.

 

Sigh.

 

Sparrow, hoping everyone who celebrates it has a very lovely St.

Valentine's Day on Thursday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Gee, this could have been a post off of one of my Asperger lists!

 

I doubt we'll go out anywhere. That will be pasta night, some garlic

mushroom rice to go with it (I know, high-carb night! But the pasta

and rice are whole-grain and the sauce will have cashews in it.)

Hubby will probably pick up some flowers and/or chocolates. I'm the

one who doesn't like to go out in our family.

 

Pam

 

On Feb 12, 2008 10:47 AM, Sparrow R Jones <sparrowrose wrote:

On 2/12/08, Pat <drpatsant wrote:

> >

> > Have a lovely time on Thursday - it's not about the food anyway, I

> > tell myself, but about the experience. Good thing too, eh? LOL

>

> Just be thankful you have a husband who cares about the little

> holidays and family rituals. In my house, Thursday will be just

> another Thursday.

>

> I used to try, in the beginning, to make holidays and special days

> nice, but my husband doesn't care about that kind of thing so they

> ended up in tears and frustration for me as he announced that he was

> going over to his friend's house instead of to the holiday parade with

> me like he'd done the year before (before he met his friend and had

> something better to do than see a local parade) or the three birthdays

> in a row that I sat home alone, playing on the computer and getting

> drunk by myself because my birthday fell on his music night of the

> week (which kept changing to the day of the week my birthday was on

> that year, though I honestly don't think that was intentional.)

>

> I've come to realize that it's not a gesture of neglect or lack of

> love on his part - he's just got a different perspective on things

> than I do and I'm far more oriented toward rituals and traditions than

> he is.

>

> To me, Valentine's Day is a nice time to make a simple gesture of

> affection. To him, it's a time to stay home because all the

> restaurants will be crowded (or, as he put it, " who would go out to

> eat on Valentine's Day? That's just crazy. Go on another night when

> you dont have to wait in lines. " ) And, to him, Valentine's Day,

> Christmas, Halloween, and Easter all mean it's time to go to the

> grocery the next day to buy the discounted chocolate.

>

> Sigh.

>

> Sparrow, hoping everyone who celebrates it has a very lovely St.

> Valentine's Day on Thursday.

>

[Guest guest]

On 2/12/08, pdw <pdworkman wrote:

>

> Gee, this could have been a post off of one of my Asperger lists!

 

Except that *I'm* the one with Asperger's and he's the allegedly

normal-brained one.

 

> I doubt we'll go out anywhere. That will be pasta night, some garlic

> mushroom rice to go with it (I know, high-carb night! But the pasta

> and rice are whole-grain and the sauce will have cashews in it.)

 

High-carb is good for weight loss, especially low-to-medium glycemic

carbs like pasta and brown rice. The cashews are the big splurge for

someone trying to drop weight.

 

> Hubby will probably pick up some flowers and/or chocolates.

 

Is it nice to get flowers? I've never been given any. I've bought

flowers for other people as hostess gifts and once I was bold and

bought flowers for a man (a very " manly " bouquet of asters and

chrysanthemums in yellows and burgundies.) I have a feeling that it

might be more fun to buy flowers for other people than to get flowers.

 

I've never been given chocolates as a present (I don't think it counts

when my current husband wants to go shopping the day after for

discounted candy. And he never actually presents me with it anyway.)

The last time I got a valentine was back in elementary school when we

used to decorate shoe boxes and give out those mass-produced

valentines to all our classmates. I bought my husband a romantic card

once because it had a really nice photograph of two cows on the front

and we both like cows. Even with the cows on it, he didn't put it

where he could look at it (and this is a guy who cuts cows out of the

newspaper to tape on the wall) and when I found it on the floor,

covered with dust, I took it back.

 

> I'm the one who doesn't like to go out in our family.

 

I don't care whether we go out or not, I'd just really like to have

some sort of seasonal family rituals to mark the passage of time and

to look back on years from now, like families in books do when they

sit around on Christmas morning and remember Christmases past.

 

It all sounds really silly when I put it that way, though.

 

Or, if nothing else, I'd just like to have one really good Valentine's

Day so that when February 14th comes around, my reminiscences can be

about something better than the old boyfriend who kicked me out on

Valentine's Day (1987) and I had no place to go so I walked around all

day and as evening came I saw couples with their arms around one

another, going into the nice restaurants while I walked around to keep

warm and wondered where I was going to live now.

 

Or maybe it's impossible to ever have a Valentine's Day good enough to

cancel out a memory like that. Who knows. I should just be thankful

that I'm with a good man now who doesn't abuse me and thankful that

I'm in no risk of being kicked out of my home on a whim. That really

should be enough to make every day of my life a good Valentine's Day.

 

Sparrow

[Guest guest]

On Feb 12, 2008 12:09 PM, Sparrow R Jones <sparrowrose wrote:

 

> On 2/12/08, pdw <pdworkman wrote:

> >

> > Gee, this could have been a post off of one of my Asperger lists!

>

> Except that *I'm* the one with Asperger's and he's the allegedly

> normal-brained one.

>

LOL. That's funny. Though I have to say, aspies tend to pick people

who are also not neurotypical, because it helps us to feel less

inadequate, or more comfortable with our own differences. Or because

we would rather " fix " someone else.

 

> > Hubby will probably pick up some flowers and/or chocolates.

>

> Is it nice to get flowers? I've never been given any. I've bought

> flowers for other people as hostess gifts and once I was bold and

> bought flowers for a man (a very " manly " bouquet of asters and

> chrysanthemums in yellows and burgundies.) I have a feeling that it

> might be more fun to buy flowers for other people than to get flowers.

>

 

It is nice, though I tend to feel a bit guilty. Because I am not a

demonstrative person and I feel as though I should be doing a lot more

to show my love than I do. Even hugs and " I love yous " are hard for

me. But I try to just show my gratitude and oooh and aah over them,

because that's what makes hubby (and ds who helps him pick out the

flowers) to feel good about it. I agree, it is more fun to buy

someone else presents than to receive them.

 

> I've never been given chocolates as a present (I don't think it counts

> when my current husband wants to go shopping the day after for

> discounted candy. And he never actually presents me with it anyway.)

> The last time I got a valentine was back in elementary school when we

> used to decorate shoe boxes and give out those mass-produced

> valentines to all our classmates. I bought my husband a romantic card

> once because it had a really nice photograph of two cows on the front

> and we both like cows. Even with the cows on it, he didn't put it

> where he could look at it (and this is a guy who cuts cows out of the

> newspaper to tape on the wall) and when I found it on the floor,

> covered with dust, I took it back.

>

Usually I buy Valentine's chocolates for the family. If hubby buys

them, he tends to get the wrong kind. My mom still mails me a

Valentine card each year (even though we live in the same city).

She's so sweet.

 

>

> > I'm the one who doesn't like to go out in our family.

>

> I don't care whether we go out or not, I'd just really like to have

> some sort of seasonal family rituals to mark the passage of time and

> to look back on years from now, like families in books do when they

> sit around on Christmas morning and remember Christmases past.

>

> It all sounds really silly when I put it that way, though.

>

> Or, if nothing else, I'd just like to have one really good Valentine's

> Day so that when February 14th comes around, my reminiscences can be

> about something better than the old boyfriend who kicked me out on

> Valentine's Day (1987) and I had no place to go so I walked around all

> day and as evening came I saw couples with their arms around one

> another, going into the nice restaurants while I walked around to keep

> warm and wondered where I was going to live now.

>

> Or maybe it's impossible to ever have a Valentine's Day good enough to

> cancel out a memory like that. Who knows. I should just be thankful

> that I'm with a good man now who doesn't abuse me and thankful that

> I'm in no risk of being kicked out of my home on a whim. That really

> should be enough to make every day of my life a good Valentine's Day.

>

 

Interesting. Maybe you are getting to the bottom of it. Maybe you

are so focused on that old memory, and the vision of all of those

perfect lovey-dovey couples (half of whom probably ended up breaking

up that night) that you just want to " prove " that you are no longer

" rejected " .

 

It is hard when a loved one doesn't observe special days in the way

that you do. It is a struggle to reconcile my childhood/family

Christmases with my hubbys/inlaw's relative non-observance of

Christmas. They eat the whole Christmas dinner, but there is no

exchange of presents, no special family time, no traditional

activities, movies, etc. It really tends to come and go like any other

day.

 

I always liked New Year's. Not for drinking or partying or anything

like that. Not even for a fresh start and New Years goals. But it

was always sort of a passage, a pivotal point for me. A time to be

still and reflect, and spend some time with close family or a friend.

But my hubby hates it. Dreads it. Talks about how stupid it is right

from the day after Christmas. Can't wait until it is over. We have

established a small tradition of having a bit of (nonalcohol) punch

and some (nondairy) cheese and crackers and then off to bed before

12:00, to mumble to each other as we go to sleep " happy new year " (in

small letters) and then maybe or maybe not have a something special

for dinner New Year's Day. Keep in mind though, it has taken us 15

years to get to that point. This year was, I think, the first year

that hubby managed not to have a fit that it was New Year's Eve and he

hated it.

 

Pam

[Guest guest]

On 2/12/08, pdw <pdworkman wrote:

>

> LOL. That's funny. Though I have to say, aspies tend to pick people

> who are also not neurotypical, because it helps us to feel less

> inadequate, or more comfortable with our own differences. Or because

> we would rather " fix " someone else.

 

I chose the most normal, stable, high-functioning person I could find

because I know that I need lots of help and guidance in life due to my

disability. The irony is that with his illness now I have to be the

one who goes out into the world to deal with people and who takes care

of everything, including him.

 

> It is hard when a loved one doesn't observe special days in the way

> that you do. It is a struggle to reconcile my childhood/family

> Christmases with my hubbys/inlaw's relative non-observance of

> Christmas. They eat the whole Christmas dinner, but there is no

> exchange of presents, no special family time, no traditional

> activities, movies, etc. It really tends to come and go like any other

> day.

 

I thrive on structure, rhythm, routines, and predictability. I'm sure

my desire for " family traditions " is an outcropping of that. I am

*far* more functional when Tuesday is different from Sunday and noon

is different from five p.m. and March is different from September and

I know what to expect on a Tuesday in March at noon.

 

When I lived alone, I had a special wall that I decorated with the

passing seasons and holidays. And another wall with a big calendar

that co-ordinated everything in my life. It was so much easier to keep

structure and predictability in my life then. I sometimes wonder if

the trade-offs I made in order to be in relationship have made my life

better or worse off overall. It's impossible to say, though, since my

life would be totally different now if I'd made the choice ten years

ago to not be with Robert. I honestly don't know where I would be or

what I would be doing with my life. It is thanks to his guidance and

support that I live in this town and that I have achieved my

bachelor's degrees.

 

Sparrow